How to apologize to someone who you have offended?

[scustalow]

Any thoughts on this..?..in my situation..there is a Co Worker that says I have offended them..therefore wont speak to me..before this we were very good friends..they wont say what I said to offend them ,just that I have..wont even discuss it with anyone else..I have picked my brain apart trying to figure out what I could have said but no luck..they wont answer emails..my question is...should I?

Apologize for what ever I did..

Just Leave them Alone.
Write a letter or card.
Try to call and if no answer leave a voice Mail?

If I did offend someone and it was that bad and they never want to speak to me again..I can understand..but just not knowing..bothers me..

Update: First thanks to all who offered suggestions....it seems as though I am not alone..I was trying to keep this situation as a person to person..but as someone guessed..the Co-Worker is a woman..some suggested a blanket apology..some face to face..a letter..or just go on with life and forget it..I have not done anything..she does make a point of walking past my office door..making sure I see her..but not looking in or stopping..I think this is on purpose because there is other ways for her to get to her distination..I don't know how to make a blanket apology..if I did I would be admitting I did something but not know what it is I did..most were right and I agree that an adult should at least tell the person who offended them what they did..I am really hesitant to even call or write..as in this day and time a Man has to be careful on certain types of communications with women as it might be taken wrong or twisted into something it wasn't meant to be...wish I could just let it go .. but I have always prided myself in treating all people right..I guess until I can let it go or resolve this..I will keep trying to resolve this issue..should I ask another woman perhaps to ask her what is the offence?

Any help out there?

[Epicurus8a]

It's hopeless...

[lordsmurf]

i just offend everyone equally and don't worry about it that way ....

Same here.

[gll99]

I think you know the reason why or have a pretty good idea but won't admit it .

When my wife says that to me I play dumb but I know what she is talking about and she knows that I know but I'll never admit it.
btw She knows my userid but is not a member so she can't read the OT here so I'm safe.

Jealousy about time spent with someone else, failed promise or missed lunch date or meeting, missed an important day ie her birthday, slighted her in front of others by some joke or saying something negative about her appearance, work or any of her family members or saying something positive about someone else she dislikes, in trying to be impartial seeming to take someone else's side who is in a disagreement with her.

Did you say something to someone else about her and they imbellished it and rushed to tell her what you supposedly said. Partial truth is hard to fight because it contains enough valid info to make it real.

The worst thing is if she revealed some personal matter to you and you told someone else. This cannot be denied and is an act of betrayal which I WILL NEVER FORVIVE YOU FOR YOU SON OF A B..CH
Wow!! Sorry I lost it for a minute there but you get the idea.

(not that I have any experience with any of these things)

Just think back to when it happened. She can't be much of a friend if you don't know what makes her tick.

If she in any way is reporting to you in your employment and you passed her over, be on guard this is dangerous.

[Mylan23]

I'd suggest to write a letter and keep a copy

[lordsmurf]

I'd suggest to write a letter and keep a copy

Dear Temperamental Bitch,

[gll99]

LS is good at deciphering code. As a mod, he had to read between the lines of all the cryptic mail he got

If you are really desperate, there is always the third party way to find out. I'm sure someone else has heard all the gory details by now of what you have done to her. Who does she hang around with the most? Get close to that person and it's bound to slip out but don't ask directly just find ways to bring up situations about your past friendship in conversation.

Actually, the whole thing is very childish and seems more like a classroom scenario than a work related one. Move on.

[scustalow]

I really have no idea what happened..If I knew and was guilty of this offence I would apologize..I am almost to the point of just apologizing for whatever it was that she thinks I did..even though I don't.Why use the word "offend" to describe what ever it was I did?..Why not "Insult,Made me Mad,or some other word"?.. somewhere in the word description "Offend" is the reason.. Yes I know life goes on..and I can'tforce her to tell me .. but why not just say what it is .. and leave it at that.. Or is it a reason just to not ever speak to me again..and maybe I was mistaken to think we were ever friends.. I have never in my entire life wronged anyone on purpose..if I made a mistake I apologized for it.. If I would somehow ask and in the same letter promise if she want never to speak or to expect friendship..if she would only say what I did..be a option?

I think you know the reason why or have a pretty good idea but won't admit it .

When my wife says that to me I play dumb but I know what she is talking about and she knows that I know but I'll never admit it.
btw She knows my userid but is not a member so she can't read the OT here so I'm safe.

Jealousy about time spent with someone else, failed promise or missed lunch date or meeting, missed an important day ie her birthday, slighted her in front of others by some joke or saying something negative about her appearance, work or any of her family members or saying something positive about someone else she dislikes, in trying to be impartial seeming to take someone else's side who is in a disagreement with her.

Did you say something to someone else about her and they imbellished it and rushed to tell her what you supposedly said. Partial truth is hard to fight because it contains enough valid info to make it real.

The worst thing is if she revealed some personal matter to you and you told someone else. This cannot be denied and is an act of betrayal which I WILL NEVER FORVIVE YOU FOR YOU SON OF A B..CH
Wow!! Sorry I lost it for a minute there but you get the idea.

(not that I have any experience with any of these things)

Just think back to when it happened. She can't be much of a friend if you don't know what makes her tick.

If she in any way is reporting to you in your employment and you passed her over, be on guard this is dangerous.

[Epicurus8a]

scustalow, scholars have been trying to figure out women for thousands of years. It's pointless! Your friendship with her is over, so stop worrying about it and move on. Just be glad you're not married to her. And if you do end up married to her, be prepared to put your nuts in a jar - 'cause you won't need them.

[DePutoMadre]

everything is so difficult!! i'm always in tormant when have offended somebody, and even if i don't think that it was really an offence!

[scustalow]

Update: Well not really just a observation..she still won't speak to me nor tell me what I did..but she makes sure she walks past my office all the time..she doesn't have too..there is other ways to get to where she is going..I don't know if it is just to mess with my head..or she is looking for me to say something..I would really feel stupid if I spoke and said something and she just ignored me..looks like there is no solution to this puzzle...I suppose it will just continue to torment me..Thank to all who has offered their ideas.I still liken it to being sent to prison without knowing the crime

[bigmicka]

why dont you just sleep with her and get it over with?

mic

[ZAPPER]

Ah yes... Make up sex. Good stuff.

[frankiec]

Also, occasionally (and often without being aware that they're doing it) people behave in this way in order to manipulate others.

"The way I see it is that there is no right or wrong" way to manipulate others.

[Conquest10]

I haven't looked at this thread in a while.

Why does it not surprise me that it is a woman involved?

scustalow, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!! OK? For the love of god, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!! Its not going to do anything. Just forget it. OK? Just ignore her. She knows you're bothered and wants you to do something about it. That's why she is constantly doing that. She either wants you to quit or do something that will get you fired.

Do not attempt to talk to her. Like Chris Rock said. men are at a disadvantage in an argument. Because we want to try to make sense. Women will not let something like that get in the way of their argument.

[ViRaL1]

Being an outsider, I'm going to take a stab. This is someone with whom you had 'something' and probably shouldn't have for reasons if impropriety (e.g. you were with someone else, she was with someone else, or workplace standards at your office prohibit you two from fraternizing). From what I can tell, she is wanting more than what there is or has been and you are not wanting the same (probably because of the afore mentioned reasons). This is also evidenced by your fear of / refusal to confront her as to what the problem is between you two that has cut off communication. An apology without knowing what is wrong would be hollow beyond 'I'm sorry that you seem to be upset about something, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.' You can be sorry that she's upset, but you can't be sorry for what you've done unless you know what you've done (or haven't done). She seems to still have some interest in you otherwise she wouldn't be going out of her way to be seen by you. In your case, you care either a) because you're still interested in her, or b) because you're worried that she might make private matters public and cause problems for you either at work or at home. If I am in fact wrong, I'd be interested to hear another reason as to why you haven't just been able to blow her off and go about your life / business. If you want her to know that you still care about what she thinks or might say, talk to her. If it's of no consequence to you then let it go. From the effort you've put into it and the fact that you're even consulting relative strangers on what to do, it's probably evident to her as well that she's having an effect on you. Not that you'd care to share all the details of your personal life, but I'm sure there are probably some details which you're not sharing that could help clairfy the issue.

[scustalow]

Update:

..she still goes out of her way to walk past my office...and on occation we meet but she acts like she is waiting for me to speak..but I dont know if I should..

[ViRaL1]

It's going to bug you until you do, and it's on her mind too. Otherwise she wouldn't keep going out of her way to walk by.

[Michael0o]

You already answered your own question!

8)

[Conquest10]

I haven't looked at this thread in a while.

Why does it not surprise me that it is a woman involved?

scustalow, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!! OK? For the love of god, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!! Its not going to do anything. Just forget it. OK? Just ignore her. She knows you're bothered and wants you to do something about it. That's why she is constantly doing that. She either wants you to quit or do something that will get you fired.

Do not attempt to talk to her. Like Chris Rock said. men are at a disadvantage in an argument. Because we want to try to make sense. Women will not let something like that get in the way of their argument.

Am I just talking to myself here?

[SquirrelDip]

She wants you...

(And after you break up, not if but when, she will stalk you)

[scustalow]

Update:

I was checking my email..and there it was a message from her...only problem..I can't seem to open it.. on one hand it might be good news...or on the other BAD...no subject in the subject line..what would you guys do?..open it and take your chances..? or wait until Monday and see if she says anything..or just don't open it..? thanks to all who offered their thoughts..

[Conquest10]

what do you mean you can't open it? attachment?

[Epicurus8a]

Send a reply saying you can't open her message. Then say "Please remove me from your address book." Stop wasting your time playing stupid games with this psycho.

[ZAPPER]

Scan for viruses, and open. It is atleast a form of communication.

[träskmannen]

Scan for viruses, and open. It is atleast a form of communication.

I agree. I can't see any reason NOT to open it. If it is positive - a step to start communicating again - then it is good for you. If it is unclear then there is no difference from today. If it is hostile you at least know where you stand.

[lordsmurf]

E-mail is such a chicken-shit way of communicating with a person you can physically go see or easily call.

That alone speaks volumes about her personality. I'd still run away from this psycho bitch.

[Soopafresh]

She likes you....she REALLY likes you, and she's a manipulative attention ho. Fart in her presence - it'll ease the tension, and she won't like you "in that way" any longer. Too bad it won't "clear the air"

[scustalow]

I think I am going to leave this alone..She said she wasn't the same person any longer.. At this point I don't know if before she was the real one or now she is the real person..I have worried myself to death over this..I think it is time to Close the book on this..and continue my life..I suppose it will always bother me "What is was that I did to Offend her " but as she won't say to me..then it will just be one of Life's mysterys..I can't appologize for something I have no idea that I done.If I knew I would say I was sorry...All I know is for several years I was always there as a friend to listen to her problems..Perhaps she is a different person and is at a stage of her life where she no longer needs my friendship.It disapoints me that a person can do another like this..I guess I put too much stock into people..and or a friend..Thanks to all who have listened..and offered their advice..perhaps in time all this will just be a distant memory..

E-mail is such a chicken-shit way of communicating with a person you can physically go see or easily call.

That alone speaks volumes about her personality. I'd still run away from this psycho bitch.

[SquirrelDip]

And so continues another day in "As the Stomach Turns"