Looking for advice.

[shelbyGT]

My fiance said yes (that sounds a little redundant), but anyway... advice for the wedding and life in general from those of you that have gone through it?

What's your main point you'd like to share from when you were engaged?

[BJ_M]

i dont remember cus i got drunk on my wedding day, didn't speak the language and was late .....

Also disappeared during the reception with the new bride for almost an hour and pissed off the father in law (so they tell me)...

Anyway - advice is to not hit on other girls during the reception, but its ok to get their numbers ...


life in general advice - -

live life to the fullest and don't take things to serious ..

and when she stops talking is when she is the maddest and you will never win an argument at that point so dont even try ....

never shit in your own backyard and never loan or borrow money from family or friends...

[BJ_M]

ohh - and congratulations ... !!!

[Conquest10]

never loan or borrow money from family

VERY, VERY wise words. ALWAYS, ALWAYS go by them.

[Roz]

never loan or borrow money from family or friends...

Especially the loan bit!

[MackemX]

what jobs do you both do and what hours do you work? :P

I don't want to be a spoilsport as I'm happy for people when they get married (my best mates all are) but to be truthful I don't see the point in marriage these days. Is it 2 out of 3 that end in divorce now? It was a financial gain in previous years but not any more and you only have to co-habit for 6 months for your partner to get half your belongings. If you love someone enough then marriage is just a piece of signed paper

I was engaged to a beautiful girl in every manner that I'd wanted to be with but with me being on 3 shifts didn't help. I wouldn't see her at all some weeks and then only for a few hours another. In time the stress took it's toll due to various reasons such as my health deteriorating due to an undiagnosable illness even after 6 months of numerous tests. I still regret splitting up with her but that's part of life I guess. I'm sure things would be different now seeing as I'm fit again and I've quit my job

anyway, congrats again and I hope you have a great day when it comes

[BJ_M]

geez - that was a real uplifting post :P

[MackemX]

geez - that was a real uplifting post :P

lol

[pchan]

Congrats !

Think carefully !

When you tie the knot... don't ever think of untieing it. It's going to very very very messy if you untie ...

[SquirrelDip]

Get married in Las Vegas!

It was the second time around for both me and the wife and I didn't want a church wedding (I had one the first time and it seemed a little hypocritical) - wife wanted one (her first was in a park) so we settled on a chappel in Vegas.

Here's what I see as the 'pros' for Las Vegas:

1. As cheesy as it was, it was still a chappel - 30 minutes, you're in, you're married, you're out.

2. If you've got guests coming from many multiple cities there's always something for them to do - on average, it's probably cheaper too (there's always a "deal" going to Vegs).

3. Your reception dinner can be had for $10 per plate at any of many buffets.

4. Non stop partying!

[AlecWest]

Here's some politically incorrect advice. There is only one constant in the universe ... change. Lucky couples can live with or appreciate changes. Unlucky couples can't. So, as much as you may love her now, you may not feel the same way a few years from now. And never forget the old divorced husband's saying, "You never know your wife well until you meet her in court." Or, as a doctor friend once joked:

QUESTION - What's the difference between true love and herpes?
ANSWER - Herpes lasts forever.

Advice? Slowly but surely (and regularly), deposit money into a secret out-of-state bank account. Living in Kansas City, you're in a perfect position to do this since Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri are border towns. And when I say "secret," I mean "secret." Don't tell friends, don't tell lawyers, don't tell accountants, don't tell anybody. If worse comes to worse, you'll have a nestegg set aside for the transition back to a "single" life. On the other hand, if everything works out great, you'll have a nestegg set aside for a great 20th Anniversary present for your wife (a diamond, a cruise, etc.).

Love may feel grand now. But no one can predict the future. However, the future can be planned for. I'm hoping you use the nestegg for a diamond or a cruise on your 20th Anniversary. But, as Forrest Gump once said, "Shit happens."

[lordsmurf]

What's your main point you'd like to share from when you were engaged?

If you change your mind between now and the wedding date, then change it. Do not go through with it, even if everything is paid and everybody will hate your from now to eternity. Anybody that tries to talk you out of YOUR DECISION, tell them bluntly to "shut the **** up".

This is not from personal experience, this comes from watching somebody in my family experience this same thing, only to suffer through years of marriage that ended (well, not quite yet) in a messy, messy divorce.

Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong engagement.

And be sure to live together for some period of time. Don't feed me some religious bullshit about "that's immoral, blah blah blah", some people just cannot live together, and you should test that out in advance of signing the contract. I've seen this too, first-hand, and it's not pretty.

[AlecWest]

And be sure to live together for some period of time. Don't feed me some religious bullshit about "that's immoral, blah blah blah", some people just cannot live together, and you should test that out in advance of signing the contract.

I concur with Lordsmurf 100% ... with one proviso. If you think things are going wrong and cannot negotiate a livable compromise, back out quick. There is such a thing a "pal-imony." Nowadays, an angry woman doesn't have to be married to you to dig deep into your pockets.

[AlecWest]

P.S. on the "secret bank account" idea. Nowadays, almost every bank allows the paperless statement option ... that instead of having a statement mailed to you, it's emailed to you. Make sure you have a paperless statement ... and have it sent to a web-based email account only you know about.

[smearbrick1]

1. Live together first - Imagine having to deal with someone who cuts their toenails on the living room furniture, or someone who brushes their hair in the kitchen. All of this could be avoided just by living with someone for more than 6 months (6 months is the amount of time it takes for the "true" person to come out once you've moved in together. After that time, you will find out if your mate is a compulsive packrat has some other extremely annoying personality trait. Most of these, execept for the occasional wife-to-be who wants to "step out"* on you, can be fixed with a little communication.)

2. Have sex with the person you are marrying before you are married. - Remember your first time? I barely remember mine. I imagine it wasn't great for her either. Nothing like 1 solid of minute of searing pain between your legs (her legs). Now, imagine that on your wedding night.

3. Get married in Vegas - This was detailed above.

4. Don't expect oral (any) sex after about the first couple months of marriage. The best birth control in the world is wedding cake. (unless she is trying to get pregnant... then, you'll be banging her every spare second of the day after she's done timing her ovulation with an egg timer. Sound romantic?) After about 6 months you end up with what I like to call "sympathy sex". This is only done for your benefit and to keep you off her back (literally).

5. Good luck! - I've been married 6 years (July 31st) and it's great. She's about the only person I can tolerate for extended periods of time before snapping (although snappage does occur when she's around.) I can tell you that it does take some work. Have patience, have compassion, and number 1: have your own space!!!

[shelbyGT]

Seperate bank account? It's a thought, although it kind of seems backhanded. I'd hate to be there if she ever found out about it. I guess I could always use the "I was saving that for us" bit, which sounds like it wouldn't be totally untrue.

We are going to be moving in together in October, when her lease is up and she can move in with me. So we will have a 7 months or so under our belt.

While I don't think the wedding in Vegas is a go (I brought it up and it was quickly chopped down), the wedding is going to be small (20 people) and the reception will be a bit larger (any and all are welcome at this point).

@smearbrick1: on your point #2... this has been taken care of and all is well. Good point, though. I had a friend who they both waited till they were married and he complained to me about how akward it was for about 3 months until they got all the kinks worked out (pun intended).

[SquirrelDip]

Seperate bank accounts... Yes! have 3 (or 4) - a common checking for household bills and one savings for each of you (4th would be a common savings).

The savings aren't hidden - you both have one and you budget a monthly deposit. It's nice to have a separate savings and not have to answer for (too many possibilities - lunches, nights out with the guys, gifts for you spouce etc....).

Doing this at the start is better as it will get tougher to do later on - when money gets tighter (and it always seems to get tighter).

[shelbyGT]

Well, I already have one primary checking, one checking for bills/payments, a money market account. The Roth is there, but I ain't touching that (obviously).

I could always dump some money in CD's that she doesn't know about or something.

[SquirrelDip]

I'm not saying have an account that she doesn't know about - I'm suggesting that both of you have a separate account that you both know about and budget a monthly "allowance."

You don't need to know eachothers ballances. I think a "secret" account will only cause problems in the long run...

[smearbrick1]

Secret Account = Coke and whore money

[tgpo]

I'm engaged and we're planning the wedding stuff now. The best thing to do, from what I've seen and heard, is to try and be involved in the the planning. You don't need to be there for everything thing, but if you help here and there and give your honest opinion on things it'll take some stress off of her and make likfe much better for the both of you.

[AlecWest]

I think a "secret" account will only cause problems in the long run...

Ancient Arabic proverb:

Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.

Unbridled trust can cause problems, too. Two of my very good friends back in the 60s, Jay & Sharon, were the most happily married couple I knew. In the 70s, Jay (a Navy electronics tech) was transferred to the transmitter site in Dixon, California. And, they remained happily married ... until ...

One day, Jay noticed Sharon hadn't put on any makeup as she usually did. It was no big deal but he asked about it anyway. She told him she'd joined a local charismatic religious sect that forbade the wearing of adornments. Still no big deal ... until a month later when she issued Jay an ultimatim. Either he joined her church or their marriage was over. He said he had no problem with her church membership but refused to join it himself. About a week later, he went to work as usual. And by the time he got home that afternoon, their apartment in base housing was cleaned out down to the bare walls. Their joint capital assets had been liquidated and Sharon was nowhere to be found. She surfaced about a month later only to have Jay served with divorce papers ... and showing her new address as back in the midwest (the sect's HQ). Years of Jay's saved income (Sharon was never employed) went right down the toilet in a heartbeat ... or rather, into the hands of a religious sect. The only saving grace of this situation is that Jay & Sharon had chosen to remain childless.

No one can possibly predict the changes our loved ones will go through ... or the influences they will encounter over the years that may reshape their thinking. The only thing that can be predicted (unless the economy tanks out) is the very unromantic return on a capital investment.

BTW, I've never had a "secret bank account" nor is it "my idea." But in my divorce, I was incredibly lucky financially (considering). And if I ever get married again, I'll have such an account set up "before" the vows are read. The idea came from a Donahue Show I saw years ago on TV. He had a number of guests discussing the pros/cons of secret bank accounts. And both sides agreed such accounts might lead to a divorce ... but for different reasons. While about half of all marriages end in divorce, an unknown statistic surrounds those who stay married ... namely, how many of them remain in an unhappy marriage because they fear the financial outcome of a divorce (especially, abused women). But men have a lot to fear, too. There's a lot of truth to be found in the old Jerry Reed country song, "She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft."