Read this! Damn funny!
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"Terminated!" :firing:
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Can't, access denied at work
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Here's the story.....
Badass Australian Cows (69657 hits)
Category: Humor
Rating: 1.84 on 318 reviews (Rate this item) (View all ratings)
Submitted by <jkershner00.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-09-29 10:30:45
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True story.
I was in grad school in Sydney, living on campus. There were two Danish guys in the dorm, Mike and Lasse, who had kept in contact with some Danish girls who were going to another university out in the sticks, around dairy and emu farms. Since I didn't have any family around, and had no money to fly home for the holidays, they were nice enough to invite me to their little Scandanavian Christmas.
Things started out great. I was the only non-Dane in the room, but everyone was so nice, I was really starting to feel welcome. Then they prepared the Gluck.
If you don't know what it is (as I didn't then), let me explain: Gluck is a traditional Danish holiday drink made from hot wine, but there are spices and nuts and rasins and shit in there too. I guess you have to have been raised on it, because I could barely choke it down. But since I was a guest, I did my best to smile and swallow. I drank entirely too much of it. ENTIRELY too much.
Later on that night, after everyone was a bit lopsided, the American bashing started. Not mean spirited, or anything, but needling just the same. You know, things like, "Why do you love war so much?", "Why are Americans so fat?", and "What makes you think cow tipping is so funny?"
I was trying, without much effort or success, to defend myself. I explained that I didn't think cow tipping was particularly funny, and that I had never actually been cow tipping. So of course Mike and Lasse start screaming, "Let's do it! I want to see an American tip a cow! That would be funny as hell!"
I said **** no, I'm not tipping a cow, but everyone was really into it, and Mike and Lasse said that they'd go with me and tip as well. In my drunken mindset, it started to make more and more sense to me, so I reluctantly said Okay.
So we went out into a field that has maybe six or seven cows in it, and Goddamn if Mike didn't pick out the ******* biggest cow. He said, "Tip that one. Just walk up to it an push it over." Are you ******* kidding me? The cow must have weighed 500 pounds. There was no way I was going to just push it over. I said as much to Lasse, and he said, "Okay, get a running start."
Well all right...that made much more sense...I got about 50 feet away from the cow and took off. I got up a good head of steam, and ducked my shoulder at the last minute for the best impact. I even aimed high for the best leverage possible.
Lessons learned from that experience:
1. Cows are ******* heavy.
2. Cows are ******* hard as rocks.
3. I am ******* stupid.
I just about fractured my clavicle, and the cow shuffled over about half a step and walked off, leaving my stupid, drunk ass whimpering in the mud. The rest of the cows woke up and sort of wandered off. Mike and Lasse were pissing themselves in laughter. I picked myself up off the ground and resigned myself to taking the walk of shame back into the house.
As we were walking back, we passed a Momma cow and her little calf. I don't know anything about animal husbandry, but I guess the calf was maybe a year old. Cutest little thing. Mike pushed the calf over. He didn't say anything, didn't look to Lasse or myself for approval, just suddenly pushed him over. And started laughing like a lunatic.
The Momma cow freaked out. She gave a scary ass cow scream, which I had never heard before and hope to God in heaven that I never hear again. Jesus Christ, I nearly shit myself. I had no idea that a cow could make a horror-movie scream like that. Then the cow charged. ****, you never saw three drunks run like that. Suddenly, I remembered a joke from my childhood. Something about running from a hungry bear: I don't have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you.
Lessons learned from that experience:
1. Cows are ******* scary fast.
2. Drunk people can't run.
I was clearly in the lead, running back toward the fence. I hopped nimbly over (har har) and promptly spewed all over myself. Purple fluid, nuts and raisins came shooting out of my mouth like the pie eating contest in "Stand By Me". It was evidently quite spectacular.
Mike came over next, but it was obvious that Lasse wasn't going to make it. I guess he thought he was being chased by a bear, because he decided to fall down and play dead, but it was clear the cow wasn't to be had so easily. She stopped, rolled Lasse over with her nose, and started sniffing him. For a minute I thought his ruse was going work. Then the calf trotted over, and I swear, with God as my witness, monkey-stomped Lasse in the nutsack. Then the Momma and baby just walked away. Lasse projectile vomited in a fashion very similar to my own. Mike and I stood there, open-mouthed, disbelieving.
We never spoke of the incident again. -
I have a few thoughts on our "friend's story"....
First - he may be american but he is no country boy...cows are closer to 850-1200 lbs (1200 for a beef steer)
2nd - obviously never been cow tippin before...running start, hit with shoulder....rookie
3rd - cows are obviously faster than man...ever see the running of the bulls in Spain???
4th - Calves are very jump oriented, I completely buy his last paragraph...although I do not believe the calf was intentionally jumping on him, the calf was jumping and he happened to be there.
If he wants real fun, he should try picking up a baby pig with it's Momma in the pen. I've see a momma sow toss a 250 lb man like you or I would flip a 2x4, he was trying to get out of the pen and she flipped his ass right on over the fence with her snout...no shit....don't mess with a sow's piglets, he got lucky, had he landed in the pen she would have biten him.
But still....I would have paid money to see these guys out there that night
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My wife that something was wrong since I was looking at my monitor and laughing until tears were coming from my eyes. I never thought cow tipping was funny either, until I read this story.
Hello. -
GuestGuest
We babysat a puppy weighing 1lb. last weekend.It was just getting cokey about its ability to walk. I loved tippin' it.He was like WTF?
Never mess with babies.Ever been attacked by a mama bluejay? I was walking into the apartment a few years back when i saw a noob jay on the ground about 5 ft away.Within milliseconds I had my hands on my head. A second later mama got my head bleeding -
I was drinking beer when I read it. Ever had beer shoot out your nose at high velocity??? It's not pretty! and kinda painfull
"Terminated!" :firing: -
Now that was funny!!
Notice it's always dunk ppl that are tipping cows?
Some friends and I tried it back in highschool. NEVER....I mean NEVER attempt this on a bull!!! NEVER EVER! The closest escape route for us was a pond....stinky, dirty, smell pond! -
Cow tipping isn't cool you can seriously injure or kill the cow and you might get your ass shot by a rancher or gored by a bull
"Terminated!" :firing: -
Just don't judge all of us Americans by this one retard
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I'd think it'd be a difficult task to tip a cow by yourself. I did it with 4 friends back in high school, but we tipped it onto a pile of hay. We had to keep opening bales in a field because the damn cow wouldn't stand still. There was a sheep farm that some cruel punks poured kerosene over and lit it in the middle of the night. The field was behind my parents house so we could see this ball of flame running across the field lighting various spots on fire. The next morning smelled like a barbecue of half cooked and rotting meat. Apparently they lit 3 sheep and we only saw the one. Sad, though it was a funny sight.
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Originally Posted by Doramius
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Originally Posted by flaninacupboard"Terminated!" :firing:
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Originally Posted by thayne
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Originally Posted by thayne
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Originally Posted by thayne
)
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Bring a .22 and shoot them in the balls. I want them to still be able to run around when they're on fire.
"Terminated!" :firing: -
Originally Posted by thayne
Good idea, I have 3 of those plus my friend just sold my 30-06 the other day
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Originally Posted by Flaystus
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Originally Posted by Doramius
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The professor kicked me out when I blew open my pig cadaver with an M80 on the first day.
That was also the same day he announced his retirement from teaching.
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