RANT: True Life is Funny.

[Doramius]

Okay, I'm doing this thread becuase a few people have found my true life stories to be a bit funny, and they are, though a little humiliating at times. Feel free to poke at these. My life is an open book, or at least the one that Capmaster bought. I'll basically label all mine 'RANT' and you can poke at mine or add any of your own WHY ME true stories that happened to you. The story below is one I had in another thread for those of you that think it sounds familiar.
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My wife called some carpet cleaners because of a recent & bad carpet stain my son left from his juice cup. She didn't tell me she had done this. This morning the carpet cleaning lady came and knocked on the door and the door wasn't completely latched from when my wife left for work. Not knowing this I didn't pull it closed, so the knock caused the door to open. There I am feeding my son in my holey underwear with half my nutsack poking through and the carpet lady says, "I'm here to clean the stain." Talk about 'Awkward' and I was wondering what stain at first because the juice cup at that moment wasn't the first thing I thought about when she said stain. This was just this morning.

[northcat_8]

Feel free to poke at these. I'll basically label all mine 'RANT' and you can poke at mine

I think you have misjudged the members of this forum, I don't know a single member who would "poke fun" at you or anyone else for any reason, let alone a potentially humiliating moment in one's life. It is very upsetting that you have gotten that impression... I just don't know what to say...I am beside myself on your perception

[888888]

Do you have holes in YOUR underwear?

No?

Then how do you put them on!

[Ripper2860]

Was the carpet lady HOT?
Did you nail her!?

Come on -- you can tell us. Certainly that's what happened. The story didn't really end there did it??

I bet there were a few "extra" stains on the ole carpet before she was done cleaning it !!

[northcat_8]

Was the carpet lady HOT?
Did you nail her!?

Come on -- you can tell us. Certainly that's what happened. The story didn't really end there did it??

I bet there were a few "extra" stains on the ole carpet before she was done cleaning it !!

Don't let him bullshit you Ripper...the stain that needed cleaning didn't come from the "juice cup" in the first place...juice tube maybe...juice pot probably...but not the juice cup :P :P

[offline]

"...and the carpet lady says, "Oh who's a dirty boy then?" reaching
down to get a good feel, ripping off her own similarly stained G-string
and falling to all fours."

a more plausible tale.

[Capmaster]

Was the carpet lady HOT?
Did you nail her!?

Come on -- you can tell us. Certainly that's what happened. The story didn't really end there did it??

I bet there were a few "extra" stains on the ole carpet before she was done cleaning it !!

Nail her? Please. If you were sitting there in holey drawers with half your nutsack hanging out and a strange woman walked in, you'd do what I'd do - "turtle", then immediately reach for the nearest cushion to cover up, resisting the urge to run screaming from the room like a frightened little girl You would ....wouldn't you? Or am I the only one here with any remaining modesty?

[northcat_8]

Yea, Doramius...what "spot" is she cleaning

[northcat_8]

Or am I the only one here with any remaining modesty?

Capmaster....modesty....

[Doramius]

She was a bit older looking and husky like a large, butch, female cop. I just stepped quickly to one side behind the door and asked her to wait a moment. I got some sweats on and then came back. Nothing special. I bet she's got a good story now. Good thing my kids not old enough to know better of what happens. I told my wife the story and she just laughed at me with tears in her eyes. She called and had to tell half her family. I don't think I can go to anymore of her relative's houses anymore.

[flaninacupboard]

Or am I the only one here with any remaining modesty?

Definitely. when i lived with my parents i sometimes answered the door naked. after all, i knew it would only be tramps selling j-cloths or some jehovahs witnesses. when i broke my leg i got some funny looks, i used to live in the basement, but obviously couldn't do the stairs with the cast, so my folks moved my bed into the front room, with a window onto the street. hey, if you don't want to see me bash the bishop don't look in my freaking window

[Doramius]

Or if their hot enough, ask them to join you.

[flaninacupboard]

no, i lived in this lame town where old people went to retire. imagine reno but 40 years older. if i shagged them they'd probably die.

[Doramius]

Heh, population control. Let them die happy.

[offline]

She was a bit older looking and husky like a large, butch, female cop

My type!!!

no, i lived in this lame town where old people went to retire. imagine reno but 40 years older. if i shagged them they'd probably die.

ewwwwwww Perish the thought. You'd have to iron the wrinkles
out of their saggy skin before you could get it on.
Forget the KY, pass the denture fixative and the sandpaper!!

[Capmaster]

She was a bit older looking and husky like a large, butch, female cop

My type!!!

no, i lived in this lame town where old people went to retire. imagine reno but 40 years older. if i shagged them they'd probably die.

ewwwwwww Perish the thought. You'd have to iron the wrinkles
out of their saggy skin before you could get it on.
Forget the KY, pass the denture fixative and the sandpaper!!

Like humping a bowl of warm cottage cheese Oops, sorry Northcat. I'll bet you were going to say that

[northcat_8]

What's really sad about that statement, is usually when a limited selection is presented a man will find the prettiest (or least ugly) female there -doable, when if you were to take that same girl and put her in a different grouping you wouldn't even give her a second look.

I promise you, had I grown up where flan did, I would have found 2-3 of the older women hot and would have been on the job.

It's sad, I know...I've always been a split tail hound.

[flaninacupboard]

hmm............
maybe i'll drive through the town with my camera and take some snaps

[Capmaster]

What's really sad about that statement, is usually when a limited selection is presented a man will find the prettiest (or least ugly) female there -doable, when if you were to take that same girl and put her in a different grouping you wouldn't even give her a second look.

I promise you, had I grown up where flan did, I would have found 2-3 of the older women hot and would have been on the job.

It's sad, I know...I've always been a split tail hound.

It's the human ability to adapt and the urge to procreate. Get horny enough and limit your selection enough, you'll hit most anything

[northcat_8]

But that is not true for the female

I saw a show on the discovery channel about the "human sexes" or something like that.

On the show they took a faily attractive female and a fairly attractive male (it wasn't me so I'll take their word for it) and sent them into several bars and they were to ask people to go home with them for the night.

The male subject asked 100 women to go home with him and 100 women said "No".

The female subject asked 100 men to go home with her and 68 of them said "Yes" and of the 32 to turn her down, 31 of them apologized because their girlfriend or wife "was in town". Only 1 guy just said "No".

[Capmaster]

But that is not true for the female

I saw a show on the discovery channel about the "human sexes" or something like that.

On the show they took a faily attractive female and a fairly attractive male (it wasn't me so I'll take their word for it) and sent them into several bars and they were to ask people to go home with them for the night.

The male subject asked 100 women to go home with him and 100 women said "No".

The female subject asked 100 men to go home with her and 68 of them said "Yes" and of the 32 to turn her down, 31 of them apologized because their girlfriend or wife "was in town". Only 1 guy just said "No".

I believe that. I think one of the sexes is more selective ("must still have a pulse" ) because the resulting population explosion would have killed us all from starvation. Could you imagine a world where women were as eager to fornicate as we were It would be a lot of fun, but it wouldn't last too long....the whole world would have to live like people in Hong Kong - living on a sampan because all the land's taken

[northcat_8]

Very true.

Here is an example of just what you are saying but with a "gold digger" exposure of the female psyche.

A woman walking across a crosswalk wanting a ride home sees identical twin males in 2 different cars stopped at the light. Both males are dressed casual (golf shirt, etc) but identically, the only difference is that one is driving a 2003 BMW and the other is driving a rusted 72 chevy Nova. Which male will the female ask for a ride?

A man walks out of McDonalds and in the parking lot there are 2 identical twin females parked side by side. One is dressed nice and leaning against her 2003 BMW and one is dressed in a thong bikini and laying on the hood of a rusted 72 chevy nova. Which female will the male go talk to?

Now I know that some females would say they would ask the guy in the nova and some guys would go talk to the female in the BMW, but the majority of females go to the BMW and the majority of males go to the girl on the nova.

These 2 scenerios not only illustrate the support seeking quest of the female versus the reproduction quests of the male but also illustrates to some extent the intimidation that most males feel towards a successful female.

[Capmaster]

Even if the two women were dressed identically, and were identical in appearance, I think I would approach the one with the '72 Nova because I would be afraid the BMW woman would be too high-maintenance.

[northcat_8]

Damn Cap....disappointment is not a strong enough word.

What kind of whore are you?? Evidenty a whore in training The proper way to approach the McDonalds scenerio...is to of course approach the one on the nova first, but notice, make eye contact with the one on the beamer. Noticing how much they look alike you could initiate a conversation with both women at the same time. Impress them with how nice of a guy you are, play the sympathy card (never lead with the sympathy card....but always play it 2nd in the hand, 3rd if you have to play the "sympathize with her" card 2nd..you have to follow suit), talk them into you 3 going out for dinner that night....

Then refer to the golden rule of Red Wing Whoredom:

Every "NO" is 2 shots from a "Maybe"
Every "Maybe" is 2 shots from a "Hell yea, sounds fun."

*sigh*.....we may need to get you a tutor :P

[flaninacupboard]

except you stipulated you're coming out of McDonalds, neither woman will actually talk to you!!

[Capmaster]

except you stipulated you're coming out of McDonalds, neither woman will actually talk to you!!

If I were dressed in a Ronald McDonald clown suit I'll bet they would. "Would you like to honk my horn?" Hahaha

Sorry for the disappointment Northcat. Maybe I've been married too long, or perhaps I've been lulled into complacency from having had Dolly's services available at my beck and call

[indolikaa]

I'd go after the '72 Nova chick myself, and piss on the Beamer on my way over...

[northcat_8]

Daddy bull and son bull standing on top of a hill overlooking a pasture full of heiffers. Son bull says..."Dad, Dad...lets run down there and **** one of those heifers". Daddy bull says "No son, lets walk down there and **** em' all."

There is much to learn from this story.

[Doramius]

That's what I say. I'd try to figure out a way to get with both girls. If I can't get with one, I'd go with the other. I'm not afraid of the rich professional, and a girl in a 72' Chevy just needs some finer points on picking out a good car on a budget.