How to apologize to someone who you have offended?

[scustalow]

Any thoughts on this..?..in my situation..there is a Co Worker that says I have offended them..therefore wont speak to me..before this we were very good friends..they wont say what I said to offend them ,just that I have..wont even discuss it with anyone else..I have picked my brain apart trying to figure out what I could have said but no luck..they wont answer emails..my question is...should I?

Apologize for what ever I did..

Just Leave them Alone.
Write a letter or card.
Try to call and if no answer leave a voice Mail?

If I did offend someone and it was that bad and they never want to speak to me again..I can understand..but just not knowing..bothers me..

Any help out there?

[Mr. Dweezel]

..there is a Co Worker that says I have offended them..therefore wont speak to me..before this we were very good friends..they wont say what I said to offend them

You already answered your own question!

[redstripes]

try to talk to them in person... eventually they won't ignore you if you are standing right in front of them

[Epicurus8a]

Don't you just love this "f'd up" society we've created for ourselves? No one talks anymore. Instead they merely whine and complain until they get the special treatment they like.

I'd write them a nice letter, explain you don't understand, and humbly request an explanation. I'd also keep a copy of the letter - just in case they file a formal complaint against you. Then I'd leave them alone. If you don't leave them alone you're only giving them another reason to complain about you (harrassment).

After that, do your best to forget about the matter. Otherwise it will only eat you apart.

[stiltman]

I agree with Epicurus

Put it writting, and save a copy. However do not apologized for something you do not know....

If they wont tell you, I'd also just leave them alone. Can't be that great of friend if they can't tell you what you did to piss them off

[12Quidkidinnit]

a Co Worker that says I have offended them

This may sound a bit hard faced, or uncaring, which it isn't meant to be. I am interested in people, and I care about them. I have faith in human nature, but just to put this into perspective, I personally believe that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, but not the feelings of others.
If someone chooses to feel offended it is exactly that, their choice. They could equally choose to feel amused instead, or happy, or any one of many other things. To accuse someone else of making them feel any emotion is like admitting that someone other than themselves has control of their emotions, which they don't. I think it's a shame that so many people don't seem willing to accept responsibility for their own feelings and experiences, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world.

It sounds to me like you've made a big effort to find out what this co worker is upset about, and I don't know what else you could do. I hope you don't end up going round blaming yourself for something that basically isn't your stuff, because apart from this not really being fair on you, it might serve to reinforce this person's belief that other people are responsible for how they feel. Also, occasionally (and often without being aware that they're doing it) people behave in this way in order to manipulate others.

[Epicurus8a]

a Co Worker that says I have offended them

This may sound a bit hard faced, or uncaring, which it isn't meant to be. I am interested in people, and I care about them. I have faith in human nature, but just to put this into perspective, I personally believe that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, but not the feelings of others.
If someone chooses to feel offended it is exactly that, their choice. They could equally choose to feel amused instead, or happy, or any one of many other things. To accuse someone else of making them feel any emotion is like admitting that someone other than themselves has control of their emotions, which they don't. I think it's a shame that so many people don't seem willing to accept responsibility for their own feelings and experiences, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world.

It sounds to me like you've made a big effort to find out what this co worker is upset about, and I don't know what else you could do. I hope you don't end up going round blaming yourself for something that basically isn't your stuff, because apart from this not really being fair on you, it might serve to reinforce this person's belief that other people are responsible for how they feel. Also, occasionally (and often without being aware that they're doing it) people behave in this way in order to manipulate others.

I agree 100%.

If a person doesn't want to talk openly there's nothing you can do to force them. And if you continue trying they will only resent you more. (Remember these words after you get married.)

[Conquest10]

My take on this: if you aren't married to this person, f^%k them. If the person does tell you what upset them and you apologize and they 'forgive', it will still stay in the back of their mind and will come out at the first opportunity. Do you really want to live with that?

[SquirrelDip]

I agree with Conquest10 (and the comment above about how good a friend could they have been).

Start dating their sister. If no sister then, even better, their mother. Possibilities are endless...

[ZAPPER]

Tell them that when they are ready to talk about "It" you will be ready to listen. Leave it at that. Do not offer a blanket apology before you know the offence, it may seem like a cop out or you may not really be sorry for "It". Acknowledging (SP) that you are aware that there is an issue and you are prepared to resolve the issue is about as professional and personal as you can get.


Telling you not to worry about it obviously is not going to work because it does bother you, and it should, but don't let it take you down too far. Sometimes you just have to shoulder the weight of the burden, that is your part of the freindship.



Did I just type that? The wife must have slipped me something in my drink. Yeach! Pthf! Damn Nicy Nice pills!

[Epicurus8a]

If the above suggestions don't help, there's always The Equalizer.

[scustalow]

So a blanket apology wouldn't be the thing to offer..?..we were such good friends..I just can't imagine any adult not willing to at least say what offended them and to at least give the offending person a chance to apologize..If I only knew what offened them..it is like serving time in Prison without knowing what for..Thanks to all who offered advice..this has been going on since July..I am still hoping for a resolution..maybe the Christmas or New Years Spirit will move their heart..

Tell them that when they are ready to talk about "It" you will be ready to listen. Leave it at that. Do not offer a blanket apology before you know the offence, it may seem like a cop out or you may not really be sorry for "It". Acknowledging (SP) that you are aware that there is an issue and you are prepared to resolve the issue is about as professional and personal as you can get.


Telling you not to worry about it obviously is not going to work because it does bother you, and it should, but don't let it take you down too far. Sometimes you just have to shoulder the weight of the burden, that is your part of the freindship.



Did I just type that? The wife must have slipped me something in my drink. Yeach! Pthf! Damn Nicy Nice pills!

[glockjs]

i wont ever apologize for who i am. what i say and do is part of who i am. my friends accept me for who i am and thats why they're my friends.

[Epicurus8a]

1.) If this has truly "been going on since July," they owe you an apology.
2.) Maybe they just don't want to be friends and can't figure out a decent way to tell you.
3.) I say screw 'em, stop wasting time agonizing, and move on with your life.

[scustalow]

You make a good point on #2 , maybe it is a excuse or a reason to just not want to be friends..I had always tried to treat a person like I would want to be treated..wonder why a adult person just could come out and either say..hey this is how you offended me or I don't want to associate with you any longer..I know sometimes the truth hurts..but to me its like the guy in Dirty Harry..he just had to know if there was one more bullet in the gun and just had to know..Thank you all for the advice..sad thing is I was there for them trough the bad times for over 2 years..maybe its a case of no longer needed

1.) If this has truly "been going on since July," they owe you an apology.
2.) Maybe they just don't want to be friends and can't figure out a decent way to tell you.
3.) I say screw 'em, stop wasting time agonizing, and move on with your life.

[Epicurus8a]

I had always tried to treat a person like I would want to be treated..wonder why a adult person just could come out and either say..hey this is how you offended me or I don't want to associate with you any longer.

Me too.

I've been in ackward situations before; for that matter, everyone has. Unfortunately some people simply aren't comfortable talking about things. Honestly, do your best to forget the matter. If this person really was a friend, they'll eventually realize the error of their ways and speak with you. On the other hand, if they never speak to you again, then you're probably better off without them.

[glockjs]

the way i view it...i'm always the one here. if somebody doesnt wanna deal thats on them. but im always here ^ ^

dont stress yourself out over something you cant control. not worth it imo.

[Shadowmistress]

This has happend to me in the past. A friend of mine all of a sudden one day announces how furious she was with me because I'd offended her but wouldn't tell me what I did. I apologized over and over through the course of a year and almost hounded her to find out what she was mad at but she never told me. I bumped into her years later and asked her about it again. Embarrasingly, she told me that a friend of hers had pointed out that I was doing "something" at the time which hurt her greatly, but over the years she realized I wasn't doing it on purpose and that she could tell now that I wasn't aware it was hurting her at all. Well... no kidding. She wasn't apologetic about what she put me through though because she'd been genuinely hurt, and there was no way the friendship could be salvaged. It was 20 years ago and I sometimes still wonder wtf she was talking about.

On the flipside, I remember doing the very same thing to someone else once. The problem was not that they had offended me, it was that what they said had embarrassed me so much that I couldn't bear to repeat it and go through the shame again, even if it was just to explain it to them. It wasn't my pride getting in the way, it was for the survival of my self image. And although I valued our friendship a great deal, for me it came down to the fact that if this person could believe such a horrible thought about me as true (and somehow the burden of proof had shifted to me to prove it's untrue), how could they possibly respect me as a person and therefore continue being my friend? So I was caught in a catch 22. I could explain what they did to me but couldn't prove its untrue - in which case they'd lose respect for me and I'd lose them as a friend, or I could not tell them what they did and it would continue hurting me - in which case I'd have to stop being their friend to stop getting hurt.

The only advice I can give you is to blanket apologize for anything you might have done, reiterate the fact that you would never have knowingly offended her and that your friendship means a great deal to you, and then be thoroughly open minded about whatever she says. Don't judge, don't offer your opinion about anything (cause that might be the offensive material), and listen to what she's saying like you're listening for a cricket on the opposite side of the world. If she's embarrassed she still won't straight out tell you, but most likely she'll drop enough clues so that you can guess what it is. Remember that throughout the whole thing this will be hurting her. And if you manage to overcome this your friendship will be that much stronger.

If she won't speak to you and give you the chance to fix things, forget about her. Obviously your friendship never meant enough to her to be worth saving. Don't waste your time wondering what you did because she's chosen to punish you for it by ending the friendship and therefore you owe her nothing for the hurt you've unintentionally caused her. Ending the friendship is payment in full.



I could be totally off base, but just thought I'd drop my 2 cents in.

[scustalow]

How do I do this..? Phone call,Voice Message,Letter?Through someone else?

This has happend to me in the past. A friend of mine all of a sudden one day announces how furious she was with me because I'd offended her but wouldn't tell me what I did. I apologized over and over through the course of a year and almost hounded her to find out what she was mad at but she never told me. I bumped into her years later and asked her about it again. Embarrasingly, she told me that a friend of hers had pointed out that I was doing "something" at the time which hurt her greatly, but over the years she realized I wasn't doing it on purpose and that she could tell now that I wasn't aware it was hurting her at all. Well... no kidding. She wasn't apologetic about what she put me through though because she'd been genuinely hurt, and there was no way the friendship could be salvaged. It was 20 years ago and I sometimes still wonder wtf she was talking about.

On the flipside, I remember doing the very same thing to someone else once. The problem was not that they had offended me, it was that what they said had embarrassed me so much that I couldn't bear to repeat it and go through the shame again, even if it was just to explain it to them. It wasn't my pride getting in the way, it was for the survival of my self image. And although I valued our friendship a great deal, for me it came down to the fact that if this person could believe such a horrible thought about me as true (and somehow the burden of proof had shifted to me to prove it's untrue), how could they possibly respect me as a person and therefore continue being my friend? So I was caught in a catch 22. I could explain what they did to me but couldn't prove its untrue - in which case they'd lose respect for me and I'd lose them as a friend, or I could not tell them what they did and it would continue hurting me - in which case I'd have to stop being their friend to stop getting hurt.

The only advice I can give you is to blanket apologize for anything you might have done, reiterate the fact that you would never have knowingly offended her and that your friendship means a great deal to you, and then be thoroughly open minded about whatever she says. Don't judge, don't offer your opinion about anything (cause that might be the offensive material), and listen to what she's saying like you're listening for a cricket on the opposite side of the world. If she's embarrassed she still won't straight out tell you, but most likely she'll drop enough clues so that you can guess what it is. Remember that throughout the whole thing this will be hurting her. And if you manage to overcome this your friendship will be that much stronger.

If she won't speak to you and give you the chance to fix things, forget about her. Obviously your friendship never meant enough to her to be worth saving. Don't waste your time wondering what you did because she's chosen to punish you for it by ending the friendship and therefore you owe her nothing for the hurt you've unintentionally caused her. Ending the friendship is payment in full.



I could be totally off base, but just thought I'd drop my 2 cents in.

[Super Warrior]

Any thoughts on this..?..in my situation..there is a Co Worker that says I have offended them..therefore wont speak to me..before this we were very good friends..they wont say what I said to offend them ,just that I have..wont even discuss it with anyone else..I have picked my brain apart trying to figure out what I could have said but no luck..they wont answer emails..my question is...should I?

Apologize for what ever I did..

Just Leave them Alone.
Write a letter or card.
Try to call and if no answer leave a voice Mail?

If I did offend someone and it was that bad and they never want to speak to me again..I can understand..but just not knowing..bothers me..

Any help out there?

Is your co-worker female?

Because that sounds like something stupid that a woman would do--Be mad at someone yet refuse to tell you why they're mad, and expect you to play freakin' detective or something to figure it out... *sigh* Its like a cowardly form of revenge.

I say just leave him/her alone and let'em stew over it for awhile, till they are ready to talk, and don't fall into their trap by letting that crap bother you.

[Epicurus8a]

[quote="[url=https://www.videohelp.com/tools?tool=SUPER_1]Super[/url] Warrior"]

Is your co-worker female?

Because that sounds like something stupid that a woman would do--Be mad at someone yet refuse to tell you why they're mad, and expect you to play freakin' detective or something to figure it out... *sigh* Its like a cowardly form of revenge.

It sounds like you're married, too. Women expect men to be mind readers.

A "blanket apology" is meaningless and might only cause more problems later on. If the other person wants to talk, they know how to find you. Until then, just forget about them.

[AlecWest]

It sounds like you're married, too. Women expect men to be mind readers.

Some women do but not all. Two girlfriends ago, I had one of them. My adult son and her adult son live in my town. She lived out of town. She was coming into town for Thanksgiving and called to tell me so ... and I suggested we all have a dinner together - her son, my son, her, and me. Immediately, she hung up the phone. I called back but she didn't answer. So, I sent her an email asking if she was OK.

After a day or so of "the silent treatment," she sent me an email back basically saying I was an insensitive person ... that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN she wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me exclusively. At first, I was going to "sleep on it" before I answered her back. But after thinking about it for a few moments, replied to her email promptly:

"Children pout. Adults communicate. And I am not clairvoyant. Good-bye."

Damn lucky I found out about this when I did. Our relationship was starting to get serious. Had we gotten married, I'm certain her "mind-reading" expectations would have surfaced. They probably will again, I imagine ... thankfully in another relationship.

[RabidDog]

This is a simple form of blackmail .. She is making you so paranaoid about what you may have said, that when she grants 8) you the privilege of her friendship again, you will do *anything* she wants. Ignore it. Good friends forgive each other, they dont hold meaningless grudges.. If this insult? was so gross why has no-one else mentioned it? Are you an unwitting sexist? racist? or dwarfist? cos those little people can be really nasty....
Was she the wind beneath your wings? do you fly higher with her help?
Be the pIdgeon NOT the statue!

[RottenFoxBreath]

if you feel you have done nothing verbally or physically to offend them,and offer a blanket apology,to clear your own mind,then id say wrong move..better off to do something to offend them,that way you know you did something,whereas this mind game thats being played is just endless,and pretty petty.
sling a few insults her way,comment on her bad skin,big ass or suchlike.
lifes too short to get tied up over something like this..get over it,and get on with life...

[ZAPPER]

if you feel you have done nothing verbally or physically to offend them,and offer a blanket apology,to clear your own mind,then id say wrong move..better off to do something to offend them,that way you know you did something,whereas this mind game thats being played is just endless,and pretty petty.
sling a few insults her way,comment on her bad skin,big ass or suchlike.
lifes too short to get tied up over something like this..get over it,and get on with life...

Interesting concept. Kind of that reverse psychology thing. Push it to the limit, break your friend down. What have you got to loose? Er,,,Ahhh.... they don't own any guns or anything do they? There is the possibility of the postal syndrome!

[Shadowmistress]

How do I do this..? Phone call,Voice Message,Letter?Through someone else?

That depends on how close a friendship you had in the first place and how much you want to fix it now. If you're resentfull that she's done this, don't bother. It's not worth the hassle you have to go through just to find out what it was to put your mind at ease. It was probably just something stupid anyway.

But if you really want to fix this and assuming she does too.... try sending her a little teddy bear with a card or maybe leaving it on her desk. The card should say something like: Happy new year, I miss your friendship, I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, for the sake of the good times we had can't we try again with a clean slate?
If she still doesn't talk to you just give up. It's probably so bad you'll never be able to fix it anyway. But if she misses you too she'll will talk to you, and that puts you one step closer.


As for the rest of you guys and your responses, boy you really know how to miss the point, don't you?

[BJ_M]

i just offend everyone equally and don't worry about it that way ....

[ZAPPER]

Did I miss something again? Has it been determined that the offended is in fact a woman?

Come on people get a grip.

The problem here is lack of communication, without it nothing will be resolved in your favor.

Feeling like you lost a friend, too bad. The other key issue here is "co-worker", implying this is a workplace issue and therefore possibly affecting money. If it is affecting money then it has to be resolved, even if it means the dismissal of the less important party.

Convey that to the quiet half of the arguement, unless you are the weak link at work, and if you are the weak link. Then it is time to start looking for a new job.

This may not be a true matter of plain social behaivor, it could be office politics at its typical, so maybe you should be communicating with your boss.

[SquirrelDip]

i just offend everyone equally and don't worry about it that way ....

I have to agree - People don't like nice... People expect consistency.

[SquirrelDip]

... Convey that to the quiet half of the arguement, unless you are the weak link at work, and if you are the weak link. Then it is time to start looking for a new job...

Earth to Zapper... Earth to Zapper...

(Your wife is editting isn't she???)