The News. FOX News Style.

[indolikaa]

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…lasting longer than 4 minutes, while rare, require immediate medical treatment. Ask your doctor if…

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…supports the reinstatement of the death penalty for those convicted of having overdue library books. Are we truly ready to hand the keys of death over to a cadre of obsessive compulsive librarians…

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Bill O'Reilly: You’re an idiot, Professor!

Professor Duplicity: Now wait just a minute, Bill. There is no scientific evidence to support your claim, and I will not sit here and argue with you.

Bill O'Reilly: But you’re arguing right now, Professor!

Professor Duplicity: No, I am not arguing with you.

We interrupt this programming to bring you a FOX News Alert. We go now to Brit Hume in Washington for this breaking story.

Brit Hume: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. FOX News has just received a report that Indolikaa Khan was spotted in public for the first time in several months. We go live to Ajo, Arizona for a live report with Geraldo Riveria. Geraldo?

Geraldo Riveria: (Looks off-camera) How the hell did I draw this assignment?

Brit Hume: Geraldo? Can you hear me?

Geraldo Riveria: (Still looking off-camear) We’re live? Why do we always go live five seconds before I’m ready? Does anyone give a damn about proper journalistic etiquette anymore?

Brit Hume: Geraldo?

Geraldo Riveria: Hello, Brit. We are here live in Ajo, Arizona following up on a recent spotting of Professor Khan and his merry band of Bipolar Lunatics. As you are aware, there have been reported sightings of the Esteemed One, and once again we have arrived to bring you the news of America’s favorite schizoid.

Brit Hume: You sound bitter, Geraldo.

Geraldo Riveria: Not at all, Brit. Nothing could please me more than being dragged out of bed at four in the morning and flown to the middle of nowhere Arizona in hopes of catching an interview with the man who made fornicating with vinyl animals a national pastime. I’m absolutely honored by this assignment.

Fred Barnes: Do I detect sarcasm in his voice, Brit?

Brit Hume: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Mort Kondrake: Or the last.

Brit Hume: Geraldo, all things aside, we haven’t heard from Dr. Khan in several months. Now we’ve heard rumors that he joined the world of law enforcement…

Geraldo Riveria: Excuse me, Brit? Did you say he’s now in law enforcement?

Brit Hume: That’s what our sources are telling us.

Geraldo Riveria: (Sets microphone down, turns away from the camera, and runs. Fast.)

Brit Hume: You don’t suppose he has a warrant, do you?

Fred Barnes: The concept of agency jurisdiction must be alien to him.

Mort Kondrake: Or the fact he’s forgotten how lazy Dr. Khan really is.

Brit Hume: Well ladies and gentleman, what better opportunity to introduce you to one of our finer cameramen than now. Mike, if you can hear me, why don’t you join us. I do hate talking to myself while transfixed by such lovely scenery.

Mike: (Bends over to pickup the microphone)

Fred Barnes: There’s something the kids don’t need to see.

Mort Kondrake: The Grand Canyon is in Arizona, Fred. And that is a pretty deep crack.

Mike: Hello Brit.

Brit Hume: Hello Mike. Would be so kind as to lead us forward?

Mike: I suppose I can do this. Um, as you know we are here in Ajo, Arizona, following up on reports that Dr. Khan was spotted in public again. Dr. Khan?

Indolikaa Khan: Yes.

Fred Barnes: You mean he was standing there the whole time?

Mort Kondrake: Can we say that four-letter F-word on television?

Brit Hume: Only if it’s spontaneous, Mort.

Mike: Dr. Khan, your absence from the Internet world has been the subject of many recent talk shows and a B-grade reality show on a free-to-air Australian satellite network that has a combined viewing audience of four…

Indolikaa Khan: I’d like to know the other three people who pacmania_2001 conned into watching television with him.

Mike: …LordSmurf, thecoalman and northcat_8. And I can assure nobody won the office pool on that one, Dr. Khan. Well, Alan Colmes correctly guessed the channel was being streamed through the backdoor of a rather large hosting service in China, so he collected half of the pot and we donated the other half to Geraldo’s legal defense fund.

Indolikaa Khan: Wow, the legal expertise you can buy with eight dollars.

Mike: It was nine dollars. Sean Hannity decided to be a smart-ass and slipped a $2 bill. But anyway, why did you decide to return to public life?

Indolikaa Khan: Well, I need some groceries, for starters.

Mike: But why Ajo, Dr. Khan? Of all the backwater places in Arizona to visit, you chose Ajo. Why this desolate cesspool of conservative values?

Indolikaa Khan: The name says it all, Mike.

(Silence. And all the smart crickets left a long time ago.)

Mike: I don’t get it, Dr. Khan. What does the name Ajo have to do with anything?

Indolikaa Khan: Well, it means ‘asshole’ in Spanish, and I am known as the ******* of videohelp.com. It seemed only natural.

Mike: Um, no sir. It means ‘garlic’ in Spanish.

Indolikaa Khan: Are you sure? It sounds a lot like *******.

Brit Hume: Excuse me, Mike. Dr. Khan, you work in the county of Navajo. It is my understanding that Ajo is in Pima county. That must be quite a commute.

Indolikaa Khan: Commute? Who said I lived here?

(Silence)

Indolikaa Khan: Why are you here, Mike?

Mike: It was a slow news day.

Indolikaa Khan: You hear this Brit? Honesty in a journalist. Call LordSmurf. There is still hope for the free world.

Brit Hume: You know, Dr. Khan. While you were away, the leadership promoted LordSmurf into a position of authority. What are your thoughts about this unexpected decision?

Indolikaa Khan: The voting was rigged. Given the choice between a bipolar schizoid like myself and a respected member of the videohelp.com community, the choice was obvious. Only a determined hack job would award such a prize to someone who actually exists in the community to help others.

Brit Hume: You are suggesting the voters were not heard, Dr. Khan?

Indolikaa Khan: The people love me, Brit. But in their hearts of hearts, they had sympathy for a grown man and his obsessive passion with a cartoon meant for a population under the age of five years.

Fred Barnes: I suppose this is worse than a grown man who has erections at the mere sight of nuclear weapons?

Indolikaa Khan: We all have our weaknesses, Fred. Mine is nothing more than a lust for the sheer power of fusion and the respect it demands from even the most hardened of delusional psychopaths. His is a fondness for a horde of blue midgets sharing their sexual desires with one female. Now if this was a community of blue midget females and I was the lone male…

Fred Barnes: (in unison with Mort) Word.

Indolikaa Khan: Straight up.

Brit Hume: A commercial can’t enter the scene fast enough.

Mike: You know, Brit? Something just occurred to me. Did you notice that there is only one female Smurf in the village?

Brit Hume: (Holds his head in his hands) Why me?

Mike: Man, I’ll bet she makes even my ex-wife look like a virgin.

Indolikaa Khan: (Turns around, a disturbance behind him) Is that Geraldo?

Mike: It sure is. I wonder why he’s… Oh shit.

(Running through the field of view, screaming at the top of his lungs, Geraldo Riveria curses the demon known as Indolikaa Khan on his way west towards a destination unknown.)

Fred Barnes: Are those sheep following him?

Indolikaa Khan: Get the flock out.

Brit Hume: Please. Commercial. Save me.

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…Serta Mattress is the only mattress…

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[jimmalenko]

Awesome.

[Shadowmistress]

Impressive... Word. 8)

[VCDHunter]

Nicely done, you nut. :P

[lordsmurf]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[flaninacupboard]

Whatever.


*Waits for his warning*

[Kunta Kinte]

*Yawn*

(Gets in line behind Flaninacupboard)

[yoda313]

Hello,

B-grade reality show on a free-to-air Australian satellite network that has a combined viewing audience of four…

Indolikaa Khan: I’d like to know the other three people who pacmania_2001 conned into watching television with him.

Mike: …LordSmurf, thecoalman and northcat_8.

got it saved as a divx for p2p????

Kevin

[Darth Paris]

I will be getting in line behind Kunta Kinte.