The 2004 Iowa Caucuses

[indolikaa]

Brit Hume: FOX News is ready to make a call in the 2004 Iowa Caucuses.

DVD+R is the superior format. With nearly 75% of all precincts reporting, FOX News is predicting DVD+R has taken 52% of the vote tonight, with DVD-R trailing at 43%. The Joint Committee for Rewritable/Re-Recordable Formats, the coalition between DVD+RW and DVD-RW, appears to have only received 5% of the vote and, with such a dismal showing, it's only a matter to time before they concede.

We have in our studio this evening Greta van Susteren, host of the FOX News Channel show On The Record. Greta, we've talked at length tonight about the Iowa Caucus and it's impact on the average consumer. But you argue that this process has no meaning to the average consumer.

Greta van Susteren: That's correct, Brit.

Brit Hume: Why is that?

Greta van Susteren: Well it's real simple, Brit. The average consumer doesn't know their ass from a hole in their head. There's only two factors likely to drive a consumer's purchase: price, and the pretty colors on the box. Outside of those two factors, you just don't find enough people who understand the technology and how to practically apply it. So whoever can provide the lowest price with the prettiest box has a huge advantage over the trivial technical standards forced onto today's consumer.

Brit Hume: So you're suggesting that the voter today is driven by emotion rather than logic?

Greta van Susteren: Exactly. Quality and technology are no longer synonymous with each other. You have people who will argue at great lengths that the time spent coastering Princo media is still worth the pennies they saved on Ritek discs. These same people will buy bare-bones DVD burners from no-name Internet storefronts and then spend hours on KaZaa looking for software to suit their needs. If they had just spent the extra money on quality media and the right tools for the job in the first place, the world would be a much nicer place, and DVD-R would have died two years ago.

Brit Hume: And although two years too late for many people, this election may nevertheless finally spell doom for the DVD Forum's approach to recordable DVDs. As we mentioned at the beginning of this segment, FOX News Channel is prepared to declare DVD+R the format of choice for the next four years. Some of the statistics we have compiled through our exit polls are fascinating, just not what you would expect after the last three weeks of rhetoric. We all thought that release of the new 8X DVD-R specifications would seal the deal for the DVD Forum. Well, it didn't, and the outcome is nothing like what any of us expected. Joining us now is the host of FOX Report, Shepard Smith.

Shepard Smith: Thanks Brit! Let's take a look at the following numbers and see just how the residents of Iowa have sized up the candidates.

* Almost 35% of those voters who claim to own a homemade thermonuclear device give the thumbs-up to DVD+R. And furthermore, a full 80% of those voters who claim to know someone who owns a homemade thermonuclear device supported the DVD+R format as well.

* Of those people who are actually British citizens and have no legal claim to vote in this election cycle, 41% said they believe DVD-R would had remained the dominant format had flaystus not changed his avatar. The loss of their puppet friend showed a shaky allegiance to all things tried and true, and it was enough for them to jump ship and fall into the waiting arms of the RW Alliance.

* Almost 16% of voters said the number one reason behind their decision to support DVD+R was the fact that Will Hay doesn't use it. Now we've never been able to conclusively confirm this, but a recent rash of cryptic comments at various bargain media warehouse sites on the Internet seem to confirm this. Again, FOX News cannot conclusively link Will Hay to the mindless musings on these sites, but we're pretty sure it's him. I'd also like to point out we called Florida for George Bush first.

* No surprise regarding the Arizona issue, either. As was widely reported last month in the latest issue of Big'Ums Magazine, Indolikaa admitted that he regularly burns episodes of Absolutely Fabulous to DVD-R media. A whopping 92% of voters said their decision to support the DVD+R format was due, in part, to their belief that Indolikaa is completely fucked in the head and couldn't lead of pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat in a butcher's shop. That, said some voters, is just not the kind of mentality you want to equate yourself with.

* Now there were some numbers that we didn't expect to see until you look a little deeper. Among 35-49-aged single urban males, only 8% supported the DVD+R format. This might register as some surprise to the casual observer, but the reasons are much more obvious once you consider this demographic group. Traditionally, this group is first to adopt the latest and greatest technology, and when you consider that DVD-R was first out of the gates, you better understand why this group shunned the better of the two technologies. I would like to add that this demographic group also supported Beta in '84, DAT in '88 and DCC in '92, and we all know where those candidates ended up, don't we?

* There were some results we still don't have a firm grasp on. Almost 8,000 ballots did not register a vote properly because they were dimpled rather than punched. The resulting chads are not conclusive enough to determine voter intent, as they all had multiple punches for multiple candidates. We have repeatedly asked for comments from the ballot manufacturer, but Fisher Price has refused to return our calls. FOX News election correspondents are considering the possibility that this was a protest vote, as CED VideoDisk did not make the ballot in Iowa.

* In another interesting statistic, we are estimating nearly 4% of ballots cast were for a write-in candidate: CD-R. Now we first thought this was the group led by txpharaoh, who has long proclaimed that VCD isn't such a bad thing, and why are we always in a rush to outdate perfectly good technology. But after talking with some voters, we now think this is, in fact, a protest vote by the moderators at dvdrhelp.com. CD, it would appear, has only two syllables, where DVD has three syllables. An important distinction for this demographic group.

* Gender demographics were absolutely no surprise. 99% of married women voted for DVD+R, while only 3% of married men came to the same conclusion. It's a well-known fact that wives know everything, so this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. What I'd like to know is what's gonna happen to the 97% of married men who still don't have a clue.

* The DVD+RW and DVD-RW formats didn't fare particularly well, but their supporters still came out in force. Collectively, the rewritable formats only gathered 5% of the total vote, but as their supporters will tell you, there's no better substitute for shit media than shit media that can be erased.

* One more observation, Brit. So far, the Iowa Secretary of State's office has reported that only about a third of all eligible voters in Iowa actually went to the polls today. Then again, since 75% of DVD burner owners in Iowa own dual-format units, I wanna know about those 9% who still felt the need to vote for a format that coexists happily in their lives.

Brit Hume: Thanks, Shepherd. Here to give us some of the more interesting thoughts of the voters is Alan Colmes, the Left Wing of Hannity and Colmes. Good Evening, Alan.

Alan Colmes: Good Evening, Brit. After interviewing the thirty-five Iowans who voted in this caucus and will publically admit to supporting Dennis Kucinich, some remarkable discoveries have been made. And while these are only the thoughts of thirty-five fine examples of American political ideaology, I think they speak volumes for the attitudes of all Iowans, and Americans in general.

* 9% firmly believe tgpo is a girl,
* 2% think Baldrick is actually King Harald V of Norway,
* 13% think Swingline staplers suck,
* 74% think LordSmurf knows his shit,
* 24% think LordSmurf is the shit,
* 2% think LordSmurf is really Smurfette,
* 57% suspect galactica is a closet Windows users,
* 10% think housepig is less beefy than advertised,
* 67% can't understand Gurm's position on media,
* 68% can't understand defense's position, either,
* 14% can't find jeex's name in Mom's address book,

And the statistic that stands out in this survey has to be this, Brit. All thirty-five of these people are categorically against the war in Iraq, but not a single one of them could find Iraq on a map. Incidentally Brit, these same people also burn with DVD-Rs.

Brit Hume: Thank you Alan, as always. We have to take a break but when we return, Howard Dean and Sean Hannity discuss the issues that concern voters the most in the New Hampshire primary: burning software. Stay tuned, this is FOX News Channel. Fair and Balanced News.

[BJ_M]

no political stuff here (give him a card please)


well done ....

[indolikaa]

So, would the yellow card be issued for the subtle political undertones or the promotion of FOX News Channel? Or do I get two, since both are equally repulsive by dvdrhelp.com standards? :P :P :P

Tune in Thursday night for fair and balanced analysis of the New Hampshire primary with live commentary from Indolikaa's Ranch.