Sexist Joke

[Craig Tucker]

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?".

"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say t thanks for his new ears!"

[freak_in_cage_10k]

lol

i like www.amazingjokes.com cos they have a new joke each day and sum of them are really good!!!

[pacmania_2001]

[i_am_dave]

Not sexy, but funny!


-------------------------------
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to
thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they
had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that
the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would
follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked
into the hotel. There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail
back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her
email address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
>
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He
was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory"
following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting
messages from relative and friends. Upon reading the first message, she
fainted and fell to the floor. Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

[MackemX]

this is a good one

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


and this

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:

1.When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2.Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3.Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4.How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5.Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6.Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean.........c'mon already!.
7.Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8.Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10.Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11.Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12.When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13.Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14.The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15.Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

[Craig Tucker]

This one made me chuckle

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old,agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

[Ducatti20]

[defense]

This one made me chuckle

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old,agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"
_________________

Craig, the last time I heard that Joke I fell off my dinosaur and broke my Rock underwear! Man, that joke is old as history...lol....but hey, I'm glad you liked it man....I think I heard that for the first time in the 2nd grade....if you like that one, i'm sure you'd love 100's of my elementary school jokes...lmao

[boss]

has anyone heard about the E.U. wanting to ban sexist jokes? i'm not joking.....

[Faustus]

How exactly does one ban a joke?

[tgpo]

Easy. You put it in a commercial or movie. Then no one will ever laugh at it again.

[MOVIEGEEK]

How exactly does one ban a joke?

The anti-humor gestapo will find you and make you watch Chevy Chase movies.

[i_am_dave]

Sexist jokes are already banned at my workplace. Although they don't call them by that name. They call them
'Sexual Harassment'
Like all laws with good intent, but bad judgment, it didn't stop the sexism, just drove it underground!

[tgpo]

dave, the e-mail joke was great!

[rhegedus]

How exactly does one ban a joke?

The anti-humor gestapo will find you and make you watch Chevy Chase movies.

Aw, come on! Fletch and Foul Play are great films.

[Craig Tucker]

I like caddyshack

[Craig Tucker]

OK heres another one

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So,instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties,honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

[rhegedus]

Nice one!

[j1d10t]

I've always liked this one:
This guy is going though a really nasty divorce, and he decides that he is going to drink his life away. He goes to this bar, tells the bartender what's happening, and that he wants one of everything behind the bar. The bartender feels sorry for the guy, so he gives him one of everything. The guy gets filthy, stinking drunk, but somehow manages to make it home. The next night he returns to the bar, and again, he tells the bartender that he wants one of everything behind the bar. Again, the bar tender complies, and the guy staggers out stinking drunk. The guy comes back to the bar the next evening, and the bartender looks at him and says, "one of everything, right?" The guy says "no", and orders a Coke. The bar tender asks "why just Coke? I thought you wanted to drink your life away." They guy replies by telling the bartender, "it was awful. Last night I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "that's normal. When you drink that much, you have to give your system time to adjust. Anybody drinking that much to start is going to get sick." The guy looks at the bartender and says, "no, man, you don't understand. Chunks is my dogs name."

[pacmania_2001]

Funny, yet disgusting.

[hoyboy]

An airplane is sitting on the tarmac at Sydney airport bound for Melbourne, when a stewardess notices avery beautiful, very blonde woman walk up from economy class and sit in first class. The stewardess goes over and asks to see her ticket. When told the ticket is for economy only and that she will have to sit back in economy, the blond replies "i'm blonde, I'm beautiful and i'm going to melbourne in first class". The stewardess dosen't know what to do so she goes and gets the first officer. He comes back and gets the same answer from the blonde. She's not going anywhere. They retreat back into the cockpit and are discussing what to do with her- get the police or just kick her off when the captain say's "leave her to me. I'm married to a blonde and I can speak blonde". He heads back and whispers something in the blondes ear. With an apologtic nod, she picks her stuff up and heads back to economy. The first officer and stewardess are stunned "what did you say to her?". The captain grinned and replied "I just told her First Class isn't going to melbourne today"

[Craig Tucker]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've
farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says "Doctor, I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent they stink
terribly."

"Good" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[phatslug]

After her sixth child, ....."That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say t thanks for his new ears!"

Ha... i was expecting something like

And this ones from John the doctor for what he did while you were passed out.

[Craig Tucker]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, all fat 'n ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies "your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on".

[SquirrelDip]

While the husband was lying in bed his wife looking into the bathroom mirror says to him "I'm thinking of getting a boob job."

Husband replies "Why don't you just rub toilet paper between them?"

Wife calls back "Toilet paper?!? How's that suppose to help my boobs?"

Husband yells "Well... It's done wonders for your ass!"

[Gees]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"

the woman says, "I'll miss you."

[Gees]

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

[Gees]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

[Gees]

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart.

[Gees]

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.