A little side humor

[Doramius]

This has been normally found as a chain letter, and some of those have been altered a bit too. THis is the funny story from where it came from.

SIPPING VODKA


A young new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. Before the mass he told the monsignor of his fright. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."

So right before the mass he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he became extremely nervous and took a drink.
He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Your sermon had a very interesting insight, but please remember this if you are given an opportunity for a next one.

1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior the spook.
7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.
8.) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
11)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
12)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
14)When Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked into the desert, do not snicker and question the conregation about it.
15)Most importantly sip the vodka, don't gulp.

[DVD_Ripper]

Thats good Doramius -- we need a little levity in this forum now...

[offline]

Night of Love


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No,no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."


Slogans

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Sunshine Coast Area:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************


At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tyre Shop in Queensland:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you! are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************


And don't forget the sign at a Brisbane Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."



Subject: Clocks

>
> --
>
> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
> the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
>
> He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
> St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
> Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
>
> "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
>
> "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
> she never told a lie."
> "Incredible" said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
>
> St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
> moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
> life."
> "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
> "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."