VideoHelp Forum




+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 13 of 13
  1. <CLICK>

    ...erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, indicate a serious medical emergency. Talk to your doctor and see if popsicle sticks and duct tape are right for you. Then ask about Cialis...

    <CLICK>

    ...that the Democratic party encourages and protects the average citizen's legal right to molest dead horse carcasses in the State of Nevada. Is this a trend we're seeing from the 'Progressive' element of the Democrats? Are we to assume that next week John Kerry will be on television demanding that all Americans have the right to marry transsexual baboons? What say you, Mr. Kennedy?

    Bill, I think...

    Taped Message: We interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming to bring you a FOX News Channel Special Report.

    Alan Colmes: Good evening ladies and gentleman I'm Alan Colmes. Tonight, we are receiving word that the videohelp.com community is celebrating the rarest of milestones. Indolikaa Khan has just surpassed the 5,000-post count, and there is chaos and anarchy as a result. We take you now to Moscow, Russia for live report from Major Garrett. Major, can you hear me?

    Major Garrett: (Ducks to avoid explosion behind him...) That was close. Alan, we are here outside the Kremlin during what is officially being described as an 'unforeseen political challenge' to President Vladimir Putin's reign. I think it would be safer to call this a cout d'etat, Alan. The Red Army, after suffering from underfunding and poor accountability under the democratic revolution, finally reached their breaking point this evening. We are being told that the last straw was reached when the usual ration of poorly-choreographed pornography was delivered to the General Staff on Princo DVD-R discs.

    (Camera stabilizes after a howitzer round slams into the Armoury building...)

    Major Garrett: Sorry about that, folks. That one was too close.

    Alan Colmes: Major, we understand that this rebellion has not been contained to Moscow. What have you heard on your end of the line?

    Major Garrett: The rebellion has been spreading all evening, Alan. A few minutes ago our liasion from the Ministry of Disinformation informed us that our correspondents in Novosibirsk were under a protective order of house arrest after similar Princo discs were found in their possession. What is even more upsetting was the fact that those discs were blank, leading the Ministry to believe that there might be a consumer demand for blank discs in the place of poorly-acted porn.

    Sean Hannity: Go figure...

    Alan Colmes: Thank you Major. We'll go back to you in a moment, but for now we're going to Ripper2860, one of our FOX News correspondents from Dallas. Ripper2860, are you there?

    Ripper2860: Speaking.

    Alan Colmes: Ripper, what kind of... Ripper, is that electrical tape covering your eyes?

    Ripper2860: Nothing to be bothered by, Alan. I was in the middle of filming a documentary when I got word of this most marvelous news story.

    Sean Hannity: Marvelous enough that your forgot to put clothes on before leaving the studio.

    Ripper2860: Well, yes. But like I said, this news story demanded immediate attention.

    Alan Colmes: Well I suppose... Ripper, what is the reaction to this milestone in the Dallas area?

    Ripper2860: Alan, they're building a statue of Dr. Khan between the statues we already have of George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush. And it's a good five feet taller than the existing ones. Does that answer your question?

    Sean Hannity: Ripper, Sean Hannity here. You know, it's about time. Few men have made such great contributions to the free world as Dr. Khan. Do you see any political future for him at this point?

    Ripper2860: Absolutely. Dr. Khan is the only registered Independent in the United States who could possibly supplant the Bush Dynasty in the White House. He has all the characteristics that Good Men look for in a leader: honor, dignity, whimsical prose, a devious hate and discontentmen for those of the French-Canadian heritage, no fear of things nuclear, and one bad-ass set of cojones. What else would you need in a world leader?

    Alan Colmes: Humility?

    Ripper2860: An overrated quality, Alan. And besides, his post count is far greater than John Kerry or Hillary Clinton. That means his penis is bigger, and although it might be a close measurement between him and Hillary, the fact of the matter is men always think with their dicks. And we all know bigger means better, don't we Alan.

    Sean Hannity: Word.

    Alan Colmes: I can't believe you're suggesting the will of the free world might rest on the size of a man's penis.

    Ripper2860: Oh get off your Progressive soapbox, Alan. We put up with eight years of an intern-pimping cigar afficionado who didn't have the balls to tell the truth. We've already set our standards well below those of most other civilized countries, why worry about standards now?

    Sean Hannity: Depends on who his running mate is.

    Ripper2860: The Allegiance of Post-Whoring Excellence Stumping to Have Indolikaa Tapped has recommended that Capmaster run as the Vice President for the Shag Party ticket in 2008. APESHIT has begun a massive campaign drive to ensure that our voices are finally represented at the highest levels of the United States government. We've been ignored for far too long. We demand reform! We demand government-subsidized Taiyo Yuden media for all! We demand that the use of CMC media be criminalized! Viva la APESHIT!

    Alan Colmes: Un-*******-believable...

    Sean Hannity: You can't say that on television, Alan.

    Geraldo Rivera: You sure as hell can't, Sean.

    Sean Hannity: And with that, we now go to Geraldo Rivera live from Sweden for a Scandinavian perspective on this monumental occasion. Geraldo?

    Geraldo Rivera: Sean, I'm standing here in downtown... Did I just hear someone say Capmaster should be our next Vice President?

    Alan Colmes: That you did, Geraldo.

    Geraldo Rivera: So we're talking about legalizing sex between man and vinyl. You know Alan, I'm standing here in downtown Oslo, waiting to speak with Baldrick the Svede about this milestone occasion, and the thought just occured to me. People might actually vote for those two clowns. A LOT of people might vote for those two clowns!

    Sean Hannity: APESHIT seems to think this is a good thing, Geraldo.

    Geraldo Rivera: Excuse me, excuse me, sir. I'm Geraldo Rivera with FOX News Channel. What is your name.

    Random Guy: Sven.

    Geraldo Rivera: Sven, I would like to ask you a question. We are live via satellite with our studios in New York City. The world has been rocked by yet another burnable DVD scandal that threatens to topple the only democratic government Russia has ever seen, and we are standing here discussing with our studio the possibility that a man named Indolikaa Khan might be the next President of the United States...

    Random Guy: George Bush will be the next President.

    Geraldo Rivera: That's not the... Wait a minute, did you just suggest that George Bush is going to get re-elected?!

    Random Guy: It won't be Indolikaa Khan. The deadline for Americans to file candidacy papers with the Federal Election Commission has already passed. That, and the fact that Dr. Khan is only 32 years of age means he cannot run for President at this time. The Constitution of the United States requires that presidential candidates be at least 35 years of age when taking the oath of office.

    Geraldo Rivera: How did you know this?

    Random Guy: We teach US history to our schoolchildren here in Sweden.

    Geraldo Rivera: We do, too...

    Random Guy: Obviously not, otherwise, you would have correctly stated that Indolikaa Khan would not be the next President of the United States, but rather would be running for the office in 2008, along with, did I hear your right in saying Capmaster would be running for Vice President?

    Geraldo Rivera: (Silence)

    Sean Hannity: Geraldo, could you put Sven on the monitor for us here in New York?

    (Cameraman hands Random Guy a monitor line...)

    Sean Hannity: Sven, how is you know so much about Indolikaa Khan? Is his reputation so vast that it has become known even to the common man? He's a simple man, content to live a simple life of post-whoring. He writes, he laughs, he sometimes causes contention.

    Random Guy: I know more about the man than any man should know. A day doesn't go by that I don't hear about his foolish musing about the world around him, or his passionate distaste for all things French-Canadian, or his 'comical' love for the 'Indolikaa Specials' that give decent men like me fits of anger. He wasn't the apple that fell from the tree, he was the apple that got sprayed with DDT and poisoned by a herpes-infested worm before it fell from the tree into a puddle of raw sewage and somehow made it to the breakfast table of some innocent family.

    Sean Hannity: Sounds like Bill Clinton’s story…

    Geraldo Rivera: Sven, those are strong words to be uttered in the name of a man many of us Americans look up to. What on Earth did he ever do to you to cause you so much grief?

    Random Guy: He showed up at my front doorstep two years ago. My life hasn't been the same since. I was once a good man, working on a decent and proud work. A charity to mankind's imagination and his desire to be free form the restraints of those who hunger for power. My efforts have been reduced to a vomituous mass of decadence, promiscuity and outright degredation by a small group who has fallen under the influence of this very dangerous man.

    Alan Colmes: That sounds a lot like the Off-Topic forum at videohelp.com...

    Sean Hannity: Sven, you speak of these efforts regarding a decent and proud work that has been forever poisoned by Dr. Khan. I don't know if you are aware of this, but Dr. Khan has published freely thousands of works under his personal copyright, many of which have been passed around the Internet to a literal mass of millions. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure you are in a position to judge the man.

    Random Guy: I'm as good a judge of his character as anyone else in this world.

    Alan Colmes: Sven, I don't particularly care for the man's techniques. I find them shallow, primitive and not the responsible kind of conduct we should be looking for in a Presidential candidate. I mean, even the thought of him controlling the Executive Office of this government sends a chill down my spine.

    (Random Guy is lost in deep thought, pondering words that have just been spoken...)

    Random Guy: He is a suitable candidate for your backward country. His vinyl infidelity can be ignored, as he will most certainly have the backbone to admit his shortcomings. I believe I could learn to tolerate his presence in the White House. He could learn to see things from a... Swedish perspective. Yes, yes, he might be the wrong example for your own country, but I believe he would represent the rest of the world well in such a position.

    Geraldo Rivera: You're willing to put an ******* in the White House so long as it furthers your own domestic agenda?

    Random Guy: The Soviets put Lyndon Johnson into power, and nobody much complained. Did they not teach you that in US history either, Mr. Rivera?

    Sean Hannity: Ouch...

    Alan Colmes: Sven, what you're telling us is that even though you do not necessarily agree with the idealogy of Indolikaa Khan, you would still be willing to consider him as a viable candidate?

    Random Guy: I have done the same before, why would I not do the same thing now?

    Sean Hannity: Excuse me, Alan. Sven, how is it that you know Dr. Khan, and would be in a position to judge him in this manner? You just told us the man you would support as President of the United States is nothing more than a herpes-infested apple that fell into a pile of raw sewage.

    Gerlado Rivera: Puddle, Sean. The apple fell into a puddle of raw sewage, not a pile of raw sewage.

    Sean Hannity: Liquid shit, solid shit, who gives a shit! I just want to know how some nobody-Svede walking down an Oslo street feels he is in a position to judge the presidential abilities of an American?!

    Random Guy: I own videohelp.com.

    Geraldo Rivera: Well **** me...

    Random Guy: You can't say that on American television, Geraldo.

    Alan Colmes: Another proud moment in FCC history brought to you by FOX News Channel. We now go Albuquerque, New Mexico... We're not...

    Sean Hannity: We are, Alan. Capmaster, can you hear me?

    Mrs. Capmaster: Hello Sean. This is the lovely missus!

    Sean Hannity: Mrs. C. Good to have you with us. Do I dare ask why you are filling in for Capmaster at this time?

    Mrs. Capmaster: Certainly, Sean. Let me just take you into our living room. As you can see, if you look up where our 19th century Victorian ceiling fan once was, you can see daylight shining through the roof and down through the second floor onto us today. We had a happy little accident here this morning...

    Alan Colmes: Is that an air compressor hose on the ground?

    Mrs. Capmaster: It sure it, Alan. Seems that Capmaster got a little too frisky this morning and set his beloved air compressor for 235 psi instead of 2.35psi. We just received word from the NASA tracking station in Yarra Yarra, Australia that both Capmaster and Dolly were both found to have achieved a relatively stable orbit and are doing just fine.

    Sean Hannity: Mrs. C, aren't you just a little bit concerned about your husband being stuck in near-Earth orbit with no life support?

    Alan Colmes: Life support?! Who cares about life support! Mrs. C, your husband is having an extramarital affair with a blow-up doll. A sheep, no less! Do you find this even the slightest bit disturbing?

    Mrs. Capmaster: Oh not at all, Alan. It's just one of those things you learn to accept when you marry a nuclear weapons scientist. Those stray neutrons can really cloud your mental judgement sometimes, but I'm OK with it. Sometimes Dolly has all the fun, but not always!

    Sean Hannity: I wonder how he breathes up there…

    Mrs. Capmaster: Oh that’s easy, Sean. Remember that Dolly was overinflated this morning! He just sucks on her for awhile and gets his oxygenated air and the pressure to combat the vacuum of space, all in one convenient suckling!

    Alan Colmes: Commercial? Please?

    Sean Hannity: Stick around folks, we’ll be back with continuing coverage of our FOX News Channel special: Indolikaa at 5000…
    Quote Quote  
  2. Member northcat_8's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Chit, IDK I'm following you
    Search Comp PM


    Always amazed at your wordsmanship Indo.

    Quote Quote  
  3. Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    The State of Frustration
    Search Comp PM
    Ran out of decaffeinated, Doctor? Good idea, started out very well, but got to be a little long. Some good zingers, though.
    Hello.
    Quote Quote  
  4. Master of Time & Space Capmaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Denver, CO United States
    Search Comp PM
    It moved me ...it fascinated me. I laughed ..I cried. Three thumbs-ups

    I can't wait for part 2

    (Except ....Oslo is in Norway )
    Quote Quote  
  5. Video Restorer lordsmurf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    dFAQ.us/lordsmurf
    Search Comp PM
    That was quite entertaining.
    Want my help? Ask here! (not via PM!)
    FAQs: Best Blank DiscsBest TBCsBest VCRs for captureRestore VHS
    Quote Quote  
  6. Originally Posted by Capmaster
    (Except ....Oslo is in Norway )

    Yes. But Geraldo doesn't know that...

    (Hint, Geraldo's not quite done interviewing Baldrick yet...)
    Quote Quote  
  7. Indo --

    Another post destined to become a classic.

    I had no idea there was another Fox report and that I was part of it, until you PM'ed me and said I was in it. After checking the forum, I couldn't believe my eyes -- at least not while I still had electrical tape covering them!! I immediately ripped the tape off (wonder why my Avatar has no eyebrows?) and nearly swooned due the excitement and pain. Good thing the Cialis hadn't kicked in yet or I would have had a coronary !!

    Quote Quote  
  8. Just remember Ripper. Be sure to ask your doctor if popsicle sticks and duct tape are right for you. Then ask him about Cialis.

    And a black permanent marker as well...

    Quote Quote  
  9. Mod Neophyte redwudz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    USA
    Search Comp PM
    Great stuff! Keep it up!
    Quote Quote  
  10. Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    beautiful
    Search Comp PM
    hahahahahahaha :>
    Indo, dude... it was awesome
    Quote Quote  
  11. Member ViRaL1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Making the Rounds
    Search Comp PM
    Congrats!!!

    On If you HAD to take a drug for ED, would you really give a shit if your erection lasted for 4 hours?

    Or would you just tell her...'Ride it out baby!!!'

    EDIT - Should be 'On a side note.'

    I got sidetracked.
    Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore.
    Quote Quote  
  12. Член BJ_M's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Canada
    Search Comp PM
    good god (pick one)
    "Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." - Rene Descartes (1596-1650)
    Quote Quote  



Similar Threads

Visit our sponsor! Try DVDFab and backup Blu-rays!