Newbies 104: The Post Whore

[indolikaa]

Good evening, students. Tonight we will be discussing the Post Whore, and his relevance to the videohelp.com community. Please be seated.

My name is I.D. Wankher, associate professor of psychology at Snowflake University. My colleague, Dr. Indolikaa Khan, is on holiday and has asked me to administer this portion of the Newbies curriculum. You may have been previously informed that this lecture was to begin at 9PM Arizona Time. I apologize, but since not even people in Arizona know what time it is, many of our students will be a couple of hours late. Please do not worry, as I will be repeating this lecture at 9PM Pacific Time. Whatever time that may happen to be in Arizona.


The term 'Post Whore' is often spoken in spite, as if one was a member of a community whose input provided no benefit. However, as we shall see, Post-Whoring, when properly applied, can bring a wealth of diversity and entertainment to any online community.

There are many types of Post Whores recognized, but before we begin an in-depth discussion into the varieties of Post Whores, we must first define the Post Whore in general. Hundreds of university studies have been completed, and millions of taxpayers dollars have been wasted in the process, and no accurate definition ever came to the world of the Post Whore until Dr. Indolikaa Khan wrote his definitive work Cyberspace Ettiquette Means Not Farting. We have since learned, through Dr. Khan’s innovative analysis, that a single definition alone cannot describe the Post Whore. Rather, the Post Whore must be classified according to the nature of his work.

Please open your copy of Indolikaa’s Guide for the videohelp.com Newbie to Chapter 4, and let us begin. The key to being a successful Post Whore is the ability to possess and execute a variety of skills, whose only purpose is to rapidly increase the member’s overall post count number. These skills include:

* Kissing ass with Staff,
* Having a firm grasp on vulgarity,
* Knowing the subject matter at hand,
* Efficiently wasting free time,
* Utilitizing the art of disrespect.

We shall now break these individual skills down and learn how they apply to the Post Whore and how they are best utilized.

Kissing Ass with Staff
A 'True' Post Whore must initiate and maintain beneficial contact with the online community’s staff. In this case, we are speaking of the moderators and administrators. Such communication is vital to the 'True' Post Whore, whose nature of business is such that others will likely be complaining about one's behavior.

The most successful Post Whores use the time-honored tradition that is guaranteed to bring results: money. There is nothing better to a Forum Administrator than seeing donations roll in to help offset those antagonizing bandwidth bills. It is through the Forum Administrators pocket that the Post Whore stakes his claim. A 'True' Post Whore donates regularly, donates fairly, and lets everybody else know what he is doing. This establishes an informal understanding between the Post Whore and the Forum Administrator. It says, “I have no friends, no social life, can’t get it up anymore, and my neighbor’s goat died, so I want to try and have a social life here, and here’s some cash to help offset your costs and make you feel somewhat better about letting me live here.”

Let us examine thread t203786 from the videohelp.com archives…

I donate $20 per month to dvdrhelp.com. I'm not always timely in my donations but I'm up-to-date with my personal promise to myself.

Classic ******* Post Whore. The member donates regularly, he donates an amount that gets noticed, yet is not considered excessive or arrogant, and he openly brags about it. But it doesn’t stop there. A true Post Whore will always make a single donation of considerable size. This donation not only tells the Forum Administrator 'Thank You' but it also conveys the idea that the member values the existence of the community. While this may appear to be nothing more than ass-kissing in its lowest form, it is, in reality, a vieled attempt by the member to have his ego stroked in a way no woman could hope to achieve.

What is the highest donation this site ever received by a single person?....

Knowing a discussion regarding donated money was taking place, any 'True' Post Whore will clear his schedule for the next few days and focus only on the thread in question. The seeds have been planted by an unsuspecting member, and now the Post Whore begins his quest for self-righteous gratificaiton.

Yes, Baldrick. Speak up!

Notice how the Post Whore demands that the question be answered? Who would suspect that your typical $20 per month donator would be anything more than that? Certainly not a community of members whose ranks exceed 80,000. Please notice the smiley face at the end of the request. What does it convey? What is the Post Whore’s secret meaning?

One user has donated $100. Most donates $5.

In one single post, the 'True' Post Whore receives a double dose of gratification. He knows that his donations are higher than the average, and he also knows whether or not his 'special' donation would have been received as such, based on the generosity of previous big-spenders. This assumes, of course, the Forum Administrator remembers the generosity in question.

$100 wasn't the highest...I forgot one user that recently donated $125! Thanks ********! .

And who do you think that one user was?

The Post Whore has accomplished many things in one thread. He has increased his overall post count, he has gained a measure of self-reassurance, and he has quietly demonstrated himself to be the egotistical SOB that a 'True' Post Whore is.

Having a Firm Grasp on Vulgarity
While it has been argued that indecency pollutes any community, it does increase the interest and attendance in the said community. Having said that, we come to one of the most important attributes of any Post Whore: vulgarity. For it is through vulgarity that the Post Whore is able to exponentially increase his post count, this becomes one of the finest measures of a Post Whore candidate.

Vulgarity in and of itself is a useful tool, when used in moderation.

What differenciates a Post Whore from your normal member is the method in which profanity is used. Let us reference thread 201555, and please note the original poster's first comments in this thread. We shall not argue Procrastination's ill-advised post at this time, as such stupid questions will be discussed in the forthcoming 'Proper Flame War Mannerisms' seminar. Rather, we shall look at the various methods used to propogate vulgarity and how they apply to the true Post Whore.

Completely stupid ******* question. A DVD recorder is for one purpose only. Is a PC? No, it isn't. If you really want the answer read the guides. Will Hay

Please notice the method in which the original poster’s question was answered. It would appear Mr. Hay was simply using profanity to drive home a point and express his feelings in the matter. However, in reality, Mr. Hay has cleverly used profanity to ensure the thread will not only survive, but allow for additional posts that will have absolutely no relevance to the hobby in question. A rather brilliant display of Post Whoring technique, if I may say so.

Will Hay sounds like a ******* dick in need of a fist shoved down his throat. While its passing thru his teeth he gets his dose of vitamin D. What an *******!

This is one of the true gems at videohelp.com. This post will be analyzed in many future seminars and courses, but in regards to the Post Whore, it is priceless. It serves no purpose other than to antagonize, it guarantees a series of follow-up posts (which guarantees an increase in post count) and it ensures that the Post Whore will be immortalized for future generations.

While these are the methods of the subtle Post Whore, there are others. Some are blatant, and serve only to ensure continuation of a worthless thread, which ensures additional posts to help increase the overall post count. Others are simply the ramblings of a mildly-dysfunctional individual whose opportunity to propogate the count are many.

Dumbass.

A recent study by the University of Arizona concluded that the following post would be considered useful and appropriate in 72% of all threads at videohelp.com. Such a post is the ultimate weapon of the 'True' Post Whore, guaranteeing a rapid increase in post count in a short amount of time, while effectively starting a Flame War and Hijacking a Thread. A 'True' Post Whore is the master of the multitask, as you can see.

This thread is fucked up.

The same researchers in Tucson also determined this post would be useful and necessary in at least 85% of all Off-Topic threads in which either Capmaster or northcat_8 post. Again, an efficient way to increase the numbers while contributing to the overall well-being of the community.

Knowing the Subject Matter at Hand
Understanding the true subject matter of any thread is a necessary skill. As the 'True' Post Whore increases his count without readily drawing attention to himself, he must know which threads provide such opportunities long before the opportunities present themselves. Simply posting for the purpose of posting is not Post Whoring; it’s being an *******.

Post Whores do not normally engage in detailed discussions regarding the subject matters at hand, particularly in the field of digital video, where subjectivity is as much a part of any question as book knowledge. Rather, a Post Whore will generally look for one of two places from which to propogate his count: the Off-Topic section, or a Flame War.

Do not confuse Post Whoring with Thread Trolling, as they are two separate acts. Thread Trolling is the act of picking a fight with another member whose knowledge of the subject matter at hand is obviously lacking. Such an attack is designed to entertain the Post Whore first and foremost, with any thought of increasing post counts an ignored side-effect of such contact.

Certain subject matters provide a true Post Whore with the opportunity to exceed the Post-Whore Standard of 15 Posts/Day. Here is a short list of subjects that the 'True' Post Whores look for to hone their skills:

* Nuclear Weapons
* English Football
* Air Compressors
* Farm Animals
* Vintage Computers
* Spouses
* Clowns of a Challenged Vertical Nature
* Vinyl Chlorides

A 'True' Post Whore can take a thread with any of the aforementioned subjects and generate 25-100 additional posts. Not to mention the innate ability to dislodge sexual organs from their protective sacs, the result of hysterical and uncontrolled laughter. However, a 'True' Post Whore never takes it upon himself to begin such a discourse. Rather, he relies on his subordinate 'Wanna-Be' Post Whores to turn the direction of a thread to his liking.

Efficiently wasting free time
Let’s face it. Post-Whoring takes a lot of time. And only the most dedicated Post Whore candidates can take themselves to the ultimate level of a 'True' Post Whore. What separates the man from the ewe is not only a crowbar, but a dilligent pursuit of the art of time management.

The key to Post Whore time management is multitasking. Everything from multiple broswer windows logged into the forum to multiple forum 'personalities' are examples of how the amateur Post Whore graduates to the 'True' Post Whore. Other useful tactics include professions where high pay and low work requirements are the norm, multiple DSL lines and computers, a 4-hour workday composed of nothing more than surfing the Internet for pleasure, and an affinity for mild alcoholic beverages.

The 'True' Post Whore is capable of simultaneously capturing video to one computer, engaging in an on-going discussion about a variety of subjects on another, and playing a mind-challenging computer game, such as Pharaoh or 1602 AD on yet a third machine. Effective use of multiple DSL lines ensures that Post Whoring and Intranet movie and video traffic remain compatible with each other.

Utilizing the Art of Disrespect
Before the introduction of the infamous Yellow Card, it was enough to begin your online routine with a standard newbie bashing session and work on your post count as such. However, to borrow a British Football term, the threat of being 'Booked for a Misdemeanor' weighs heavily on even the most respected Post Whores. Therefore, to ensure the continuance of the dominant forum species, new and challenging tactics must be employed to stay one step ahead of Authority.

Disrespect comes in many forms. Some are obvious (please see our previously mentioned comments regarding Will Hay) and some are subtle enough that they are lost on the average member, simply because they are too stupid to know they have been insulted. While both are considered acceptable in most situations, the 'True' Post Whore utilizes another method to fufill his post-count daily requirement: sarcasm.

Please turn your attention to one of the Forum's all-time classic threads, number 183380. You will immediately notice by the first post what the intent of the thread author is. Subjective problems require common sense, a trait that is completely lacking amongst more and more newbies. As you can see, Mr. Hay has taken a contemporary issue that is frequently debated, and used pointed sarcasm and cynicism to accomplish many tasks. But most importantly, he has guaranteed that 1) veteran members in general will join him in his sarcastic jockularity, and 2) there is a better-than-even chance some dipshit will come along and disagree with Mr. Hay, thus ensuring another round of posts will commence.


This evening, we have touched on the main factors that separate the 'Wanna-Be' Post Whore from the 'True' Post Whore. It is now time for your exam. You will find the following 10 names listed below. You are to give each person's Post Whore rank on a scale that includes the following choices:

* Wanna-Be
* Amateur
* Promising
* Veteran
* True
* Master of the Discipline

You are also ask to explain how you reached your decision and provide specific examples, if necessary. The correct answers will be provided by Dr. Khan on Sunday morning. Please note that the purpose of this exam is to help you learn to differentiate between the 'Wanna-Be' Post Whore and the 'True' Post Whore. While some deserving members may have their names omitted, others will be included for reasons that may not be readily apparent.

Thank you. You may now begin your exam.


Capmaster
Dr. Gee
flaninacupboard
FulciLives
indolikaa
northcat_8
offline
Ripper2860
SatStorm
teegee420


(EDIT: Bad links. Does curryman offer a class on this?!)

[Guest]

u bizwatches betta recognize
Off topic: 452 posts / 69.33%

[Ripper2860]

Is this test "open book" and will you be grading on a "curve"?

[northcat_8]

Can I use a calculator?

[northcat_8]

Can you tell Dr. Gee to quit kicking my chair?

[Ripper2860]

Northcat keeps looking at my answers !!!!

[indolikaa]

Is this test "open book" and will you be grading on a "curve"?

Hello, Mr. Ripper. Dr. Khan will be grading your test based on the following curve.

[taandyria]

like hell he will!!!

[northcat_8]

Northcat keeps looking at my answers !!!!

unt uh...

[Ripper2860]

Oooo Kkkk. A Surprise Math question. Let's see -- Ripper2860 will go into that how many times ...

Dammit Northcap -- give me my paper back !!!

[indolikaa]

Ladies!


Please behave like the honors students you profess to be. After all, only 92% of people who apply for Dr. Khan's seminars are ever approved. Consider the company you're in, and try to act the part.

[northcat_8]

Is this test "open book" and will you be grading on a "curve"?

Hello, Mr. Ripper. Dr. Khan will be grading your test based on the following curve.

That's perfect, I am abreast of the information taught, and I can supply ample responses to the given issues.

A question about the grading curve:
Are the bumps around her nipples braile for "suck here"?

[northcat_8]

Ripper broke my pencil

[indolikaa]

Is this test "open book" and will you be grading on a "curve"?

Hello, Mr. Ripper. Dr. Khan will be grading your test based on the following curve.

That's perfect, I am abreast of the information taught, and I can supply ample responses to the given issues.

A question about the grading curve:
Are the bumps around her nipples braile for "suck here"?

(Excellent post. Dr. Khan will approve of your literal translation of the issues at hand.)

[northcat_8]

Ut-Oh....this class is for HONORS Students??????

I thought it was for ON HERS students...I thought I was in the right class because...*looking around the room pointing out females*...I've been on hers, and hers and hers over there, hers there in the front, and the one over in the corner, I'm working on hers right now.

My bad.

[teegee420]

Can

[teegee420]

we

[teegee420]

get

[teegee420]

extra

[teegee420]

credit?

[Ripper2860]

Ut-Oh....this class is for HONORS Students??????

I thought it was for ON HERS students...I thought I was in the right class because...*looking around the room pointing out females*...I've been on hers, and hers and hers over there, hers there in the front, and the one over in the corner, I'm working on hers right now.

My bad.

Northcat -- I'm sorry. I think you might be confused. This is not the Senior Citizens Wednesday night Ladies Quilting Bee at the Senior Center.

[The village idiot]

Shit, I missed the lecture (too busy looking for porn). Could I get the notes from someone?

[The village idiot]

Oh wait.... Nevermind.

My PVR caught it.

[teegee420]

Shit, I missed the lecture (too busy looking for porn). Could I get the notes from someone?

You were too interested in "cramming" of another sort, eh? I have zero sympathy for you.

[The village idiot]

Could I be graded on these curves instead?

[gitreel]

Damn, I missed the ******* class. Nice curve.

[VCDHunter]

When will the results be posted ?

[northcat_8]

Northcat -- I'm sorry. I think you might be confused. This is not the Senior Citizens Wednesday night Ladies Quilting Bee at the Senior Center.

I know, there are no red wing candidates at the quilting bee, I troll the campus for a little change in flavor, the only flavor I get on wednesday nights is...well, I guess its depends

[flaninacupboard]

well, in an effort to try and impress the whores around me im wearing loads of bling. i mean............ i answered indos question.

cmaster: promising
While he provides plenty of fodder to allow other whores to advance, the C-master could not operate alone. his out of touch sense of humour would be simply ignored if it were not for the rest of the association.

Dr Gee: Amateur
A new comrade working his way up the ranks, but as yet an underdeveloped online persona. as some memorable and hopefully twisted traits appear this member will advance. shame about that lovely avatar being kicked though.....

flaninacupboard: Wanna-Be
Same lame ass looser who looks like he actually spent a whole year talking about video stuff before he found OT. his post count is rubbish and averages only 2 a day

Fulci: Wanna-Be
Never appearing on the whore radar, until the recent addition of a non-work-friendly avatar, this member is doomed to mediocrity.

Indo: Veteran
An educator and guide, this member spends too much time helping others to allow himself true whoredom. keeping himself in this lower state will eventually pay off, once the board is saturated with whores indo will be the natural leader.

Northcat: Master
With a full grasp of what's required for whoreness northcat is pioneering the way. founder of the association, and with three months of solid whoredom coming up, we can expect a lot of pretty twisted shit to come from this mother fuckers mouth. he did after all provide indo the foresight for his new thread classifaction system, namely TTIFU and TTIRFU.

offline: Dirty wannabe
having only recently been turned to the dark (red) side, offline has a way to go to prove just how much of a dirty whore he is. untrusting, some mebers of the association believe he is working undercover, simply trying to steal our secrets on flow control and dnetal hygiene to write a best selling book. keep your eyes peeled for suspicous behviour.

Ripper: Amateur
Another new addition to the association, ripper has yet to break the big 1K, so clearly isn't posting enough shit in word association. provided he sticks it out he'll become a valued member of the team.

SatStorm: true
SatStorm is a rare creature, a True post whore. this status is a little odd, wheras those in other stages of development push harder and harder to advance themselves True postwhores are at rest with themselves. Every response Satstorm makes is so carefully and intricately woven to invoke anything from a homo to xeno phobic response that it appears effortless. SatStorm was born, and will always be, a True post whore. plus he's the latest mod so my answer may be biased (please see skill number one of the 104 guide)

teegee420: promising
with an inordinate number of posts in a short space of time teegee420 is going in, and going in fast. provided he doesn't burn out within his first six months (which we've seen so many times. rest in peace phunky munkie, gina, and naked geek to name a few) and after his first flamewar, teegee will become our next Veteran.

[Capmaster]

Is there going to be a vinyl exam?

Once again, Indolikaa provides us with a post that is not merely lengthy, but a tome to be revered, printed out, and referenced for future post-whoring. I never thought I'd see a guide to post-whoring delivered with such skill and obvious thought applied.

Plus, the ******* thing is so long that qouting it in a reply would prompt a PM from Baldrick to Indo requesting an additional "post whore donation" of at least $100 to cover the storage requirements.

Flaninacupboard provides some thought-provoking analyses in his "holier-than-thou" reply ....most likely because he has always aspired to be a true post whore and now that his actual techniques have been exposed to the light of day, he's embarassed and hopes against hope that nobody will use the forum search to pull up those unfortunate past posts that show his true colors I know that's how I feel, and being a "promising" post whore, I think I can speak for Flan in saying "Keep those trivial, high-post threads like word association" because they push down the older posts into oblivion on page 35 or so, and keep our secret safe.

We are a disturbed bunch here, we deny nothing, and we apologize for nothing. Long live the Red Wing Association, and pray Baldrick never takes away the post count under our names Cheers