Funniest emails

[ViRaL1]

Every now and then an email comes across your desk that has you rolling on the floor. This is one of my faves. I'd like to see more from other people. I love a good laugh, so long as not too many people die in the process and / or I can't be identified and prosecuted.

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My name is Billy Evans. I AM A very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She Is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so Sick. I was Born without A body. It doesn't hurt, Except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is A burlap Bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the Best they could do ON account of us having No money OR Insurance.

I would like to have A body transplant, but we need More money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody Hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy and " and She hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her Sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you Forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to People you don't know, the too. Dr. Johansen said that for Every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send A nickel to NASA. With That funding, NASA will collect prayers from school Children all over America and have the astronauts take Them up into space so that the angels can hear them Better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, And he will take up A collection IN church and send All the money to the doctors. The doctors could help Me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to Play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can Take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be Closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so Sad and and I want A body. I don't want my leaves to rot Before I turn 10

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy Says you're A mean and heartless bastard who doesn't Care about A poor little boy with only A head. She Says that if you don't stew IN the raw pit of your own Guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die A long slow, Horrible death and then burn forever IN hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take Five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your Friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about Ignoring A poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please Help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had A Kitty. I wish I could hold A kitty. I wish I could Hold A kitty that wouldn't chew ON me and try to bury Its turds IN the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that Very much.

Thank You,

Billy " Smiles " Evans

[Capmaster]

It's gotta be a joke. It just has to be. "She hugs my burlap bag"?

[waheed]

Email I Received:

Subject: Bad days

And you thought you were having a bad day !!!!!

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask in the middle of the forest.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air and then airborne into smoke heaven.

[Capmaster]

Classic "wrong place at the wrong time" .....

[flaninacupboard]

do they do that for forest fires?

[Capmaster]

do they do that for forest fires?

When there's a big forest fire close to a water source they'll arm helicopters with these huge buckets and just fill 'em and dump 'em on the fire.

We get a lot of fires out here and they sometimes will dip water from Cochiti Reservoir, or they'll dump fire retardant on it.

[flaninacupboard]

Just seems a little inefficient, flying all that water round....
Must be damn strong cables to pick up water like that.

[Capmaster]

Just seems a little inefficient, flying all that water round....
Must be damn strong cables to pick up water like that.

Yeah. It always struck me as out of place, in this day and age of high technology - flying big buckets in and dumping water on it. I guess it's hard to beat a good dousing for stopping a fire in its tracks

[ViRaL1]

Nothing technological about water. If it was so easy to get water out to all the areas of the forest, we probably wouldn't HAVE forest fires to begin with.

[joecav]

The burlap bag kid was some funny stuff!

[ViRaL1]

To: comic@superkids.com
Subject: Fwd: 6th grade answers to a history test


----- Begin Included Message -----


6th grade answers to a history test
( Reported To Be Actual Answers To Sixth Grade History Tests)

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of The Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the steamboat.
----- End Included Message -----

[thecoalman]

I got an email message requesting 50 Lbs. of coal for shipment to Arizona. I don't do that but have shipped to some teachers since it's only available here. I replied explaining this and asked what pupose it was going to be used for. I get a reply that it was for a time machine complete with links to diagrams of the time machine and a long explanation how it was supposed to work.

Recently I got another one asking questions about the coal. I gave them and got a reply requesting 10lbs. in 1lb. bags untouched by human hands. Also stated that they couldn't call me on the phone because it was tapped by the FBI. Probably a joke but the first one was completely serious.

Edit: The type of coal (anthracite) is only available here, obviously coal is available elsewhere.

[lordsmurf]

Subject:
Help line

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line.
Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired;
however the person is currently suing WordPerfect for:
"Termination without cause".
This the from the taped conversation leading up to the dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm.. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank. It won't accept anything I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor.
I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing that with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on."

" I don't know."

" OK, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of your computer,
not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."

" Okay, here it is."

"Follow, it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

"No."

"Even if you maybe put you knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming through the window."

"Well, then turn on the office light then."

'I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power.. A power outage.
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"

"Well yes, I keep it in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, pack it
up just like it came when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them."

"Tell them you're too F*#$%* stupid to own a computer."

and

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to take it out on someone!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called
her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with
Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I
yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote
the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd
answer, and the I'd yell,"You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then
one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" The reason I took the
time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything
really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial
823-4863.

Keep reading, it gets better.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls
into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do
that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even
hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there are sure a lot of
jerks in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window
of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jerk!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man
with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I
can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My
name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home
in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!"
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's
number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better
for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after
several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole
thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up
with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!", but I didn't hang
up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said,
"Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I
said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.
It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming
over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk
#2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever
find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well,
here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as
he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on
down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch
two jerks kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and
a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

for Capmaster:

Subject: Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his
porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep
ain't nothin but liars!!!"

and

Software VS Hardware

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press
release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following
characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning
light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt
size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going
off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

and

Subject: FW: The Airplane

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she
wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really
feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane
who can make me feel like a
WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall,
built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No
one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the
strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across
his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to
the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[Capmaster]

Reading that was a good way to start my Monday morning. Thanks Smurfie

[DVD_Ripper]

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had A Kitty. I wish I could hold A kitty. I wish I could Hold A kitty that wouldn't chew ON me and try to bury Its turds IN the leaves of my burlap body.

Oh this is the best... .good email

[ViRaL1]

Diary of a Viagra Housewife
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit ...

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell....

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself ... he did. He must die.