Some funny answering machine messages

[MackemX]

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you

[AlecWest]

Years ago shortly after leaving the Navy, I did a short stint as a telemarketer. I couldn't believe the number of people who don't realize that the same "street-address-order" directories bought by telemarketers are also bought by professional burglars ... who always call a home (and possibly neighbors on both sides) to make sure the house is empty before they break into it. Nowadays with cellphones, they can even call you from their cars parked near your property.

To make matters worse, a number of very stupid people leave messages like, "I'm not home now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you." One day, I called a number and got a more detailed response:

Sorry I'm not here right now. I'm at the gym and will do some grocery shopping afterward. I probably won't be home until 5PM. Call me back after 5PM or leave a message.

And being the evil person I am, I decided to cure her of her stupidity by leaving her this message:

Hi, this is your friendly neighborhood burglar. Just checking to see if anyone was home. Thanks for telling me you won't be home until 5PM. I should be done by 3:00 or 3:30 at the latest. But don't worry, I won't take much ... just a few odd things of value here and there ... stuff you probably won't even miss for a few days. It's the way I operate.

And yes, this was before the advent of "caller-ID." 8)

[MackemX]

If I go out I divert all my calls and I often get people saying 'how is that?' when they want to call round but I say I'm not at home

I've had this for years now and even now people still don't even know the service exists