Look witnesses

[northcat_8]

Alright, look Jehova witnesses...while you may reserve the right to invade my privacy, and you can feel free to knock on my door when ever the urge hits you to recruit new members...you best ******* remember that not everyone is receptive to your meek and mild mannered techniques and some of us reserve the right to be a completely rude, disrespectful, mean and 100% *******...especially on my own ******* property.

Home sick from school today. At 10:50 am this morning 2 women come to my door...remember I live in the country...so they weren't walking...the 2 guys stayed in the van.

They knock on my door, I open the door and before either could say a word, I said "Damn, Kevin said he was going to send me a girl out this morning but 2 of you this is really a suprise, I hope he doesn't think I'm paying extra." They said "I think you are confused Sir, we are...." I interupt, "which one of you is the dominatrix?" Confused, the older one said "I'm afraid I don't know what that is." I said "so you guys didn't bring handcuffs, or leather restraints, or anything?" They stood there looking puzzled and I said "alright, come on it, but tell Kevin I'm not paying for S&M if it's just going to be threesome sex today." They just turned around and skampered back to their van, they were in the van a few seconds and the man got out and comes up to my door and told me he didn't appreciate what I said to the women...his wife and daughter ......I just told him that I didn't appreciate them trespassing on my property, invading my privacy and disrupting my day. If I wanted to be a witness then I would show up at their "church" and ask to join, but until then, you are disturbing me, you are trespassing and I would appreciate it if you would get the **** off my property.

They left.

Fuckers.

Knowing my luck, that will be the one correct religion and I'm going to get to the gates and St. Peter is going to ask my name, I'll say it and he will let out a chuckle...look at me and say "oh Northcat, yea, right...sorry you're fucked...good bye"

[hech54]

VERY funny.
They got me once with two CUTE late-teenaged girls. However if they turn out to be the chosen religion....you really are fucked..
I'm just as guilty really....I would have done either of the two that came to my door ANYTIME and the thoughts I had alone were worth a "oh Hech, yea, right...sorry you're fucked...good bye"

[smearbrick1]

I've perused the bible a few times, and never have I once seen a passage where a subscription to a magazine will get you into heaven. Besides, don't Jehovah's witnesses believe on 100,000 will be accepted. I mean, come on... If you are going to start a new branch off of an existing religion, and you want to make some real money... you have to at least make your followers think they have some chance of getting into heaven! Come on, 100,000? If you had 1,000,000 followers, what do you tell the 900,000 that aren't going to make it?

[JohnnyCNote]

Do a search of "Jehovah's Witness cult" and see what turns up...

[ViRaL1]

I've perused the bible a few times, and never have I once seen a passage where a subscription to a magazine will get you into heaven. Besides, don't Jehovah's witnesses believe on 100,000 will be accepted. I mean, come on... If you are going to start a new branch off of an existing religion, and you want to make some real money... you have to at least make your followers think they have some chance of getting into heaven! Come on, 100,000? If you had 1,000,000 followers, what do you tell the 900,000 that aren't going to make it?

'We have some lovely parting gifts for you?'

I think the number is supposed to be 144,000 (12,000 from each of the original 12 tribes of Israel.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm just not that motivated. There must be tens of millions of them already. Getting into that top percentile is a long shot, especially considering my life so far. Maybe if they were to increase the number it might be worth it. I can't help but wonder if they're on a point system.

1 point for every Watchtower handed out.

5 points if the person opens it up and looks interested rather than throwing it on the ground.

10 points if they actually read an entire article.

I used to kick ass at those magazine subscription drives when I was a kid, maybe I've got more of a shot than I thought. :P

[Capmaster]

Northcat,

That was the pair of girls I sent over. I paid them extra to act out the whole JW bit.

They called me and explained that your robe was hanging open, and they went blind.

The men in the van are getting counseling at this moment :P

Too bad, the daughter was in season ....

[Cobra]

I could do with you over at my house, northcat! I wonder what the first thing they thought of was...

Please be careful this thread doesn't get religious!

Cobra

[JohnnyCNote]

I once got cornered by a JW who had a terrible stutter, one of the worst I've ever heard. I didn't want to be rude and I appreciated how it took a lot of courage on his part to go out and talk to stranger with such a severe speech impediment. However, it took him probably 3 times as long to do his pitch, so he was out there forever while I was trying to rake the lawn. I could have appreciated his efforts without having to try to figure out what he was saying for nearly an hour....

[Dr. DOS]

Should have unleashed the dobermans when the men turned back toward the van.

[northcat_8]

I think it's safe to say this thread isn't going religious...

Sorry Cap, I invited them in but the open robe must have put them in shock...I was born with one leg...but walk on 2 flesh and "bone" legs ......it is really amazing control

I can tell you this, they are lucky I didn't hear them pull up...and our 4 noise makers were doing what they do best..taking a nap (waking up in the morning wears them out)...had I known or heard them pull up, I would have answered the door nude, except for my ear flapped huntin cap, holding a 12 guage and asked them "are you ******* my wife too?" the look on their faces is priceless...I'm going to have to install a camera by my door and post a pic sometime.

Actually Cap, the younger girl...probably 19-20 or so didn't look too bad. Mom was a little too old for me...but you know me... still but would have had to gotten the younger one as boot.

[ViRaL1]

Time to start a list of responses when they first show up at the door.

1) (holding up your hand) Yeah, that should fit. Did you bring any lube? I'm fresh out.

2) Before we start, I need to know when the last time was you were tested.

3) AH ah ah. Show me first. I SPECIFICALLY asked for D-cups and I don't think you're reaching the bar.

4) YES!!! There IS a god, get in here quick and strip. The Mrs will be home in less than an hour.

5) SHIT!!! When I said 'Anal is a MUST' I assumed they knew I wanted women. Whatever, you'll do. An ass is an ass.

6) I got tired of waiting and just spent the morning's load. Tell you what, I'll watch you two. The price is still the same, since it's not really your fault.

[northcat_8]

I bet your real popular Virali...especially on 4, 5 & 6...I'm going to have to steal those

[ViRaL1]

If you think that's funny, walk into your local Sears' hardware department with a wild look in your eyes. The first salesperson that walks up, in your best monotone say 'God told me to buy a chainsaw.'

The response I got was 'they're right...God??? Let me see if I can find someone to help you.'

My friends decided that it was time to leave before store security arrived.

[Guest]

You should have told him that they shouldnt be hookers if they cant take that kind of language

[indolikaa]

They leave me completely alone. My reputation is well-known out here.

I've used ideas and concepts similar to northcat_8 and ViRaL1. But my tried-and-true method always works wonders...

I hand them a Book of Mormon.

[pacmania_2001]

I hardly ever get bothered by them where I live but the last time it happened they sent some elderly woman so I had trouble being my normal arsehole to her.

Too bad I didn't live in the next suburb over, a girl I knew at school was a JW and she and her seven sisters weren't too bad at all.

[smearbrick1]

I feel kind of bad for them really. Imagine being that devoted to something to feel like you have peddle shit like The Watchtower just to get into heaven. If its only 144,000, odds are... it isn't going to be you. I dig the whole spreading the word thing, but can't they offer discount subscriptions to Maxim or FHM instead?

[thayne]

They usually leave before I get to the door when they hear Max bark and growl.

[tgpo]

My Dad likes to bring a Bible out with him and debate back and forth with them.

I simply open the door, tell them I'm not changing my beliefs and close the door.

[shoozleboy]

The township I live in requires a license or permit from the township in order to peddle door to door. We don't see a whole lot of them knocking on doors around here because of that. (I think there is a fee that they charge and most churches don't want to pay fees like that - they feel that they should be tax and fee exempt.... yet they make a killing on bingo nights and rummage sales and pay no tax)

I've only seen them twice at my door - once I didn't bother answering the door, and the other I asked the young man if he had a permit from the township for solicitation, and he just walked away.... I guess I could have been an ass and reported him into the police, but I didn't want to chance getting struck by lightning....

[Doramius]

If there was a religion I could get into, it would be Mormons. Damn hot women and any that aren't married are all virgins. Even if there are a few that aren't so pretty, IT'S A DAMN VIRGIN. I'll probably be damned for that statement alone and according to South Park and several other shows and people that have parodied or talked about them, it is probably the closest thing to the true religion out of all of them. I just don't see pedifile as something worthy of entering heaven. Sorry to some of you sick bastard catholic priest child molestors, but that's MHO.

[ViRaL1]

Would you be willing to put on 'Sacred Underwear?'

[JohnnyCNote]

I worked with a mormon a while back and all it amounted to was a t-shirt...

[smearbrick1]

I'm half-tempted to call the Mormons everytime they offer free gifts over the TV. What's the catch? Do you have to pledge money or sell your sould or something?

I want my free book of Mormon!!!!

[menes777]

...threesome sex today. ... wife and daughter ....

I know when I was stationed in Germany that was the holy grail of threesomes (at least where I was at), was to get mother and daughter at the same time! :P

[smearbrick1]

"I know when I was stationed in Germany that was the holy grail of threesomes (at least where I was at), was to get mother and daughter at the same time!"

I think that's the Holy Grail anywhere.

[BobV]

I had witnesses at the door this last week end, but so were my two shar-pei.

[northcat_8]

I had witnesses at the door this last week end, but so were my two shar-pei.

Those were the days. I use to have a doberman and a Rotweiller...they were very effective at witness, salesman, girlscout, neighbor kids, mother in law patrol, especially when I would let them out and watch them try to scurry back to the car in time. But those 2 dogs are passed on now, and all we have now are 4 noise makers...um...<looks around the room>....let me rephrase that....all we have now is 1 doorstop, and 3 couch holder-downers our biggest dog is a cocker spaniel (she's the doorstop )

[Doramius]

Would you be willing to put on 'Sacred Underwear?'

As long as it doesn't chaffe.

[tompika]

Another way to punish these money making cults is to make fun of them.

Some funny videos here:

http://www.xenutv.com/us/mtvawards.htm


http://www.xenutv.com/us/ucb.htm