Opinions wanted

[Nelson37]

OK, so you have a 16-year-old step-daughter who just got her license. Should she refrain from using her cell-phone while driving?

How strongly would you insist on this?

What would be your response if you are told this is unreasonable, with lots of bells and whistles thrown in?

You own the car and the insurance is in your name. What would YOU do?



And there's more. Same child at 16 has a date with a young man identified as being aged 17 years, 10 months. Your thoughts?

Young man comes to the door, and appears to be just about exactly one year older than advertised, for very good reason as it turns out. Your thoughts at this point? If you're wondering, it's not illegal anymore.

He's wearing a leather jacket, earring, light beard and is generally scruffy-looking. He's also driving a custom van, the kind that often has a bed in the back.

Thoughts at this point?

What if you had been previously told this is none of your business and you are not to involve yourself in any way?

Now, I had been upset with the mother for not forseeing exactly what would happen. Is it reasonable to assume that this sort of meaningless first sexual encounter was actually her goal for her daughter, and that this would be somehow beneficial to the child? Did I mention she was "inexperienced" at the time and had just gone on the pill?

[lordsmurf]

I assume that first one is rhetorical. Make her watch all those awful videos. There was a good one on Youtube some months ago, kids killed because of txt'ing while driving.

Yes phone = no car. No phone = yes car. Easy.

My response? "Tough shit, sunshine."

"Hey there buddy, let me see your driver's license real quick." Go scan it, print it. Make him sign it. Scare the shit out of him.

What's that? He's 22? Uh-oh. I wonder what the mom thinks on this one. Not too happy, I bet.

"Hey, I think Elton John has an earring like that. He's gay, you know." -- maybe follow it up with --
"So did you lose a bet, or did you fall ear-first on a needle?"

A mixture of fear + pissing the kid off works well.

It's always your business. Until the 16-year-old is at least 25, on her own money, everything she does will in some way be your business. Even if you don't want it to, you're both stuck with that status quo for another decade.

Mom set up this "date" -- wtf? Beneficial?

[Nelson37]

Nope, not rhetorical. I was called all sorts of nasty names for refusing to allow this. By 18, the child had totalled one car, destroyed another by not keeping an eye on the Temp guage as she was warned to do, and another time needed a wrecker to tow her out of a ditch.

Second one, not sure if Mom set up the date, but she knew all about it, though possibly not the actual age. I just could not believe she could not predict the outcome and was examining other possibilities.

Just so you know, refusing to allow these things and verbally objecting was deemed to be Domestic Violence and cost me about $1500.00 for "counseling", wherein they told me I was right to object but offered absolutely no acceptable way to act upon this objection. In fact, they clearly stated that there was no acceptable way to act upon this, or any other, objection. Their advice was to literally leave in the middle of the night.

This same woman now has custody of my son and I am deeply concerned. He has already been seriously injured due to her negligence as she allows him to play with a son of one of her friends (female), who has serious emotional problems and I consider dangerous. Two other parents of my son's playmates will not allow this child into their home. But he kicks my kid into a wall and either bruised or cracked his ribs on both sides, and I can't do a damn thing about it.

Just for giggles, I am told there is pretty much nothing whatsoever I can do to change custody or protect my child unless she either dies or becomes a full-blown crack whore.

Just looking for any sane comments, opinions, or advice. I was just told she is taking him out of town for Christmas and I won't see him at all Christmas Eve or Day, which we have usually split. Screaming and kicking the walls hasn't done any good, so I thought I'd try this.

[lordsmurf]

Yikes.

[zzyzzx]

I'm adding your stories to my long list of reasons not to have kids.

[guns1inger]

Over here it is illegal to use cell phone while driving unless it is connected to a hands-free kit. Fairly solid research has shown that driving while using a cell phone is about the same as driving while drunk. Even using a hands free kit impairs response time and concentration compared to not talking on the phone at all.

[gadgetguy]

From my observation of the family court systems, the only way a man can obtain any rights in the custody of his child is to have a sex change operation.

[freebird73717]

Man you have got a raw @#$*ing deal. Unfortunately our social service system usually always sides with the mothers.... even when the children would be better off with the father.

I've really have no good advice I can give you... but at the risk of offending anyone and possibly getting a yellow strike I will tell you I am going to lift you and your family up in prayer.

[Nelson37]

Well, my son raised hell and I was offered the usual 3-4 hours on Christmas day. I decided to go for broke and pointed out the wording in the divorce decree, and standard practice, was to alternate major holidays each year, also Thursday was my regular day anyway. He stayed Xmas eve and morning, my first major holiday in three years.
About the same time, my brother got to actually speak to his daughter on the phone. He hasn't seen her in over three months. She is only allowed to text him.

I will credit this mainly on my son's insistence on what was right and fair, but am open to other forces having an effect on the outcome. Lift away, bird, lift away.

Somebody mentioned not wanting to have kids, if you don't have them I can't explain it to you but I would gladly go through it all again for his sake. I'd carry a personal recorder and have cameras installed, but I'd do it again.

Just got a phone call where I was bitched at for preventing her from seeing her family over christmas, and given about 12 hours notice that I would have no visitation at all this week. I got six more years of this crap.

I'd like to tell you that I've left out the best parts, but it's hard to decide what those are.

Like her ex, prince of a fellow, who has his name on a state website and can't live within 500 feet of a school. When I copied this to a poster for my front door, with a bulls-eye over his face and language that he was specifically denied entry into my home, she actually complained to the police that I had "altered" the photo.

And even though he had not seen his daughter in two years, I was not to do anything to interfere with their relationship.

Or how, four days before my first court hearing on Domestic Violence, about 400 pounds of cast iron falls thru a ceiling at her work and she comes to court with 160 stitches in her head. They convinced her not to file a Workmen's Comp claim.

Or how I spent about an hour arguing about whether items removed from a filing cabinet without my permission were "Papers" or "Documents". They agreed that "papers" had in fact been illegally taken but would not admit to stealing "documents". I am at a loss as to how to deal with that level of stupidity.

Or how I QUOTED the state self-defence law and she claimed I threatened to kill her ex. What I said was, "if he kicks in my front door, AGAIN, and threatens me in my own living room, AGAIN, I will blow his head off". Multiple expletives deleted. State law authorizes lethal force upon a "forcible and illegal" entry, no threat required.

Upon hearing a new man's story during counciling, I asked if it was Possible that this man had done nothing wrong, and the immediate answer was NO. I questioned the ethics of an organization doing an "evaluation" which determined whether or not they would be paid $1500.00. I was told there was no bias as EVERYONE sent for evaluation got the full course, no exceptions. They went so far as to say that the judge was using the wrong word when he wrote "evaluation". This from the head office in the state capitol.

You can't win, you can't break even, nobody follows the rules, the man is automatically guilty. FRUSTRATING just does not cover it. Venting occassionally helps somewhat. Target shooting is good, too.

[gadgetguy]

Ethics? Since when did anything related to the family court system have anything to do with ethics? or fairness? or justice? All men are evil and all women are saints. Any court ordered evaluation is to determine if they can squeeze any more money out of the man, regardless of it's stated purpose. The man is a paycheck, nothing more. It is considered unreasonable for the courts to allow the man to have a roof over his head and food in his belly. If he can afford those things, then he's not paying enough support money.

Fortunately, I haven't had to go through it myself, but this is my evaluation after watching what happened to my brothers-in-law and friends who have had to deal with the family court system.

[Nelson37]

The money aspect is a large and irritating factor, but it goes much, much deeper than that. You are denied reasonable input into major decisions effecting your child's life, and forced to accept absurd actions to such an extent that you can come to question your own sanity.

Sitting on my table right now is a folding hunting knife with a 4 inch blade, that my ex authorized my 12-year-old son to carry. I took it away from him, and am sitting here thinking that I do not really have the legal authority to do so. I'm even wondering if my visitations will be reduced by some social worker for taking this action. Perhaps more counciling?

Then I think that if somebody else's kid came to my home with such a knife, I would take it away and call the parents. Of course, when a friend of stepdaughter's was drunk, vomiting profusely and nearly comatose in my home and I informed the parents, I was told by the councilor that I was wrong for doing so. I told him I wanted his home address so that my child would never be allowed to go there.

Makes you want to sit back in a chair, roll some steel balls in your hand and start babbling about strawberries and a missing key.

[gadgetguy]

The paycheck description still applies. No rights, no say, just pay and shut-up.

[Xylob the Destroyer]

OK, so you have a 16-year-old step-daughter who just got her license. Should she refrain from using her cell-phone while driving?

Tough shit - that is the law now where I live. No driver under 18 may use a cell phone when driving - no texting, no talking, NO HANDS FREE even.
Hang up and drive.

[Supreme2k]

Having MUCH experience with the "step" subject, I thought I'd chime in, especially since this isn't another "I can't copy *latest release*!" or "How do I transfer from VHS/8-track/cuniform to DVD" that ******* bored me to death for the last, um, quite a while.

There has to be quite a bit that you're not saying. I know of no state where not allowing someone (outside of law enforcement, et al.) to use your car is considered in any way, shape or form "Domestic Violence". Without being there, I would have to say that your "objections" were probably very aggressive.

My friend had a problem with his step- and a car. He took an alternate (and less forward) route of parking it in my garage a few nights of the week (I was a few blocks over). The kid would scream and pitch a fit because mom would hand over the keys easily enough, but without a car to put them in...

Since the child is not yours, you can (or could have?) actually put a limited restraining order on her, especially if the car is in your name only.

What it came down to with me was **** Them. I spent years trying to get on this kid's good side, but at the end of any day, it came down to me being "NOT MY DAD!!!" Unless you start out with a really young step kid and the dad stays out of the picture for the most part, that's all you will ever be. I got mine at 11, and it's been nothing but stank face from her since then. Fortunately, her mom isn't blind to her complete dickery to me, so she understands that I tried. She and I both pretty much knew it would be rough going in, but I'm a problem solver who had his head in the clouds at the time. Since she's an adult now, my wife will actually go at her when she gets really bad. "What the hell's your problem?! He's treated you with nothing but love and respect, and all you can do is treat him like shit! I know (your dad) wouldn't be to happy with this crap!" (to his credit, he wouldn't. He's actually a pretty cool guy).

Also, the thing about her dating: Who cares? I'm not sure what the age of consent is where you live, but regardless, she's hardly a child. She's not really even related to you, so let her real family deal with her pooner (if they even want to get involved). Seriously, kid's are going to ****, and you're not going to stop it. Just be glad that she waited that long and doesn't already have a few kids.

Your problems are many. You have it coming (previous wife) and going (current wife). I wish you luck, but it doesn't seem like you checked out the entire package before the purchase. Seems like many items were damaged by the previous owner.

[Nelson37]

Actually, I worked with this woman for three years before we began dating. I know people who refer to her as "Mary Poppins". Didn't find out about her ex being a child molester until after we got married. The marriage was a bit rushed, my son was born about 8 months later.

Don't suppose you heard about the Bobby Noonan shooting, ex-hubby shot his former wife in a day care center in front of a bunch of kids. Happened about three blocks from my house, roughly a month before my wife left. Made the national news. Courts were a bit harsh for a while after that.

I was not actually convicted of Domestic Violence, but sent to a private social work organization for "evaluation". Should have refused that and demanded a trial. The private firm considered every case sent for evaluation to be guilty, without exception. They actually stated that the judge was using the wrong word, "evaluation".

Attempting to withold the car was considered by them to be undue Economic "power and control" (they were real big on this phrase). What really bugged me was that they agreed with me on every single issue that she and I had, but had absolutely no practical method to avoid the problem. Other than to simply leave.

Everything was to be "negotiated". Did that, had agreement that the car would be back by 9:00 on weekdays. The last day of my marriage, she asked for the keys at 8:59, wife handed them over. "WTF are you doing, are you TRYING to get her killed, this is NOT what we agreed, car is in my name (bought with funds from an inheritance), this is bad parenting, yadda yadda yadda. She came over with a cop the next day to pack her stuff, I was so goddamn relieved, great, get the **** out.

The date with the adult male was an issue, but the absolute certainty that if she got knocked up I would be taking care of a second child for an extended period was something I was unwilling to undertake.

The "not my dad" crap was often used, which I somewhat expected. For it to continue after he totally bailed on his daughter, and after finding out his history, was aggravating. Wife had a real hair trigger concerning him, several folks I have talked about this with suggested there may have been something which happened with daughter and bio-dad when she was very young. Something about this guy definitely had her spooked.

Daughter was on ADD meds, Ritalin, Stratera, Concerta, Dexedrine, for over 10 years. I alternately tried to be a parent, pretended she wasn't there, tried to be a friend, just kept getting dumped on. Friend of mine had a very similar marriage. He ultimately left, a few years later older child, 22, no job, still living with Mommy, Od'd and died. I knew this young man quite well, won't say I was a father figure but about as close as there was. I made some effort but could have tried harder. Just could not stand by and watch that happen again. Mommy constantly saying "it's not her fault, she didn't mean to". No responsibility whatsoever.

The mother of the kid who Od'd was actually held out to me as an example of parenting I should follow. Oh yeah, she's an alcoholic, also.

I made the mistake of telling her I was considering divorce some months before all hit the fan. She was way too prepared when all this went down, got way pissed I didn't leave the house for her or give her everything I owned. It is amazing how much more relaxed I am after all this, just when she screws with my visitatiion that I get pissed again. She got so ticked I finally got a fair deal on Christmas, she took him out of town all week for New Years.

What's that line about "Hell hath no fury.."?

At least my son's all pumped we get all next week together. Unless she changes the plan, again. Then he will raise hell and she will bitch at me, again. The only good news is she is not at all equipped to handle a teen-age boy, I will probably get increased time over the next few years.