tgpo's Definitive Guide To Christmas

[tgpo]

With Christmas only days away I thought I'd take a little time and let eveyone one in on a few tips and secrets to get the most out of the holiday season.

1. When you go see Santa, ask if Ms. Clause can sit in your lap instead.

2. Put a bag of coal on your Christmas list. That way even if you were bad you can tell eveyone you got what you wanted this year.

3. Kids remember, parents don't want money or other things on their lists. No, instead make a tiny book with "coupons" in it that when used makes you do the dishes or clean your room. Don't worry if you have to do that stuff anyway, your parents are stupid and won't remember that.

4. For a very funny joke watch the Weather channel and see when a frost will be in over the night. The night before the frost use your garden hose and spray down your roof. The next morning tell your Dad that one of the light strands on the roof is out and that he should go check it out. Priceless fun ensues!

5. Sing I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Clause around your Dad. On the last line add At Her Work Party Earlier This Week

6. Exchange the eggnog with pure ButterMilk. The faces that are made will be priceless if caught on camera.

7. Switch your parents wine with grapejuice. It's funny watching people think they are drunk, but aren't.

8. Take the ball of lights that are in a knot ready to be undone by your Dad and superglue it all together. He'll never figure that knot out!

9. The next time you see cat roadkill on the road, bring it home and tell your mom that you have a new Christmas Tree Star. Be sure to point out that the arrangement of the legs, head, and tail makes a perfect star once rigor mortis sets in.

10. Everytime that A Christmas Story comes on TV yell "I Can't Put My Arms Down!" as loud as you can.

11. Tell your Dad that his diamond present to your mom is in danger of being found and that you must hide it for him......I'm sure ya'll will find where you hide it....eventually.

12. Forget about buying presents, just give away crap you don't use anymore and couldn't sell at the yard sell. Everyone loves broken lava lamps and used broken pet rocks.

13. Run out of wrapping paper and have to go back to the store for more? Forget that, just wrap the stupid present in duct tape.

14. Soccer moms fighting with you over the last Tickle Me You Know Where Michael Jackson doll will not be able to withstand a direct punch to the face no matter how hard they try.

15. Money does not make for a good present, instead tell everyone that you donated their money to support Gary Coleman in the next California election.

16. Santa doesn't like it when kids are awake when he visits. So slip some ruffies in their milk before bed time. Just be sure that they keep breathing through the night.

17. Arrange presents so that the kids presents are behind the presents for your mother in law. That way the stupid witch will receive a fruitcake with size 3 footprints in it.

18. Kids love to wake you up early on Christmas Day. When they come into your room, have your wife standing above you're severed head with a bloody knife and have her run towards the kids. They will never bother you again.

19. If your Christmas tree catches on fire, peeing on it is okay. Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

20. Be sure that you don't accidentally tag you wife's new vibrating boy toy as being for your son. Years of emotional therapy will result.

Everyone be safe and remember not to drink and drive and buckle up. And remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Happy Holidays.

[Hatz]

LOL..........as always, funny stuff tgpo. And good point about Jesus being the reason for the season.......alot of people tend to forget about the real meaning.

Hatz

[g_shocker182]

baldrick seriously lets u make these things "anouncements"?

[tgpo]

baldrick seriously lets u make these things "anouncements"?

....uh....yeah, why?

[tenders]

hahaha ....thats great

@tgpo

buttermilk is good

[MOVIEGEEK]

"10. Everytime that A Christmas Story comes on TV yell "I Can't Put My Arms Down!" as loud as you can."

I always yell:"you'll shoot your eye out!"

[Treebeard]

Hey Tgpo!! how bout a new years guide? top things to do when the clock strikes 12!

[tenders]

baldrick seriously lets u make these things "anouncements"?

if you are not happy...then why do you post

you could find another board ..i'm sure

[g_shocker182]

baldrick seriously lets u make these things "anouncements"?

if you are not happy...then why do you post

you could find another board ..i'm sure

im quite content ty