Some people have way too much time on their hands

[Capmaster]

This was taken in its entirety. I haven't added or removed anything either



GARGOYLE TROUBLES

Loyal Surf Reporter Chris from Boone, NC recently purchased a house and moved into a new neighborhood in Boone, where he's apparently made quite the first impression. Obviously concerned that Ugly Southern Stereotypes are beginning to die out, the neighbors have banded together and concluded that Chris and his family are, in fact, smoking on the devil's johnson. What follows is the letter received from the homeowner's association, and Chris's response. As hard as it may be to believe, I promise you that I haven't added anything for comedic effect... this is the real deal.

THE LETTER
Christopher and Heather XXXX

XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX

Boone, NC 28607

Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna Tyne

For the Evergreen Homeowners Association


THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),

I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,

Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any further developments which, I predict, will include torches, pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Stay tuned...

[CoasterCreator]

nice reminds me of us ...

[northcat_8]

nice reminds me of us ...

C^2, speak for yourself....too much time on "our hands"


..oh wait...my bad I guess you can speak for me

[Dr. DOS]

Man, I was rollling in the isle here with this sentence:

I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry.

Oh, you gotta read letter two and response two

http://www.thewvsr.com/gargoyle.htm

[CoasterCreator]

yaeh me too ..



I just keep thinking he is going to have to live there for a while

[Craig Tucker]

[Doramius]

Man, I was rollling in the isle here with this sentence:

I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry.

Oh, you gotta read letter two and response two

http://www.thewvsr.com/gargoyle.htm

Here's a copy of what was written in the second letter, for those that might be having web troubles. This is great.

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607

October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner's Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association


RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),

I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN' MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don't even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren't you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.

[waheed]

Cant wait for Letter 3 and Response 3 if there will be one (I hope)

[jimmalenko]

Why do they even bother ?

[Doramius]

I hate lightbulb communities. I remember a huge news story in the late 90's about a couple that had purchased a new construction home back in the late 50's that was part of an association. They signed a contract that didn't allow increase in their fee of $8.50 every quarter, or $34 annually. Everyone else in the community changed hands or moved out over time except this couple. The newer association contracts are amended to allow increase in the association fee. The couple's did not have that clause as long as they did not move.

They decided to take a long cruise and were gone for 3 weeks and were with family & friends, when they got back, for the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays. The people of the association knew they were going to be gone for just over 2 months. The coouple had their mail sent to a PO Box for someone to pick up, rather than have it accumulate at their home.

There's debate wether the association had a hand in doing it, but someone knocked out a lamp light in front of their house. After one week, the association put a message on the DOOR of the couple's home, knowing they were out of town. They then put another notice a week after that. They then put a 3rd notice after 30days from the 2nd, stating the people had to be out within the next 30 days. When the couple came back home they had about 2 or 3 days to move out. They called their attorney and they had a court notice and judgment against the association before the end of the second day, and it allowed them to stay in their home until the courts decided appropriately how it was to be handled. They later ruled in favor of the couple as the association knew they were on vacation and it was not the association's normal practice to place notices on the doors of a house, but send them via regular mail. It was obviously an intentional push by the association, but couldn't be proven other than in the out of routine practice.

The couple also found they could title their original association contract to their house, so now if anyone moves into that home, they only have to follow the rules of the contract made in the 1950.

[flaninacupboard]

What exactly -is- a housing association? i remember seeing an episode of the x-files where dana and mulder moved into a house, and flouted these "rules" (like playing basketball after 8pm and the letterbox being the wrong colour, something like that) and it pissed off a bunch of moaning women. guess that's basically what a housing association is all about?

[tekkieman]

Yeah, pretty much. They make sure you're living to acceptable standards, and not lowering the property values in the neighborhood by having 5 old rustbucket cars up on blocks in your front yard. Hopefully without offending anyone... we used to call our association "The Nazi Yard Patrol".

[wantedman]

That was a great letter. I am currently at work and everyone turned to me with a look of suprise when I started to burst out in laughter. This just made my day Thanks.

[flaninacupboard]

Well doramius makes it sound like you need to pay to be part of one, what's the deal with that?

[CoasterCreator]

yeah people actually pay to be in a "nicer " place ...I once got a warning I was cutting my lawn ( oh and if you can not keep your lawn maintained you need to hire someone to do it for you ) and I had finished but the lawnmower had a hole in the left over pouch and some spilled onto the sidewalk ....I guess I did not cleaned it up enough because I had a notice that I had left " flamable material" and I had not cleaned it up properly...Dam so I just ended up getting my own gardener ( not theirs) so they were more pissed

[tekkieman]

You do. For our house in Texas, our association dues were about $400 a year. It is not negotiable. If you want to own a home within the subdivision, you agree to be a member of the association. Many subdivisions do this to ensure property values in the entire area.

[flaninacupboard]

how fucked up. what do they do with the money?

[yoda313]

how fucked up. what do they do with the money?

Hello,

Some of it probably goes to things like snow plow service in winter (in northern climates of course)

Also it might go to a gardning club to beautify the little islands around courts and the entrances to the sub.

Kevin

[flaninacupboard]

how fucked up. what do they do with the money?

Hello,

Some of it probably goes to things like snow plow service in winter (in northern climates of course)

you don't just shovel your own snow....?

Also it might go to a gardning club to beautify the little islands around courts and the entrances to the sub.

Isn't that the local councils job?

[yoda313]

Hello,

you don't just shovel your own snow....?

Sorry that might be a translation problem... I mean for the streets in the subdivision

Isn't that the local councils job?

You got me :P I'm just giving possibilities of what the money is used for.

Kevin

[tekkieman]

Some of the money is used for things like maintenance of the commons areas like the swimming pool, or the repairs of the common fencing, some of the money is used to pay for a sweet digital camera and the lazy **** who drove around all day in his truck taking pictures of your house to send you in the mail with notes like "put your trash cans behind the fence", "rake up the fallen leaves on your lawn", "your grass is a 1/4" too long, mow it!", etc.

[Capmaster]

Some of the money is used for things like maintenance of the commons areas like the swimming pool, or the repairs of the common fencing, some of the money is used to pay for a sweet digital camera and the lazy **** who drove around all day in his truck taking pictures of your house to send you in the mail with notes like "put your trash cans behind the fence", "rake up the fallen leaves on your lawn", "your grass is a 1/4" too long, mow it!", etc.

Kind of like the subdivision's "moderator"

Where do I sign up? ....if I could just get broadband in the truck ...lurk and drive around all day dinging homeowners. Be still my heart...

[CoasterCreator]

you would be the Mod Wardrivingdinger

[Capmaster]

you would be the Mod Wardrivingdinger

Sweet

[flaninacupboard]

Hello,

you don't just shovel your own snow....?

Sorry that might be a translation problem... I mean for the streets in the subdivision

Ok, see what you mean. over here the local council send out gritters at night, the snow doesn't last long in the morning. don't really see why the roads need shovelling...

[Doramius]

Depending on where you are depends on what the association does. SOme associations are like $12 a month. The association fee just pays someone to monitor the street and make sure your following the rules. THat cheap of fee usually is in a very lenient place. Just basically need to maintain grass height and no cars in the street for extended periods of time. Some of the more expensive ones may pay for a community pool for that small subdivision. others may be gated communities where they have a 24hour guard and you need a security passcode to open the gate. They even use the money to make sure the subdivisions roads are paved more frequently, plowed, cleaned, etc. Nice things about it are that your neighbor probably won't be allowed to paint his house menthol blue or bismolth pink. The values of homes in an association tend to rise faster and hold more value than outside of an association. There are many advantages and disadvantages to an association.