38 Things You Want to Say at Work But Can't

[HatchetMan]

This isn't an office, it's hell with florescent lighting.

I can see your point, but still think you're full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never. Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job. But I've got a lot Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be?

Do I look like a people person?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made...others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind the door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic & disorder -- my work is done here.

How do I set a laser pointer to stun?

[Faustus]

heh I work nights with no supervisors with an almost all male staff (at night at least) I can say pretty much whatever I want, but half the time there is nobody there to hear it.

I miss my co worker that left for a better job about a year ago, we had the same sense of twisted humor. Nothing like a co worker who shares the view that something others would say is horrible is great comedy material.

[Doramius]

I remember being a supervisor and asking people to do a task and nobody listening or doing anything. I would then go to a wall, poll, or door and start shouting at it, "Yeah, I'm talking to you. Now get up and do the task I asked you to do."

People always got a kick out of it. My manager saw me do it once and burst out laughing. He said it probably isn't the best way of showing confidence in my team, but he gave me credit for drawing their attention and getting them to do the task.

Other great lines I used were:

"Of course I'm talking down to you. I'm 6'5", and you're small."
"As a supervisor, I'm not supposed to complain about work. I get paid more to shut up and not say something stupid."
"If you enjoy working for places that treat you like crap, I can give you a good referral."
"If you still need a paycheck, but don't like the work here, McDonald's is hiring."
"Here's a stick to beat that horse again for good measure."
"There's a reason why I'm your supervisor, but Satan said I had to keep it a secret."

[AlecWest]

heh I work nights with no supervisors with an almost all male staff (at night at least) I can say pretty much whatever I want, but half the time there is nobody there to hear it.

You're lucky. A lot of people (like me) work in environments where a man can be disciplined just for having an off-color joke "overheard." A couple of years ago, I was taking a break in the employee break room. Some female coworker had brought in a Victoria's Secret catalog and had left it on a break room table. The cover depicted a large-breasted woman wearing nothing but a bra and panties, bending over to pick up a pencil off the floor. Her breasts were pressing tightly against the bra. I held up the cover, called out to one of my male coworkers and said, "Hey, Stef ... if Victoria bends over any further, the secret will be out."

We both laughed. But later, after I left the break room, a female coworker followed me and said, "I found your comment in the break room offensive." I replied the only way a man can reply if he wants to keep working -- "Sorry." What I really wanted to say was, "Jesus Christ, lady, get a life!"

[VCDHunter]

We both laughed. But later, after I left the break room, a female coworker followed me and said, "I found your comment in the break room offensive." I replied the only way a man can reply if he wants to keep working -- "Sorry." What I really wanted to say was, "Jesus Christ, lady, get a life!"

You should have explained to her that your comment was "post modern mysogyny and was, infact, steeped in irony" adding "so don't you worry your pretty little head about it, darling"

[Faustus]

Trust me my job is strict about that stuff also. Its just that working nightshift affords some luxuries that the day people dont have. Meaning there just are not that many people there.

If the poeple 3 rolls over didn't hear it it didn't happen. lol

[AlecWest]

We both laughed. But later, after I left the break room, a female coworker followed me and said, "I found your comment in the break room offensive." I replied the only way a man can reply if he wants to keep working -- "Sorry." What I really wanted to say was, "Jesus Christ, lady, get a life!"

You should have explained to her that your comment was "post modern mysogyny and was, infact, steeped in irony" adding "so don't you worry your pretty little head about it, darling"

A comment like that would have gotten me written up for sure ... especially if I used a word implying any kind of "affection" like darling.

Once, a guy working in my section wore a teeshirt to work depicting a Sumo wrestler in traditional attire. A woman went up to him and told him she found the teeshirt offensive. He told her to "live with it." She complained to a supervisor who ordered him to go home and change his teeshirt. He refused. For refusing to obey a direct order, the supervisor suspended him for a week without pay.

Two days later, an attorney showed up in the plant manager's office demanding his client (the man) be allowed to return to work ... with back pay. And, if he wasn't allowed to do so, the attorney would file a lawsuit on his behalf charging them with cultural bias. Ahem, the guy was of Japanese ancestry and, to many people with that heritage, Sumo is almost holy in its cultural significance. The guy was back the next day, getting back pay for the 2 days he missed ... and (grin) he wore the teeshirt again. Not sure what they told the woman.

But ...

About a week later, my entire unit was called together for a meeting. We were given a lecture on "sensitivity" by our company's EEO director. At the end of her diatribe, she called for questions. I raised my hand and she called on me. I asked, "Will there ever come a time when the stuck-up sticky-beaks of this world are sat down and told to leave their emotional eggshells at home so the tolerant majority can get on with their lives?" She glared at me, didn't respond, and asked everyone if there were other questions.

[Grimey]

My job is incredibly lax.....I call most of the girls I work with 'darling' or something along those lines. and no lawsuits so far


somethign fun to say to a coworker if they're being lippy, you say "hey, if I wanted your lip, you'd hear the sound of my zipper!" then watch their facial expression

[lordsmurf]

"Will there ever come a time when the stuck-up sticky-beaks of this world are sat down and told to leave their emotional eggshells at home so the tolerant majority can get on with their lives?"

I've saved this, just in case.
Don't be surprised if you see it quoted on videohelp from time to time.

[reboot]

The type of woman AlecWest mentioned is becomming more pervasive (I chose that word carefully) in today's workforce. They are self-proclaimed experts on being politically correct, which really means, they are mostly frustrated misanthropists, and take a comment like that, as being a personal mysogynistic attack.
I would have reminded her, that Galelio discovered a very long time ago, that the earth does NOT revolve around her, and maybe she should speak to her co-worker, about leaving such material laying around in the lunch room, as innapropriate as the comment was.
If women didn't want men looking/admiring/drooling, then they would all look and dress exactly like men.
Let's not forget that women's beauty products outsell mens, by about 16 billion to one.
But I digress...
The (very) few women we have in these forums may be offended by these comments. I do apologise for generalizing , but I don't see a whole bunch of complaints to get "The world's prettiest woman" thread locked/deleted either.

[pacmania_2001]

My workplace is incredibly lax but then again the females I work with don't take things too seriously.

[ViRaL1]

"Your idiocy offends me but I can't get into it because the litigation is still pending."

"You CAN'T be this dumb."

"I'd tell you that a monkey could do your job but I hate redundancy."

"You're obviously related to someone in management."

Some from my corporate IT days.

"It's not a job requirement for me to know how to use it so No, I can't train you." (ACT! has no real application for me)

"You're asking me what YOUR password is? If you tell me mine, I'll tell you yours."

"You're just NOW realizing you haven't backed up?"

"Well, I didn't know today was going to be your last day either, but I can't just GIVE you your laptop."

"That's why it says for WindowsXP ONLY."

"Yes, I know the network is down, that's why we give you hard drives. We don't intend for you to ONLY save to the network."

[Doramius]

"I'd offer a snide remark, but the person mad enough to jam that stick up your a** beat me to it."

"Wow, you're working twice as fast today. Now you're half as efficient as everyone else."

"Your mentality is such that I have to fire you. It's illegal to have minors working."

"After firing the biggest idiot, I didn't expect anyone else to fill the position."

"I've never seen anyone with a work ethic like yours. I'm amazed you showed up at all for me to say you're fired."

"You see that person over there? [point in odd direction where nobody is] That's the person who cares."

"I see the most work you've done in your life is breathing and making it into the egg at conception."

"Thank you. Workers like you brought me closer to religion."

[ViRaL1]

"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."