Newbies 104: The Post Whore

[indolikaa]

Good evening, students.


I have returned from my sojourn to the Holy Lands, and Dr. WankHer has brought me up to speed on your performace during Newbies 104. I am, needless to say, impressed with your grasp of the newbie concept, and while I would prefer that certain of you would not grasp each other during class, I cannot ask for everything.

Let us begin.


Capmaster is a Promising Post Whore. While there is no question he will attain True Post Whore status, his climb to the top is limited only by his time on this forum. Capmaster has demonstrated versatility and skill in all five talents, and although we do not feel his Staff ass-kissing is completely up to par, he still has ample opportunity to work on this very important skill. Expect a rapid promotion to True Post Whore once he completes his 6-month newbie probation period at videohelp.com, as his current Off-Topic posting of 61% (1284 of 2086 posts) is most impressive. We are hoping to arrange a dual celebration of Capmaster's rise to the status of True Post Whore in tandem with Dr. Khan's 5,000th post at videohelp.com God help us if it happens.

Dr. Gee is also a Promising Post Whore. Although a member for nearly 3 years, Dr. Gee has only recently entered the foray known as the Off-Topic forum. And he has done so with honor and dignity amongst his fellow Whores. We have yet to see any evidence that the good doctor has donated his share of money to this fabulous social gathering, but in due time, he will see the value of giving back to his community. I would personally like to see Dr. Gee take a more active role in the flaming department, but this particular skill takes time and dedication, and I believe the doctor is up to the task. If Dr. Gee would spend more time here and less time at medical seminars, he could attain the rank of True Post Whore in no time. We are pleased with his Off-Topic posting of 70% (501 of 708 posts).

flaninacupboard is a True Post Whore. In fact, he is only a few critical steps away from being crowned a Master of the Discipline. Do not be fooled by his Off-Topic posting of 39% (908 of 2314 posts) because flan spent a majority of his time actually helping other people before he fell to the Red Side. Like many Post Whores, we would like to see flaninacupboard make a more concerted effort to kiss some Staff ass, but overall there is nothing to be truly disappointed in his performance. And he claims British ancestry, which automatically gives him the benefit of the doubt in such matters. And did I mention his mastery of vulgarity?

FulciLives is a True Post Whore. In fact, there was much discussion prior to faculty meeting as to whether or not FulciLives is a Master of the Discipline. There is so much to be proud of in this one individual: he has demonstrated an exceptional ability to kiss-ass with Staff, his use of vulgarity is considered reverent on these boards, and in terms of being an Artist of Disrespect, he stands only one pedestal step below Dr. Khan himself. And his knowledge of the hobby is most impressive. FulciLives is the model by which many members should study, should they choose the Post Whore route at videohelp.com. Don't be fooled by his 15% Off-Topic posting (543 of 3516 posts) as FulciLives is a master of Post-Whoring in the On-Topic forums.

indolikaa is a True Post Whore. You may be surprised that such a fine example of the human race is not considered the Master of the Discipline, especially considering his 44% Off-Topic postings (1536 of 3429 posts). His ability to kiss-ass with Staff is legendary, particularly his self-righteous stand on donating money to The Cause. Nobody will argue his grasp on vulgarity and it's importance in day-to-day communications. And when you spend as much time at videohelp.com as this individual does, how could you not have mastered the art of efficiently wasting time? And while we're talking about art, name another individual whose has perfected the art of disrespect with more vision and insight than Dr. Khan. If the honorable Professor would only be willing to share more of his knowledge in this wonderful hobby, particularly his 12+ years of experience in digital audio post-production, he could truly be considered a Master of the Discipline.

northcat_8 is a True Post Whore. And our basis for this ranking has nothing to do with his Off-Topic posting of 47% (603 of 1264 posts). It has everything to do with his amazing ability to steer any conversation into an Off-Topic orgy of Red Wings, inflatable wet dreams, and nightmares of the modern high school faculty. We here at Snowflake University are not sure when it was last recorded that northcat_8 actually posted something On-Topic (our graduate assistant firmly believes this may have happened when Michael Jackson could still be considered a "man" in terms of sexual endowments) but we believe his disregard for the actual purpose of this forum is of no consequence. Northcat_8 is an example of what Post-Whoring is all about, and Baldrick should pin a fuckin' medal on his chest for it.

offline is a True Post Whore. Yes, you read correctly, the videohelp.com community has a Post-Whoring moderator. For reasons the United States government won't discuss, offline disappeared from the videohelp.com forums for a time. We firmly believe he was on assignment for the British government infiltrating a covert terrorist group hellbent on cloning transsexual blow-up doll technology from France. Nonetheless, he has returned, and his return has glamorized the Post Whore community. With a firm grasp on the finer points of vulgarity, offline has taken the art of disrespect to new levels. We do realize his Off-Topic posting of 19% (242 of 1261 posts) is shameful, but remember, moderators are supposed to try and stand above the rest of the crowd. Offline has managed to blend the line between moderator decency and Post-Whoring in a way that must bring a tear to Baldrick's eyes.

Ripper2860 is a Promising Post Whore. He's only been onboard for seven months, but he's found a niche, and every Post Whore needs their niche. Dr. WankHer and I would like to see Ripper place more emphasis on kissing ass with Staff, but no further work is necessary on his grasp of vulgarity or his ability to float disrespect. With an Off-Topic posting of 43% (359 of 819) he needs to cross the 1,000-post threshhold to cash-in on immediate Veteran status, at which time we look forward to a showdown between the Ripper, the Flan and the 'Cat. Make no mistake, Ripper's future at videohelp.com is sure to be one of rewarding Post-Whoring, righteous Flaming, and hideous flogging of vinyl companions.

SatStorm is a True Post Whore by proxy. As one of the founding members of this fabulous community, SatStorm has proven time and again that he is not only one of the most knowledgable members in the digital video world, he can make most grown men cry with his proficiency in vulgarity and his absolute mastery of disrespect. His recent ascention to moderatorship has only glorified those who worship Foghorn Leghorn. Yes, his Off-Topic posting of just under 5% (93 of 1954 posts) is embarrassing to the average Post Whore, but we are not average Post Whores are we? Not all men can be judged by a simple set of rules, and although he doesn't technically qualify for Post Whore status, some of our fellow members deserve honorary mention for their collected works. SatStorm is one of them. We raise our glasses to you, SatStorm, and cheer in unison, "**** the Greeks!"

teegee420 is, after much discussion, a True Post Whore. We have waived the mandatory six-month probation period for this indivdual because of his sheer abilities. With an impressive 21% Off-Topic posting (619 of 2934 posts) for such a new member, what sets teegee apart from the rest of us is absolute committment to the Post Whore community. He meets all five of the bsic requirements for Post Whores, with an emphasis on disrespecting stupid people that has made Dr. Khan particularly proud. Vulgarity and teegee is like northcat_8 and Tampax, or Capmaster and vinyl. It just goes together perfectly. His knowledge of the hobby spans several of the more common and uncommon facets, and his willingness to admit his MAME heritage is of particular importance to those of us who thought the 1980's should live forever. There isn't much we'd like to see teegee improve upon. Just keep your hands on the wheel teegee, and there'll be plenty of newbies to smash along the way to videohelp.com utopia.


There are other members of this community whose names were not mentioned. We will, over time, discuss some of these individuals, and their value to the videohelp.com Post Whore.

Thank you for attendance, and your willingness to learn. I will see you all at Newbies 105: Socializing with the Moderators, over the Memorial Day Weekend.


Dr. Indolikaa Khan
Snowflake University

[teegee420]

I must say Dr. Khan, you're very thorough. You must have been feeling particularly faaaabulous tonight after stocking up on your refreshments.

[flaninacupboard]

how many wine coolers do you think he drank?

roll on 105!

[teegee420]

My guess is 8-10. That post took too much thought and preparation to be formulated by a drunken post whore. It would have taken at least that many to get a decent buzz going...so I've heard. :P

My suggestion for Newbies 105:

"The Flame War"

[flaninacupboard]

how about

"The DMCA Menace"
"Attack of the Geeks"?
"The (DVD)Clone Wars" ?

"A new Format"
"The MPAA Strikes Back"
"Return of the Pirate"

?

"The Newbie"
"The Newbie: Reloaded"
"The Newbie: Revolting"

"Newbie: The Introduction"
"Newbie II: The Wrath of Indo"
"Newbie III: The Search for TXPharoah"
"Newbie IV: The Voyage Hobo"
"Newbie V: The Final Format"
"Newbie VI: The Undiscovered Booktype"
"Newbie: Gigabytes"
"Newbie: First Coaster"
"Newbie: Instructions"
"Newbie: Nultiplex"

If you can think of a better one for nemesis please post it!

[Ripper2860]

I am honored and priviledged to be recognized as a "Promising Post Whore". I will try as I can to meet and exceed the daunting task that is in front of me in achieving "True Post Whoredom".

Good Morning! I am now off in search of a cup of coffee !!

[northcat_8]

Hey I had to run to town and get some wine coolers and a can of fix a flat...what did I miss?

[flaninacupboard]

Hey I had to run to town and get some wine coolers

Hmmm, teachers pet....... :P

[Capmaster]

I have a tear in my eye. That great Post Whore 104 summary was most touching. But I must take exception to a couple of glaring omissions:

Cobra and Pacmania_2001

Cobra has the unique ability to maintain his dignity while mixing it up with all comers in even the must brutal flame wars. Cobra never loses his cool, yet he has proven he is not above the one-word and two-word posts - staples of the true post whore. He is a PW at heart, but he has to appease the Master of All That Lives and Breathes here - Baldrick, if he has any hope of becoming a mod.

Pacmania wears two hats much like Offline - he "walks the walk" on the OT threads, and for the unfortunate few who underestimate his abilities to mix it up, you realize there are two types of members here - those that respect Pac, and those that will While chronologically still wet behind the ears (I have shoes older than Pac), he defies the definition of "young whelp" and proves he is as mature as anyone here, which isn't saying much

[offline]

Indo about Capmaster:..although we do not feel his Staff ass-kissing is completely up to par

See above post. You have underestimated the inflatable one.
That is one rearend hicky!! I'm sure pac will drop the socks in favour of vinyl any day now...

I like watching the perveted getting converted

[Capmaster]

Indo about Capmaster:..although we do not feel his Staff ass-kissing is completely up to par

See above post. You have underestimated the inflatable one.
That is one rearend hicky!! I'm sure pac will drop the socks in favour of vinyl any day now...

I like watching the perveted getting converted

What's the problem? My instructor offered constructive criticism and identified an area that needed work. I merely attempted to do some remedial work so I might achieve true post whore status.

And ......bend over Offline, you don't have a hickey yet

[flaninacupboard]

And ......bend over Offline, you don't have a hickey yet

We're experiencing new levels of debauchery! calm it guys, you'll cause an international incident! i can see the headlines "Australians Fucked in the Ass by Americans: Literally!"

[Capmaster]

And ......bend over Offline, you don't have a hickey yet

We're experiencing new levels of debauchery! calm it guys, you'll cause an international incident! i can see the headlines "Australians Fucked in the Ass by Americans: Literally!"

I wasn't going to **** it ...just give it a little kiss ....jeez

I always had a thing for you Aussies ...that accent is suuuch a turn-on, you thweaty beatht!

[indolikaa]

There is nothing better in life than starting a day with a good laugh.

I would like to clarify something regarding your exam answers.


I only had two wine coolers last night. Please allow me to explain myself. We are, for a lack of better words, in the 'Bend Me Over and Drive Me Home, Uncle Sam!' tax bracket. This means April and May are tight months for us financially. During this lean times, I find it to be more prudent to cut back on some of my luxuries in life. That being said, please consider the following lesson in Economics.

A relaxing evening of social drinking in the Khan household normally requires one of the following: two Screwdrivers, or four Zimas. We have calculated that each Screwdriver costs about $2.50, and each Zima costs about $1.20. So to acheive the pleasant feeling of buzz, Indolikaa Khan budgets $5.00 per evening per person, for a total of $10.00.

Wine coolers run about $0.50 per bottle up here. However, it takes a little more input to produce the required output: eight. Hence, $4.00 per person, for a total of $8.00 per evening, and the Khan household has it's daily requirement of 'wine her, dine her, 69 her' at a $2.00 savings over normal budgetary practices.

Now, multiply $2.00 times, say five days per week, and nine weeks in the time period in quesiton, and you have saved $90.00. While the overall buzz factor is slightly less, the savings ensure that Indolikaa Khan doesn't have to reduce himself to the level of a 'Total Cheap-Ass' and buy substandard media NOT MADE IN JAPAN.

Indolikaa Khan thanks you for your understanding in this matter.


OK, for the record, Wal-Mart has been out of Zima the last couple of trips, and my reserve of Finlandia has run dry. Sounds like a good excuse for a trip to Albuquerque to me!

[Capmaster]

OK, for the record, Wal-Mart has been out of Zima the last couple of trips, and my reserve of Finlandia has run dry. Sounds like a good excuse for a trip to Albuquerque to me!

You have to make the trip anyway to return my 16" portable inflatable clown (for those impulsive moments). Make sure you wash it first

[indolikaa]

OK, for the record, Wal-Mart has been out of Zima the last couple of trips, and my reserve of Finlandia has run dry. Sounds like a good excuse for a trip to Albuquerque to me!

You have to make the trip anyway to return my 16" portable inflatable clown (for those impulsive moments). Make sure you wash it first

I'M NOT DONE WITH HER YET!!!

[Capmaster]

OK, for the record, Wal-Mart has been out of Zima the last couple of trips, and my reserve of Finlandia has run dry. Sounds like a good excuse for a trip to Albuquerque to me!

You have to make the trip anyway to return my 16" portable inflatable clown (for those impulsive moments). Make sure you wash it first

I'M NOT DONE WITH HER YET!!!

Take your time then. While you're here, I have a special tour I'd like to give you:

1) Tour of KUMSC (Kirtland Underground Munitions Storage Complex)

2) Tour of Coyote Canyon high explosives test facility (we can actually blow shit up)

3) Tour of the radioactive isotope storage facility (free samples )

4) Stop at Wallfart to buy vinyl patch kit

5) Tour of my private collection of firearms, explosives (ammonium iodide anyone?), reloading equipment, and an afternoon at the range shooting at pictures of Naked Geek, anyone French, and Jack Valenti.

Trip to the bar to get completely shit-faced, where we can poke fun of the other videohelp.com regulars and their unwillingness to embrace nuclear weapons as not only a hobby, but a way of life

[Cobra]

Cobra never loses his cool, yet he has proven he is not above the one-word and two-word posts - staples of the true post whore.

Thank you!

Cobra

[flaninacupboard]

explosives (ammonium iodide anyone?),

Hmm, from memory that's not terribly stable. you into other pyro stuff too?

[Cobra]

What about Devanshu? He's got a whopping 82% in Off Topic, a truly impressive figure.

Cobra

[indolikaa]

explosives (ammonium iodide anyone?),

Hmm, from memory that's not terribly stable.

Well, neither is Capmaster.

[Capmaster]

explosives (ammonium iodide anyone?),

Hmm, from memory that's not terribly stable. you into other pyro stuff too?

No, it's not too stable. The nice thing about it is that it doesn't generate any heat when detonated. I once mixed up a batch for a demonstration, and used it. The empty container went into the garage trash, since it's safe enough. Well, the next day I was doing some work in there and it was very quiet. All of a sudden the container (aluminum milk dish about 2 inches in dia.) exploded. Scared the living shit out of me I puckered so fast and hard I almost pulled my own pants off Last time I left the container around.

Yes, explosives has always been a hobby of mine. I remember my first jar of potassium nitrate ..... 8)

[indolikaa]

I like explosives, too.

That chicken thing they serve at Wecks? Comes with a shitload of potatoes, eggs and red chile. Talk about explosive!

[Cobra]

To think, the most explosive thing I've ever played with is three aerosol cans wrapped up generously in magnesium ribbon, placed on a petrol fire done at night time. The bang/thump was immense, as was the mushroom cloud - I'll see if I can get the tape put to DVD so I can put it up. Won't be any time soon...

Cobra

[flaninacupboard]

aluminum milk dish

Amateur!

First for me was acetone peroxide, simply as it involved not leaving the house to get chems!

[Capmaster]

To think, the most explosive thing I've ever played with is three aerosol cans wrapped up generously in magnesium ribbon, placed on a petrol fire done at night time. The bang/thump was immense, as was the mushroom cloud - I'll see if I can get the tape put to DVD so I can put it up. Won't be any time soon...

Cobra

I anticipate it with growing wood.

Why don't women appreciate something as primitively gratifying as explosives, martial arts and guns?

My wife will watch all the Bruce Willis movies and she likes them, but whenever I sit down for a Bruce Lee marathon she mutters "another dick-flick, sheesh", and leaves the room.

Whenever she puts on a Shirley Temple movie from the '40s, or Clueless, or Legally Blonde, I finally get a handle on the projectile vomiting long enough to say "dear, my genitalia are beginning to retract", and I leave the room to go log in to videohelp.com.

How can we both love the movie "Siege", yet whenever I put on a Stephen Seagal movie she turns green?

[gitreel]

Ah yes....the never-ending quest to understand the opposite sex. I gave up trying to understand my wife years ago. Chickflicks got you down Cap? :P

[Capmaster]

Ah yes....the never-ending quest to understand the opposite sex. I gave up trying to understand my wife years ago. Chickflicks got you down Cap? :P

Only when they're on :P

[offline]

OK, for the record, Wal-Mart has been out of Zima the last couple of trips, and my reserve of Finlandia has run dry.

Ahh.. then allow me to pour you some snakes milk. Invented during
WWII, snakes milk is simply skim milk powder mixed with water and
connected to the gas mains.

Let the gas bubble through the milk for
a few minutes, add suger to get rid of the yucky "gas" flavor, and
consume. LPG is preferred but MIG would be interesting. Use full
cream milk if you have it. Cheap transport, but it gets you there.

I always had a thing for you Aussies ...that accent is suuuch a turn-on, you thweaty beatht!

Down Capmaster Down! Bad doggie!! If cappy is a bad doggie he
won't get his favorite vinyl chew toy!

To think, the most explosive thing I've ever played with is three aerosol cans wrapped up generously in magnesium ribbon, placed on a petrol fire done at night time.

The most explosive thing I've ever played with is a Mexican
General's Wife. 8)

[Capmaster]

Down Capmaster Down! Bad doggie!!

Ooohhhh ....thcold me thome more ....you authie thtud-muffin you ....