Shift Change: A Short Story -- Part IV

[Tommyknocker]

"Just answer the question. Did you or did you not bet on the hit of a noob?" Baldrick's eyelids narrowed at Capmaster, the senior of the two men seated across from his desk.

"It wasn't like that at all, Boss; he had already become disruptive, abusive, and had disrespected all the moderators." Lord Smurf interjected.

"Yeah, I saw the transcript. Did you discuss it, or flip a coin, too?"

"There was nothing to discuss. He knew he was on his way out of the Forum and was bolting for the exit. Yes, we did bet on the hit, but the ban was a foregone conclusion." Capmaster added.

"His family doesn't think so; his brother is suing us for abusive force."

"What? He knew the rules, we all get briefed when we join up." Lord Smurf said incredulously.

"That's for the lawyer's to decide, now. His brother, Skinny, is livid, and says he won't rest until you're both strung up by your genitals."

"He comes anywhere near my 'package', he better have his mouth op...."
Lord Smurf started to respond defiantly, but Baldrick cut him off.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, Boss."

"Good. Now it'd go a long way to fix this mess if someone was to apologize."

"Apologize for what? His brother being a fat fart? That's not my fault." Lord Smurf lit another cigarette.

"No it's not. But do you have anything to do with him being a fat, dead fart?"

Cap and Lord Smurf just looked at each other.

"Just get back to work, and try to stay out of trouble, okay? Skinny already has a yellow card in his butt already, courtesy of Vitualis for trying to get info to rip rentals."

"Uh, make that two, Boss. I gave him one for telling TK to perform felatio on a rhinocerotidae." Lord Smurf added.

"What?"

"Suck rhino ****." Ilsa's voice beeped through the speaker phone.

"My meeting notes had better be typed up, Ilsa, if you've got time to eavesdrop."

"Sorry, Sir."

"Looks like he's a class act, too, Boss." Capmaster snarled.

"Just go."

As they walked out of the office, stifling giggles, Cap's radio squawked. "Cap, Dispatch."

"Go 'head Dispatch."

"Got a hot one for you. Member trying get warez. NGD Forum. Copy?

"Copy. You don't think it's him, do you?" Lord Smurf asked.

"You're being paranoid. There are almost 95,000 people registered here." Cap answered.

"I bet you..."

"Shut up."

They both shot over to the Newbies General Discussion just in time to see Shadow Mistress waving to them frantically with a piece of paper. "Home Boy over there seems to need your assistance; he's giving these pamphlets out." She said, showing the childish scrawl, asking for an illegal software crack.

Capmaster dreaded the next question he had to ask. "So where's our literary genius?"

"The pencil-necked jerk by the exit." She pointed to weasily, malnourished, ferret-faced Skinny, some 200 yards away. As she did, Skinny looked up, saw he had been made, and dove for the exit.

"Great, just gr--", Lord Smurf grumbled and turned toward where he thought Capmaster was, but only saw the wall behind him. He looked down, and saw Capmaster already in his kill stance, and the red card already on its way. Smurf couldn't tell if the card stuck in the exit door before or after Skinny dove through it, but as Skinny's legs went through the door jamb, his feet hit the floor, his body outside, his feet were still inside, shaking violently, then they stopped.

Tommyknocker came by with his wheelbarrow and tarp, saw the legs, stooped down, grabbed one of the feet, and pulled the body inside. He then grabbed his broom and started sweeping outside the door, and the decapitated head of skinny rolled back inside as well, his eyes lifeless, but still in shock.

"Dispatch, Cap." He spoke into his radio.

"This is Dispatch. Go ahead, Cap."

"Forum secured."

"Copy forum secured."

"Cap, Big Kahuna."

"Go 'head."

"Yeah, call me."

He reached for the wall phone and pressed one.

"Baldrick's Office. Ilsa speaking."

"Hi, Ilsa this is Cap..."

"Prez!! I saw it all on closed circuit! It was awesome! It was unbelievable! It was poetry in motion! It was--"

"It was time you put my call through, Ilsa." He heard Baldrick in the background.

"Yes, Sir." he heard a click and Baldrick began yelling.

"Please tell me you didn't just kill the man who is suing us. Please tell me."

"I didn't kill the man who is suing us."

"Is that true?"

"No."

"The case will be in court for years. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....."
********************

[lordsmurf]

"Please tell me you didn't just kill the man who is suing us. Please tell me."

"I didn't kill the man who is suing us."

"Is that true?"

"No."

I love it. Excellent.
And OMG, those last few lines.

[Tommyknocker]

You guys just make this stuff too easy. Thanks for the sentiments.

[bugster]

TK, I have no idea where you get your inspiration for this stuff, but keep it coming. Excellent.

[tekkieman]

TK, I have no idea where you get your inspiration for this stuff, but keep it coming. Excellent.

Looks like TK will be hit (pardon me) with a new inspiration soon!

[Capmaster]

Brava!!!! TK turns a phrase with the best of 'em

BTW Tommyknocker, I hope you're saving all these gems in a text file somewhere. I can see it now on the NY Times Bestseller List, titled after the KJ hit:

#1 - Knocker, Tommy, VHelp Pub., 2005, Title: "The 'King' And Eye"

Nice work 8) 8) 8)

[offline]

felatio on a rhinocerotidae.
I'm sure it was an elephant's pessary!!

[bazooka]

Another great literary art from tk.

Keep them coming, you are very good at this.

[Shadowmistress]

That is hillarious! (glad I wasn't just the secretary)
Can you point me to any more of this stuff?

Definitely keep up the good work Tommy!

[Tommyknocker]

There are three more, just do a search on this forum under Shift Change. I labeled them all that title, just different parts. And as for the secretary, I knew better to cast you there, I read the thread between you and North cat, and I value my life. Thanks for the sentiment!

[Shadowmistress]

[Capmaster]

That is hillarious! (glad I wasn't just the secretary)
Can you point me to any more of this stuff?

Definitely keep up the good work Tommy!

Here are the previous three masterpieces TK did: Shift Change, Parts 1 - 3:

https://www.videohelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1037549#1037549
https://www.videohelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1069906#1069906
https://www.videohelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1131015#1131015

[Shadowmistress]

After reading the previous ones, it seems to me Tommy is improving with each one. Keep at it Tommy, I'll buy you a new mop and a bunch of new tarps if you keep em coming.

I'd also recommend a review of salary for our jovial janitor from the powers that be? Perhaps free cafeteria food would be in order?

[Tommyknocker]

After reading the previous ones, it seems to me Tommy is improving with each one. Keep at it Tommy, I'll buy you a new mop and a bunch of new tarps if you keep em coming.

I'd also recommend a review of salary for our jovial janitor from the powers that be? Perhaps free cafeteria food would be in order?

Aren't you the sweetest thing! I wondered what that halo on your head was for.

[Capmaster]

After reading the previous ones, it seems to me Tommy is improving with each one. Keep at it Tommy, I'll buy you a new mop and a bunch of new tarps if you keep em coming.

I'd also recommend a review of salary for our jovial janitor from the powers that be? Perhaps free cafeteria food would be in order?

OK. We've doubled his salary and he now gets the same deal on lunch the mods get in the Videohelp staff cafeteria

[lordsmurf]

OK. We've doubled his salary and he now gets the same deal on lunch the mods get in the Videohelp staff cafeteria

We get lunch? At a cafeteria?
You told me all we had were those vending machines.
I've been eating chips and peanuts with Snapple.

[bazooka]

We get lunch? At a cafeteria?

You told me all we had were those vending machines.

I've been eating chips and peanuts with Snapple.

Looks like you got shafted. :P

[northcat_8]

That is excellent TK

Maybe you should stick to fiction instead of debate. You are getting better with each one.

[Tommyknocker]

That is excellent TK

Maybe you should stick to fiction instead of debate. You are getting better with each one.

Thanks, Teach. I know I try to give you a hard time from time to time, but I want everyone to know how much I admire your profession, and thanks again for the sentiment! Now, about this debate thingy...

[Capmaster]

OK. We've doubled his salary and he now gets the same deal on lunch the mods get in the Videohelp staff cafeteria

We get lunch? At a cafeteria?
You told me all we had were those vending machines.

Well, we do have a vending machine, but I have dibs on it most of the time:

[Tommyknocker]

Where do you guys get this stuff?