Alcohol Warnings

[BJ_M]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

NEW Alcohol Warnings:

Due to increasing products liability litigation,
American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think
you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers arereally dying for you to te! ! lephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of inexplicable rug burns. On the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING:

The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you
can tipe reel gude.

[glockjs]

punk in drublic

[makntraks]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

"What's up" turns into "Waaaaaazzzzzzzzuuuuppppppppppppppppp"

makntraks

[ZAPPER]

Funny how when you are sober you can't carry a scalding hot bowl of soup from the microwave to the table with out spilling it all over and when you are drunk you can fall down three flights of stairs and not spill a drop of your drink!

[ZAPPER]

Officer, is hard to say when you are drunk. As in "Yesss sssirrr ossifer I haven't been drinkin"

[glockjs]

yess ossifer, i not as drunk as u think u am

[Noahtuck]

I don't have a drinking problem.......















i drink.... i fall down.........














no problem........................

[Shadowmistress]

Hey, some of those are hard to say when you're sober.
I won't specify which ones.

[MackemX]

has anyone got that list that tells you when you should know you are drunk?

if your vision is blurred then that means you are looking through the bottom of an empty glass is one I think

[jimmalenko]

WARNING


The consumption of alcohol may result in you picking up something so disgustingly ugly that you need to chew your own arm off in the morning.

[northcat_8]

One thing easy to say when you are drunk...

"You're late MFer I orded the G.Damn pizza an hour ago"

which is going to be uttered if that MFer ever gets here.

Oh yea, I know...it's free...I don't care, it's the principal.

[offline]

Hey, some of those are hard to say when you're sober.
I won't specify which ones.

Well I don't even know what some of them mean

[ZAPPER]

Hey, some of those are hard to say when you're sober.
I won't specify which ones.

Well I don't even know what some of them mean

I wasn't going to admit to edthr er iether err either oh never mind

[offline]

How tall are YOU?

Hell.. I did not know they stacked wit that high!

[ZAPPER]

Yeah... I am just full of "wit"

[EddyH]

Funny how when you are sober you can't carry a scalding hot bowl of soup from the microwave to the table with out spilling it all over and when you are drunk you can fall down three flights of stairs and not spill a drop of your drink!

Well, it's a depressant and muscle relaxant - it means you stop worrying about spilling your soup, which makes you jitter and spill it, but instead concentrate on doing it right, in a kind of gently swaying manner.

Also.... impossible to say....
No officer, i haven't touched a drop, but I have got the car booked into the garage tomorrow so they can fix the tracking, it's wandering something chronic.

[northcat_8]

I'm sorry ocifer, I had to drive, I am too drunk to walk.

[ZAPPER]

Hey buddy, you better let me drive, I am to drunk to roll a joint.

[MackemX]

has anyone got that list that tells you when you should know you are drunk?

if your vision is blurred then that means you are looking through the bottom of an empty glass is one I think

eventually came across a list

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: The world seems dull and boring.
FAULT: You've sobered up.
ACTION: Get Drunk.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Pint Glass is too Small.
FAULT: You never voted for D.A.S.
ACTION: Get Drunk. Join D.A.S. and fight for the 'Fair Measure' of a Pint.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Room spining, vision blurred.
FAULT: Your drunk.
ACTION: Maintain current level of drinking.

SYMPTOM: Suddenly become aware your at the base of porcelain statue.
FAULT: You passed out in the toilet.
ACTION: Check if you've missed last call.(see below)

SYMPTOM: Hear a bell ringing.
FAULT: Its last call.
ACTION: Buy several drinks.

SYMPTOM: Hear bells ringing.
FAULT: Your hung over. Its a new day.
ACTION: Buy several drinks.

SYMPTOM: Hear traffic, bed hard, cold and wet.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check flask, if empty fill it.

SYMPTOM: Head hurts, bright lights, and your in bed.
FAULT: You've wandered home drunk and its the morning.
ACTION: Take two analgesics. Drink water. Wait, then replace water with alcohol and continue drinking.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize the person you're in bed with, or the room you're in.
FAULT: You've been naughty.
ACTION: Check gender of partner in accordance to your orientation and proceed accordingly.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize the room you're in, walls grey.
FAULT: You've been arrested for public intoxication.
ACTION: Go back to sleep.

SYMPTOM: All of the above has occurred, last night.
FAULT: You've become a journalist.
ACTION: Get Drunk. Rinse. Repeat.