Newbies 106: Blank Media Theory (Part 3 of 3)

[indolikaa]

(…at the Snowflake Inn.)

Dr. Khan: Bartender! Screwdriver. Heavy.

Dr. WankHer: We need an anti-aircraft gun.

Dr. Khan: Excuse me?

Dr. WankHer: Those jackrabbits are getting bigger every year. We need more firepower. One of these days, we’re going to miss and there’s going to be hell to pay. I want more protection. We need an anti-aircraft gun.

Dr. Khan: It’s a ******* jackrabbit, Wank. It weighs less than your penis does.

Dr. WankHer: You ever seen a jackrabbit on the bad side of a bender?

Dr. Khan: (Downs shot in one smooth movement…) You ever seen me on the bad side of a bender?

Dr. WankHer: (Cringes…)

Dr. Khan: That’s what I thought.

Dr. WankHer: Still, it would be cool to blow them varmints away with an anti-aircraft gun.

Dr. Khan: Call Sol. I’m sure his isn’t being used much lately.

Bartender: Only one screwdriver, Doc?

Dr. Khan: (Slaps a Hamilton on the bar…) Yeppers, Matty. I’ve got a class to teach tonight.

Dr. WankHer: (Looks at Matty…) He’s back…


Dr. Khan: Good evening, students. Did we enjoy our little foray with the sheep?

(Silence. Dead silence.)

Capmaster: Hey, what happened to the cricket?
VCDHunter: Cricket? What bloody cricket are you talking about?

Capmaster: You know, the cricket! The one that was under tekkieman’s chair.

(All parties look at tekkieman in unision…)

tekkieman: Wha? Oh, yeah. Um… Sorry guys, I think I kinda, you know, in my mad rush to chase Cobra down…

VCDHunter: What did you do, tekkieman?

tekkieman: (Hangs his head in shame…) I think I killed it… Accidentally.

(Silence. Dead silence.)

thayne: tekkieman!
gitreel: (Raises pitchfork…) Yeah! Down with tekkieman!
offline: (Raises sword…) tekkieman will burn in hell, he will!

(Silence. Dead silence.)

VCDHunter: Hey, where’s that guy who holds up the dead poultry?

Dr. WankHer: Oh, you didn’t hear, did you?

Dr. Khan: Of course they didn’t hear, you dolt. Have you already forgotten they’ve been out sheep-shagging for the last three months?

Dr. WankHer: Right. My bad. Um, Mr. VCDHunter? The Village Idiot…

Doramius: Hold that thought for a minute, would you Dr. WankHer?

(As Doramius ventures out into the Silver Creek wilderness, the sound of 'Jeopardy' echoes through the lecture hall, whistled very poorly by flaystus…)

Doramius: OK, I’m back. Please continue.

Dr. WankHer: Yeah. As I was saying Mr. VCDHunter, The Village Idiot dropped out of school this summer. He gave no reasons for his sudden departure. We were left only with a poem in which the Idiot spoke of his terms of endearment for one Mr. Jack Valenti. It was a rather touching poem, I must admit. I never thought the head of the MPAA could find love from an inflatable vinyl sheep…

Capmaster: Is that the bastard who took my Dolly?!

(Silence. Except for the sound of a frog croaking under Doramius’ chair…)

gitreel: Hey, where’d the frog come from?

Dr. Khan: Nice touch.

northcat_8: Jack Valenti took Dolly?

(Silence, once again. Although our new amphibious friend continued his tune, it was drowned out by the unflattering flatulence of Doramius…)

VCDHunter: ****, mate. What the hell was…

(Another unfortunate victim of Doramius’ brush with the local Mexican greasy-spoon, VCDHunter passes out on the floor…)

northcat_8: Damn you ******* shale! What in God’s name did you eat? That is just unrighteous!

Dr. WankHer: Would someone please turn on the air conditioning system? Stat?

Dr. Khan: Alright, alright, knock it off. It’s good to see most of you made it back from your spiritual pilgrimage to Luna, New Mexico. Yes, some of our esteemed colleagues have chosen to go their separate ways, but the majority of us are still here. Yours truly included…

Craig Tucker: I thought you were leaving.

Dr. Khan: Well, it’s like this. When you spend so much time on the Internet for so many hours each day, you can sometimes run into domestic challenges…

Dr. WankHer: (Laughing…) She kicked your ass, didn’t she.

(The aforementioned silence has returned. And our amphibious friend continues to sing, which in and of itself is a ******* miracle, considering he was located directly downwind and on target of the recent atomic ass-shot provided by Doramius…)

Dr. Khan: (Smacks Dr. WankHer upside the head…) SILENCE, YOU INSOLENT BASTARD!

(Psst)

Dr. Khan: Alright, who brought the ******* air compressor to class this time?

(Croak. Croak.)

Dr. Khan: As I was saying, Dr. WankHer? The lovely missus had some concerns about my supposed addiction to the Internet. She became concerned when I started spending more time at videohelp.com than normal. Now of course, I reassured her that everything was fine, but when pressed on the issue, I felt obligated to demonstrate I was in control. Hence, my recent decision to leave the Post-Whoring community. Of course, now she’s feels guilty about the whole thing…

Doramius: As well she should! How dare a woman interfere in the righteous calling of the Off-Topic Post-Whore!

(And with that, Doramius pinwheels through the air. The victim of a vicious 2x4 assault by…)

babyboo: Argh, matey.

Dr. Khan: Thank you, babyboo. Now, as I was saying, the wife was not aware of things going on behind the scenes. And before you open your damn mouth, this has nothing to do with vinyltarianism!

(Croak. Croak.)

Dr. Khan: It was really quite simple, once I explained to her to reasoning for my excessive post-whoring. And now that she understands the true nature of my time-wasting activities, I am not only back in here good graces, but I have her full support in this matter. In fact, things are completely back to normal at The Ranch.

(Psst)

Dr. Khan: I’m going to ask one more time, politely and in an even voice. WHO THE HELL BROUGHT THE AIR COMPRESSOR?!

Treebeard: You have got to be kidding me!

(As the class turns in unison to the sounds of high-pressure leakage, all are shocked to see the culprit is none other than…)

BJ_M: adam?!

adam: Um…

Capmaster: Well I'll be. I never would’ve guessed.

(Stunned silence descends over the lecture hall. Even our amphibious friend is left without words to describe the scene…)

Dr. Khan: And on that note, I think we would all benefit from an early release from class this morning.

Dr. WankHer: You got that right.

DVD_Ripper: Hey Doc. Did you happen to vote in that poll?

Dr. Khan: Yes.

DVD_Ripper: What was your vote?

Dr. Khan: I’m not at liberty to say.

northcat_8: Why? You have a higher approval rating than President Bush right now. I’ll bet when they remove all of the duplicate ‘No’ votes, you’ll be even more popular than President Chirac is with his own people.

Dr. Khan: Mr. Northcat, are you suggesting there are members of this fine community that would commit such a henious act? Are you suggesting that there are members that would purposely try to sink a candidacy I did not choose to partake in? Are you suggesting there is an UNLOYAL member among us faithful Post-Whores?

(As the class turns in unison to confront…)

Baldrick: Wha?

Ripper2860: You mean… Our fearless leader… He wouldn’t…

Baldrick: I wouldn’t do what… Oh, Piss off to all of you, you ******* dolts! Look around you, and tell me who has the most to lose if Indolikaa is allowed to raise the yellow card in the name of social justice?

(Silence befalls the lecture hall, except for the quiet sound of a mouse clicking continuously on the videohelp.com website…)

Capmaster: I don’t believe it…

Baldrick: Believe it, Reverend Capmaster. There is a sinner amongst you who conspires with the devil. He lusts the power and glory that weak men seek. He treasons the values of honesty and integrity to gain the narcotic he so desparately needs.

Ripper2860: A sinner? Who would want to see Indolikaa go down in flames?

gitreel: Who stands to gain the most from his demise?

(And like the uranium sphere that reaches critical mass nearly instantly, the Newbies Class of 2004 turns in unsion to face…)

Dr. WankHer: (Stops clicking the mouse...) Wha? Me?

Baldrick: Oops.

Ripper2860: WankHer!
gitreel: (Raises pitchfork…) Yeah! Down with WankHer!
offline: (Raises sword…) Dr. WankHer will burn in hell!
babyboo: (Raises the severed head of an infamous local Democrat…) Argh, matey!
flaystus: (Raises sock puppet…) Kill Dr. WankHer!


And with that, the lecture hall is once again cleared of its loyal students. This time, the only fornication will be delivered to a treacherous deviant via an unsanded 2x4. And that fine piece of northern California pine will make an excellent spit from which to roast the hide of one Dr. WankHer.

Meanwhile, back at the lecture hall…


Capmaster: So, are you going to stick around?

Dr. Khan: Did you really think I could leave this community of my own free will?

Capmaster: No.

Dr. Khan: Thanks for your support, dickhead.

Capmaster: No problem, cumbubble.

Dr. Khan: Family first, my friend. This family notwithstanding, of course. I had to take time off to make sure I had my priorities in the proper order.

Capmaster: And what of your candidacy for moderator?

Dr. Khan: Not my call. I will continue to serve this community in the fashion they have become accustomed to. Whether as moderator or veteran Post-Whore, it makes no difference to me.

Capmaster: What are we going to do about VCDHunter? He's still out cold.

Dr. Khan: We should probably check for a pulse. After that blue dart, he might have suffered from catastrophic asphyxiation.

Capmaster: He's alive. He's just unconscious. I would be.

Dr. Khan: Word.

Capmaster: So, what next?

Dr. Khan: Newbies 107: The Indolikaa Special.

Capmaster: Oh dear Lord…

[gitreel]

That is some thick fog. Beware the special

[DVD_Ripper]

So, will we get to see a public flogging of one Dr. WankHer? Please make sure to have a digital camera on hand.

Glad to see your back with family priorities taken into consideration.

[Conquest10]

Glad to see you back, Indo.

[Capmaster]

Heeeeeeeessssssss baaaaaaaackkkkkkkk !!!!!!

[Cobra]

I.... killed a.... cricket.....

[makntraks]

Cliffs anyone????

[gitreel]

Doramius, man.....

You gotta lay off of the grasy spoon food.

I see nothing but green clouds.

[Conquest10]

Its not that long.

[VCDHunter]

Nice to have you back fella. Excellent work as always.

Is anyone actually gonna wake me up or what ?

[yoda313]

Hello,

VCDHUNTER - WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kevin

[gitreel]

Nice to have you back fella. Excellent work as always.

Is anyone actually gonna wake me up or what ?

This is your wake up call.

rinnnnnnnnnnnngggggg,rinnnnnnnnnnnnggggg.

[indolikaa]

Nice to have you back fella. Excellent work as always.

Is anyone actually gonna wake me up or what ?

Nah, I thought we'd leave you there for awhile. :P

[BJ_M]

i dont know what to say after that war and peace epic ...

damm fine - damm fine and welcome back to 1984

[indolikaa]

Doubletalk duckspeak.

[yoda313]

Doubletalk duckspeak.

Hello,

To quote the Aflack Duck:

Quack Quack "aflack"

Kevin

[Doramius]

It was only a Frosty from Wendy's,.....[muttered under breath] and a classic tripple combo.

[gitreel]

The frostys are grrrrrrreat.

[jimmalenko]

never had one.

[Doramius]

Thick chocolate Ice cream Shake from Wendy's that's totally dairy. Being lactose intolerant, a small Frosty can create a big stomach ache and keep the bathroom clear for 2 hours.

[northcat_8]

Cliffs anyone????

Its not that long.

Now now conquest....it is pretty long for makntraks, hell over half of his english books aren't even colored yet


Most excellent Dr. Khan. That stench is probably why Doramius is farting blood