Newbies 105: Obscenities and Vulgarity

[indolikaa]

Good morning, students. Please be seated.

In your own chair, Mr. Capmaster... Thank you.


Today, we will be discussing a sensitive subject in the videohelp.com community. As many of you are aware, the subject of foul language has been brought to our attention by the Moderators and Administrator of this great forum. We have all been asked to 'tone down' the use of frivolous vulgarities and obscenities, to better our community and help those more sensitive than us enjoy what Baldrick has to offer. However, one should not feel like this means the darker side of the English language should ride-off into the sunset.

Dr. WankHer and I are here today to help you better master the principles and theory behind the concepts of public obscenities, how to incorporate them into your videohelp.com repertoire, and how such precision use of the English language is a betterment to us all. Let us begin.


Learning to Use Obscenities with Class

Please turn your attention to what could be the most cherished thread ever to have been posted at the vcdhelp.com archives: Using Obscenities with Class.

We begin by studying the discourse defense provided. As you can see, defense was not bothered by the use of obscenities, only that it was used without any style or grace. Notice the subtle difference between just saying 'I'd hit it' and expressing yourself in a more animated fashion? The emoticon, as we've discussed before, is a powerful tool. Never be afriad to enclose your thoughts between a pair of colons.

No, Mr. Northcat and Dr. Gee, not your own colons. No, I don't need to see that from either one of you. If I need to see a colon, I can look at the most recent picture of John Kerry in the New York Times. I was referring to the colon symbol on your keyboard. (Sigh)

Now at this point, other than jeex showing extremely questionable taste in women, we have nothing more than a man who simply feels a need to express himself without censorship. This should not be seen in a negative light, but notice that the overall effect projects an image of obscenity without the feeling of trash. For instance, you'll notice he made a passing reference to the overall attraction of the women's maxillofacial structure (the face is a little messed up) as opposed to hurling an insult designed to bring the woman in question to tears (that bitch looks like she got hit by a train!) and making her feel less than beautiful.

Please also consider the words that followed.

Oh shit, I'm laughing so hard I think I just pushed a testicle through my sac!

There have been many posts in the world of vcdhelp. This is one that has repeated itself time and again. Is it the most perfect example of using obscenities with class? Perhaps, but only time will be able to make that judgement. But for now, it should be looked upon as a stunning statement of one man's desire to tell the world just how he feels about the situation at hand. Notice the paradox of using the words 'Oh shit' in the company of 'testicle'? Most Post Whores would simply have continued the thought by saying 'one of my balls' but as you can see, the subtle change from vulgarity to proper English has made this sentence all the more impressive. And that's what obscenity is all about, my friends.

The key is to project the necessary image of the obscenity with grace and dignity, while at the same time maintaining a proper face on the situation. Please take a look at the following example of how not to approach a woman with the intent of having a romantic evening.

So teegee, you wanna go to Vegas with me?

Are you ******* out of your mind? Why would I want to spend time with a woman with more varieties of VD than a Thai whorehouse full of Democratic interns?

Now, as you can see, while teegee has wisely made the choice to protect himself from future incontinence (among other things) his choice of words could use a little work. We should not be disappointed in his use of obscenities to convey his point; rather, we should only question his presentation. Now consider the same situation, but let's try this again with some class added to the mix.

So Ripper, you wanna go to Vegas with me?

That's very nice of you Ms. Spears, but I'm afraid I already have a previous committment with a bottle of vodka, two 'D' batteries and a cordless bread kneader. And I think that might be a better choice for both of us, given your recent foray.

Brilliant. Abso-*******-lutely brilliant! You can just feel the contentious tone oozing from the smart response of Mr. Ripper, yet the dumb bitch is likely too blonde to realize she's just been looked over for an evening of wrapping one's manhood in the grasps of a Ronco Dough Master. Ripper has not only protected himself from a future of dilapidated genetalia, he's also excused himself from the offer with class. Well done, cocaine eyes.

Now this is just bad, and it shows signs of Wanker Post-Whoring, a subject we here at Snowflake University don't discuss in good company.

So Northcat, you wanna go to Vegas with me?

You know I'd love to, but with my bad hip and all, I can barely walk, let alone bend the damn thing and...oops! I just dropped my pocket watch. Could you get it for me, dear?

He just used the 'Could you bend over and pickup my loose change so I can piledrive you into the next century' routine. Complete and utter horseshit, and a total disrespect for good taste and his own future in the breeding arena. Shameful.

Well, unless he happened to be wearing a few condoms on his Saturn V, which of course then makes the entire show just a little bit safer. And you know what we say at Snowflake University, don't you class?

STUDENTS: (In perfect unison) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool!

Very good, students. Very good.


Vulgarity: It's Not a Bad Thing

Too often the feeble-minded of our society are always looking for ways to redirect attention from their own shortcomings by blaming others for the problems of the world. Democrats immediately come to mind, but there is another animal out there, one which far more dangerous than Ted Kennedy could ever have been. Yes, even when driving a bus full of children over an icy Massachusetts bridge. That person is the 'Do-Gooder' and they love to attack the use of profanity and vulgarity in a public forum.

It may appear that The Honorable Baldrick has presented us with a confusing duality on the use of vulgarity and profanity. If you would please direct your attention to the official Forum Rules/AUP of videohelp.com?

You agree not to post any abusive, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening, sexually-orientated or any other material that may violate any applicable laws.

This single sentence is often confused as being a warning that any such postings are not allowed. This is simply not true; if you will read the sentence again and analyze the sentence structure, you will notice that items in commative sequence all refer to the predicate. Hence, so long as your post does not violate any applicable laws, you should feel free to speak your mind. Now, it would be an entirely different situation if the following would have been posted.

You agree not to post any abusive, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening, or sexually-oriented material, or any material that may violate applicable laws.

Notice how two separate inclusions are identified? All of the commative material, and any material that may violate applicable laws, are both included as being a violation of forum rules.

CAPMASTER: (Whispering) ******* guy finally gets his English degree after 12 years and now he's going to teach the rest of us how to read.
GITREEL: (Whispering) Dumbass.
BALDRICK: (Whispering) I'm going to kick his pompous American ass. And reset his post count.

Let's take a closer look at the finer points of using vulgarity in the everday Post-Whoring routine. Consider the use of vulgarity in typical, non-specific situations that occur throughout the day in the Off-Topic forum.

******* guy finally gets his English degree after 12 years and now he's going to teach the rest of us how to read.

This is one of the more poorly-worded communal thoughts I've seen in some time. I have come to expect better from those of us in the world who believe Ed and Stan's brainchild is the proper way to settle international disputes. But alas, we have what would have been an excellent example of casual vulgarity marred by not only it's improper placement in the sentence structure, but a misrepresentation of the facts at hand. With a couple of subtle changes, this becomes a much more presentable post.

The guy finally gets his ******* English degree after he started working on it 14 years ago, and now he's going to teach the rest of us how to read.

Much better. Our sentence structure has been corrected, the facts have been straightened out, and credit has been properly given where credit is due. You notice how the adjective use of the vulgarity makes the flow of this sentence more pleasing, and how the user's true feelings are more cleanly expressed? This should not be looked upon as an offensive post, it should be considered a model by which others should practice. Now let's focus our attention on the response.

Dumbass.

Horrible post. Did we actually hand-out a diploma for Post-Whoring to this guy? If we did, then a remedial course must be scheduled immediately, as this is an embarrassment to all who make videohelp.com a more family-centric place to rip movies in clear violation of the JVDonMP.

FLANINACUPBOARD: (Raises Hand) Dr. Khan, what does JVDonMP mean?

That is an excellent question, flan. It is an anacronym for Jack Valenti's Declaration on Movie Piracy. We will be studying his revolutionary commiunist theories in a forthcoming lecture dedicated soley to Mr. Valenti, but you must first pass Newbies 105: Obscenities and Vulgarity, as well as Newbies 201: The Indolikaa Special, before we can venture into the twisted mind of the MPAA. Now, continuing on, let's make a slight correction to gitreel's post and bring it up to speed with both the topic of the day.

Dumbass.

Much better. Remember, the coveted response to any poorly-worded newbie post should always include the obligatory emoticon that denotes how truly annoyed you are. Now the next post is truly amazing. Not only has the member in question posed a scenario that is just not ******* possible in this life, he's also suggested a course of action that would never happen on vcdhelp.com. Let's take a look, shall we?

I'm going to kick his pompous American ass. And reset his post count.

Unbelievable. While I applaud the use of the rarely-used 'pompous' adjective, the sentence lacks any definitive words that bring it's meaning to life and highlight the feelings of the user. Do not confuse his choice of the word 'ass' to describe the glutius maximus region of yours truly. Nobody says 'butt' anymore. Well, the French do, but who gives a shit about them? No, my concern here is that two words could have gone a long way to adding style and sophistication to this sentence. I also question the tactic of threatening to remove the trophies of a long and fruitful career of Post-Whoring on svcdhelp.com. Only idiots who forget their passwords are doomed to the fate of a clean post-count slate. Let us edit.

I'm going to kick his ******* ass, that pompous American bastard. And erase his password file to boot!

Perfect. Do you feel the flow of the sentence, and how it is made more robust by simply including a couple of colorful metaphors? It's really not that hard, is it students?

CAPMASTER:
GITREEL:
BALDRICK:


Casual Swearing: What's Not to Love?

As we have previously mentioned, there has been cause for concern over the use of profanity at cvdhelp.com. I can reassure you that a permanent and formal ban on profanity is not coming down. And I offer you proof of our Administrator's stand on the issue.

What are your views on swearing?

I personally see a need for it. But not in the ******* subjects.

Rest assured, you will find that most forms of vulgarity are tolerated. Please note that, should you choose to use vulgarity to drive home a personal attack on another member, you are not only likely to face the wrath of a Moderator, you might also face the wrath of another member more veteran to Post-Whoring than yourself. Please consider the following situation carefully.

Yet judging by the number of sneaky and cheap shots Jumbo_Holden receives so far, who can resist to jap in here!

This was a famous quote from a member who claimed to be a "Two-Star" Admiral with the United States Navy during World War II. I'm not one to judge, but the youngest Rear Admiral in the Navy was a 44-year old man named Elmo Zumwalt, Jr. Now if we are to assume that 44 years would be the youngest for a Rear Admiral - Lower Half (which is the correct term for an Admiral of this rank, as all officers in the US Navy have a star on their shoulder boards and sleeves) and the United States entered the war in 1941, that would make our esteemed "2-Star Admiral" 107 years old when he posted his fascinating thoughts on racism. Seems a little far-fetch to me. That, and the fact I've worked with Admirals in both the US and Royal Navies, and none of them ever had the indecency to refer to their fellow mankind in such terms, but that's another story altogether.

NORTHCAT_8: (Whispering) Did he just rant?
DR GEE: (Whispering) I think that might be the prelude to a previously-orated Indolikaa Special.
RIPPER2860: (Mumbling) Word.

It is one thing to use profanity to commence a personal attack on another member. One only has to remember our previous discussions on the proper use of the 'Dumbass! ' moniker. But you must learn to distinguish between the casual use of profanity and a personal attack that crosses the line. For instance, let's look at a possible scenario in which profanity would be considered acceptable when launching a personal attack...

Hello, I just downloaded a DiXV of Harry Potter 3 and I don't know what do with it. Can somebody help me? TIA!

You could try erasing the file from your hard drive. That would be just ******* peachy with me. You could also try reading the Forum Rules/AUP before you post your next question. It might make you a little less vulnerable to future encounters with members who are less patient than I am. And finally, you might learn how to spell DivX; it might make you look only slightly more intelligent. Dumbass.

'******* peachy' could be one of the finest usages of Americanized British English the world has ever seen. It flows seamlessly between subtle insults, and does not draw attention to itself. Not like the venerable 'dumbass' reference, which has once again been used with flair and accuracy. We should also consider one of the most famous uses of profanity to commence a personal attack AND make a statement on the feelings one member has for another.

Will Hay sounds like a ******* dick in need of a fist shoved down his throat. While its passing thru his teeth he gets his dose of vitamin D. What an *******!

Not even subtle, yet somehow it's just pleasing to see such a personal attack launched in this form. Sometimes you can get away with using blatant profanity to attack the perceived credibility of another member. Never mind the clueless twat attacked one of the more respected members on this forum, who only responded to one of the stupidest questions I've seen posted in my recent times here. The sheer audacity and brilliance of this post, as I once mentioned, will be analyzed in various forums for years to come.

It should be noted that casual vulgarity is not limited to members alone. Why, even the Moderator core is capable of posting some truly fascinating...

Mr. Cobra, would you please put Dolly away? There will be plenty of time for that later... Thank You.

Now, as I was saying, Moderators can be just as vain as the rest of us. Now, now, before you all begin to come unhinged as such a suggestion, it is true. Even veteran Moderators can make casual convesation with absolutely no meaning. Please consider the following post in thread 218449 by Moderator offline.

My thoughts, **** **** **** (the following 407 uses of the word **** were removed to conserve bandwidth for those stupid-**** members who will quote this entire post just to make a statement about it. - Ed.)
.. My point? It is ok in small doses and where it is needed, but when excessive or used for no reason it is plain irritating and pointless.

Feel free to examine the post in its complete form, but I believe we've made our point perfectly clear. Moderators are just as capable of sinking to the bottom of the community douche bag as anyone else. And that is just another reason why xvcdhelp.com is such a unique place to gather. Nobody likes a forum where the Moderators have no sense of humor, let alone no desire to stir the pot with a completely useless and possibly inflammatory post like this masterpiece.

In the same discussion, Moderators are also quite capable of using profanity to drive home a point, even in the face of absolute stupidity. Regarding our previous discussion of our "2-Star Admiral" friend, please look at how his "Naval Career" on xsvcdhelp.com came to a crashing end, and how the use of profanity was so elegantly used.

You are in breach of the forum rules and are being BANNED. "resist to jap in here!" is yet another example of your rabid xenophobia. Congratulations, you have been officially promoted to a five star arsehole. Bon Voyage!
/ Moderator offline

Brilliant. Abso-*******-lutely brilliant!

Students, we have learned that obscenities and profanity can and do have a place in the dvdrwhelp.com community. Please take the opportunity to practice the proper usage of these important skills at your earliest convenience. Thank you, and we will see you soon for Newbies 106: Blank Media Theory.

And would somebody turn that ******* air compressor off?!

Dr. Indolikaa Khan
Snowflake University

[SLK001]

Got a lotta extra time on your hands, now that school's out, don't ya, indo?

[gitreel]

That was a really ******* astute observation. :P

[SquirrelDip]

Excuse me, Professor Indolikaa, is this shit going to be on the final?

[Capmaster]

"Ed and Stan's brainchild". Nice touch Oh, and assuming one was interested, where would ....ummmmm...one acquire one of those cordless bread kneaders? For a gift. Yeah! For a gift .....

[flaninacupboard]

yet another well constructed lesson.

i reckon baldrick will change that line within an hour

[gitreel]

Excuse me, Professor Indolikaa, is this shit going to be on the final?

Just make sure you are fucked up beyond the absolute ******* point of no return.

[indolikaa]

Got a lotta extra time on your hands, now that school's out, don't ya, indo?

I actually wrote this at work yesterday. I added some of the finer touches last night.

And I got a raise yesterday, too. Who says wasting time can't be a productive endeavour?

Excuse me, Professor Indolikaa, is this shit going to be on the final?

Yes, the final exam will include this shit, and much other shit. However, you will be relieved to know that Dr. Khan is too ******* lazy to actually put forth a real effort to grade your performance in these areas, so your final will be a multiple-choice exam.

"Ed and Stan's brainchild". Nice touch Oh, and assuming one was interested, where would ....ummmmm...one acquire one of those cordless bread kneaders? For a gift. Yeah! For a gift .....

You can find the Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker at Wal-Mart, among other places. They usually offer a corded and cordless variety. I believe you might find the corded version to have more kneading action, although one who is wise in the ways of the Volt could probably convert a 24V battery from a cordless circular saw, rather than rely on the cheesedick 6V supply found in the cordless model.

That was a really ******* astute observation. :P

You have atoned for your previous error, dumbass.

[gitreel]

Thank you professor :P

I always look forward to your lessons

Now enough of this brown-noser shit, let's get on with the lesson.

[VCDHunter]

I don't have the time to read all that shit. Just tell me, are we swearing in the ******* forums or what ?

[The village idiot]

What the ****? I thought class was postponed until tomorrow?

Dr. Khan has just informed me that the lecture hall at Snowflake University has been reserved for Newbies 105 as promised. It has been scheduled for 9:00 AM Eastern Time tomorrow, as previously discussed.

He's also quite upset at, if I may quote, "whichever one of you ************* stole my best air compressor hoses AND my 10th anniversary commemorative Zima bottle opener" as he seems to be having diffuculty opening his 11th wine cooler of the evening. Luckily we've managed to confuse him long enough to hide the vodka, lest he be so drunk tomorrow morning that I must step-in and teach you no-good twat-wankers the proper techniques of the Vulgar Post-Whore.

My apologies. Not all of you are twat-wankers. Some of you are just plain ********.


I.D WankHer
Snowflake University

https://www.videohelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=943675#943675


I drive for an hour just to come to class, and nobody was here at 9:10, note on the door says postponed, so I ******* left, now you sneak into the classroom and have class without me? May your dog lick your face immediately after licking its balls

[indolikaa]

What the ****? I thought class was postponed until tomorrow?

Dr. Khan has just informed me that the lecture hall at Snowflake University has been reserved for Newbies 105 as promised. It has been scheduled for 9:00 AM Eastern Time tomorrow, as previously discussed.

He's also quite upset at, if I may quote, "whichever one of you ************* stole my best air compressor hoses AND my 10th anniversary commemorative Zima bottle opener" as he seems to be having diffuculty opening his 11th wine cooler of the evening. Luckily we've managed to confuse him long enough to hide the vodka, lest he be so drunk tomorrow morning that I must step-in and teach you no-good twat-wankers the proper techniques of the Vulgar Post-Whore.

My apologies. Not all of you are twat-wankers. Some of you are just plain ********.


I.D WankHer
Snowflake University

https://www.videohelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=943675#943675


I drive for an hour just to come to class, and nobody was here at 9:10, note on the door says postponed, so I ******* left, now you sneak into the classroom and have class without me? May your dog lick your face immediately after licking its balls

Again, the confusion over time zones has reared it's ugly head.

Please notice that the post was dated 00:00 on June 11. That would be Friday Midnight, but not in my time zone. You see, Arizona alternates between Pacific Time and Mountain Time, depending on what time of the year it is. We don't 'celebrate' Daylight Savings Time because the extra hour in the evening does us no good. Either way, while the forum says my instructions were posted on Friday, it was still Thursday in my part of the world. Hence, my message confirming that class will be in session the next day.

Dr. Khan


(OK, in reality, it's true. Arizona doesn't have Daylight Savings Time. There are two reasons. First, the 'extra' hour you get in the evening is useless in most of Arizona for the purpose it was intended. It is still well into the 90°F range when the sun goes down, especially in Phoenix. By not observing DST, the sun comes up 'earlier' in the morning, allowing us to enjoy the coolest part of the day. You get used to the sun coming up at 4:30 AM after awhile. )

[northcat_8]

Oh shit I fell asleep....what the **** was he talking about?

[indolikaa]

Oh shit I fell asleep....what the **** was he talking about?

Typical.

[The village idiot]

I live on the east coast, it was 09:10 when I was here, nobody else was in the classroom. So once again I say WTF?

[DVD_Ripper]

I have not laughed this hard in a while.

Thanks

[northcat_8]

Oh shit I fell asleep....what the **** was he talking about?

Typical.

Capmaster, can I borrow your notes?
....As long as they are not "sticky" like last time

[VCDHunter]

Oh shit I fell asleep....what the **** was he talking about?

Typical.

Capmaster, can I borrow your notes?
....As long as they are not "sticky" like last time

I tried that but just got endless doodlings of dolly

[stiltman]

Sorry I missed class, but I had to go to the doctor and get a shot

[indolikaa]

Sorry I missed class, but I had to go to the doctor and get a shot

Penicillin? :P

[Will Hay]

You are in breach of the forum rules and are being BANNED. "resist to jap in here!" is yet another example of your rabid xenophobia. Congratulations, you have been officially promoted to a five star arsehole. Bon Voyage!
/ Moderator offline

Credit where credit is due
W.

[Capmaster]

You are in breach of the forum rules and are being BANNED. "resist to jap in here!" is yet another example of your rabid xenophobia. Congratulations, you have been officially promoted to a five star arsehole. Bon Voyage!
/ Moderator offline

Credit where credit is due
W.

Good to see you got reprieved from diaper duty long enough to post a few Will

[flaninacupboard]

you think it was diaper duty? it's because peanut butter boy broke his keyboard in an embarassing way and only just got it sorted. ask him what he did, go on - ask him!

[Capmaster]

you think it was diaper duty? it's because peanut butter boy broke his keyboard in an embarassing way and only just got it sorted. ask him what he did, go on - ask him!

Oh no .....not the "S" word ........noooooo ....say it ain't so Will

[lordsmurf]

Can the professor sneak in a quickie lesson someday ... regarding non-profane useless language? I ******* hate "TIA" and "kewl" and "r u gr8" and other such moronic blatherskite. It's the ebonics of the Internet. They should post at www.videohelp4wankers.com instead of here.

The words "uneducated *******" normally enter my mind, and it's odd how those people always want to know where to get "serialz" and "donlod moveez" ... which bring up another point ... why the **** add "z" when we already have a perfectly good "s" to go around?

[Guest]

Can the professor sneak in a quickie lesson someday ... regarding non-profane useless language? I ******* hate "TIA" and "kewl" and "r u gr8" and other such moronic blatherskite. It's the ebonics of the Internet. They should post at www.videohelp4wankers.com instead of here.

That site is down

[SquirrelDip]

That site is down

Speaking of down, where's the ******* T.A.?

[gitreel]

Maybe he jumped out the window as offline stated in a previous lesson

[Ripper2860]

Indo --

The clarity of thought! The elegant crafting of prose! You have bestowed upon us yet another Masterpiece. You are truly a wordsmith! An artist whose canvas is this forum, and whose paintbrush is the keyboard.

I am left speechless and have been brought to tears. ...

as to What In the HELL could have ******* possesed me to say NO to BRITNEY SPEARS for some piece of shit home kitchen appliance!!

Ahhhh. Just think about it ...

... her pert supple young breats. Curvey and well proportioned ass. Long and strong shapely legs. Luscious lips! Ohhhh Britney! Ohhh ,yeah Britney! Do whatever you want to me baby...

... Just don't ******* sing !!!!!!

Ain't nothing a little Penicillin and a gag wouldn't fix !!

[fmctm1sw]

Hilarious. I must admit, it was my twisted mind that started the Susan Smith thread. Somehow, it degraded into a gun control flame war and got locked. Hmm, I wonder who has started the most threads that ended up locked? That would be an interesting stat!