funniest one liners i've heard recently

[glockjs]

these are just some of the funniest one liners i've heard lately(both came from a co-worker) that came in at the perfect time that made me laugh my ass off...

"i don't think they would get it even if you carved it in their foreheads"

"sometimes i feel like im in a row-boat full of monkeys without the oars"

anybody else got some good ones?

[northcat_8]

"I think the problem is between your desk and your chair"

[Hatz]

" You're the load your mom should have swallowed"

" Go **** block your dad from your mom again"


Hatz

[Tiny71]

"I think the problem is between your desk and your chair"

Oh that is great.

Makes me think of the ole' I D ten T error! Get it... I D 10 T? IDIOT!

[Ripper2860]

"It isn't just about me and my dream of doing nothing."

[b1tchm4gn3t]

These are sick as hell...but when a freind of mine said it...I laughed my ass off!

"I'm so broke I had to jack off the cat to feed the dog"

and

"I am so broke I had to jack off just to get a warm meal"

I KNOW THESE ARE SICK, please dont hold this against me!

[Ripper2860]

While at a mall, my Texan friend made this statement as an attractive and well endowed woman walked by ...

"Look at the biscuits on that chuckwagon!"

[VCDHunter]

These are sick as hell...but when a freind of mine said it...I laughed my ass off!

"I'm so broke I had to jack off the cat to feed the dog"

and

"I am so broke I had to jack off just to get a warm meal"

I KNOW THESE ARE SICK, please dont hold this against me!

A guy I knew used to use "I was sweating like a rapist !" to indicate how hard he was working at something.

[Will Hay]

Max and Paddy (the club bouncers), on seeing a minibus full of midgets pull up in the car park and, not knowing they were midgets, retort....


"...how far away are they?"



I suppose seeing the sketch and being British might help.
Will Hay

[tgpo]

" You're the load your mom should have swallowed"

Sounds close to the line in Super Troopers

"Your mama should have swallowed you"

I still like

"I was on the force when you were still an itch in your dad's pants"

[VCDHunter]

Max and Paddy (the club bouncers), on seeing a minibus full of midgets pull up in the car park and, not knowing they were midgets, retort....


"...how far away are they?"



I suppose seeing the sketch and being British might help.
Will Hay

Or Paddys "I wouldn't mind hanging out of that !" at a girl entering the club

[Capmaster]

"My boss worked me like a rented donkey"

[enstg8er]

did you hear about the streaker in church who got caught by the organ?

[Capmaster]

"Watch out or I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild"

"My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI"

A man went to the shrink and said "Doc, last night I dreamed I was an Indian teepee, and the night before I dreamed I was a circus big-top", and the doc said ..."That's your problem ...you're two tents."

[Capmaster]

You got me started .........

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

[Craig Tucker]

Overhitting a putt at golf, or a shot at pool. "You've got a touch like a rapist"

[northcat_8]

Do you know why people in management wear ties? To keep the foreskin from flapping up over their head. (that's calling management dickheads for our slower viewers)

I was actually present for this one at BW3's....3 women sitting at a table, my friend is gaining confidence with every beer...he finally goes up to their table and says "hello ladies, I was wondering...." and before he could finish his sentence one of them said "look, unless you have a pussy between your legs we aren't interested." We about died laughing, the manager came out and asked us to quiet down and we told him what happened and he was laughing with us. Talk about shot down in flames...we make fun of him to this day about that night.

[Will Hay]

Max and Paddy (the club bouncers), on seeing a minibus full of midgets pull up in the car park and, not knowing they were midgets, retort....


"...how far away are they?"



I suppose seeing the sketch and being British might help.
Will Hay

Or Paddys "I wouldn't mind hanging out of that !" at a girl entering the club

Or his...
..."nice legs, what time do they open?"

Will

[Craig Tucker]

unless you have a pussy between your legs we aren't interested."

The reply to that is, "play your cards right and in half an hour I will have".

[hech54]

Here's one to ask your friends:

Q - "What's the secret to giving a woman TOTAL pleasure in bed?"
Of course most will answer that they don't know.


A - "Who cares - like I'm in this for HER"


My friend used that one all of the time.

[northcat_8]

unless you have a pussy between your legs we aren't interested."

The reply to that is, "play your cards right and in half an hour I will have".

That is a good one.

We tried to tell him they were Bull Dykes, there wasn't a good looking one out of the 3...good looking?? Hell, there wasn't even one that was "less ugly"....he was still sober enough to tell us to kiss is a$$, so then we started encouraging him we call him "Kitty" now.
My one friend even has the one song that goes "Hello pussycat wo-wo-wo, hello pussy cat...." as a short cut on his desktop and everytime Mike calls he plays that song in the background. We buy him female hygene products for his birthday and christmas, cat litter, 9-lives.... , he'll probably go nuts and kill all 3 of us oh well, sometimes you have that.

[glockjs]

my drunk friend this last weekend....

"some chick told me to give her 12 inches....so i gave it to her 6 times"

[Ironballs]

I heard this line from a film I'm sure (if anyone can tell me the film I'd appreciate it) and literally waited years to use it.......

A group of really fit birds were sitting in the pub, as one got up to go to the bar someone took her chair.

When she got back, she says "Damn, I've got nowhere to sit".

In dives old Ironballs with "Love, as long as I've got a face, you've got a seat"

[bottle-necked]

"That dog is so ugly he'd look better if you wiped his ass and walked him backwards"

[RabidDog]

Woman "Give me 9 inches and make Me bleed!"
Man, I shagged her three times and and then punched her in the Face.


PC disclaimer... this view in no way represents the view of the Mmgt or shareholders of this company

[VCDHunter]

Standup comic Doug Stanhope uses -

"I said to my girlfriend I wanna **** her between the tits, she said how you gonna make that feel good for me ? I said right before I come I'll stop punching you in the face !"



Sick, but makes me laugh.

[Ripper2860]

Classic Richard Pryor ....


" She's so fine, I'd suck her daddy's dick "

[Capmaster]

"I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from"

[northcat_8]

When a friend of mine sees a hot girl he will sometimes say:

"God Damn! I would drag my dick of 20 miles of broken glass to hear her fart over walkie talkies with weak batteries."

And I have another friend that says "I would like to use her tampon as a tea bag."....Oh..wait, no that's me...

[flaninacupboard]

Hahaha, you're sick, but funny!