Male vs. Female at the ATM Machine

[SquirrelDip]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.>
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.>
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. >
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[lumis]

Thanks for sharing an e-mail forward with us.

[Conquest10]

so true

[SquirrelDip]

Thanks for sharing an e-mail forward with us.

You're welcome. Any puppies you'd like killed?

[lumis]

You're welcome. Any puppies you'd like killed?

The one in your avatar?

[SquirrelDip]

You're welcome. Any puppies you'd like killed?

The one in your avatar?

Now that's just mean...

[ZAPPER]

Just curious. Am I the only one that gets in line behind the people with no balance left? Why do those people act so suprised? Why do they have to insist that the money is supposed to be in the account? And why do they try again? Look people, the whole idea of me going to an ATM is to get some quick cash, I don't go to the piggy bank or look under my mattress, because, I know that the money is not there, why would they go to an ATM and hope that somehow magically that there will be money there if they didn't put it there or have already taken it all out?


Maybe it is just me. I have been using ATMs since maybe 1980 (yes, I admit that I am loosing money doing it, but I figure that I am saving time, twisted rationalization I know) It has become second nature to me. Pull out wallet and get out the card as I approach, swipe/insert card as I square up to the machine, Choose language (Why, I don't know), enter PIN (Not the last four numbers of my social or my DOB by the way),hit enter, hit fast cash, from checking, $100, yes receipt, wait for cash, take cash, another transaction? NO, wait for receipt, take receipt. Stuff cash, card and receipt into wallet as I leave machine. Time elapsed? Oh I don't know, maybe 60 seconds or less if the machine is up to speed, two minutes would seem like an eternity.

I must admit that I am addicted to ATMs. I have direct deposit now and have very little reason to set foot inside of a bank. Even before direct deposit I couldn't always make it to a bank to deposit paychecks and I wouldn't panic until I hit that magic balance that we all set as our personal bench mark for our own comfort level. I have had payroll checks expire before.(yes the banks pay attention to the dates better than I would have thought and the payroll manager at my company goes ape shit if you have six or seven checks out. Apparently it messes up their recconciliation or something) but I have a ballpark figure of what is in my account. Keeping about a hundered bucks in my pocket and refilling when the last twenty is cracked has been a way of life for me. The only down side has been one lost wallet, three or four cards that have just plain worn out, and a short spree one year when I left three or four cards in the ATM in like a six month period. (Brain farts I guess) (On a side note, I asked the bank about leaving my card in the machine like that and was told that after a short time the machine sucks the card back in and it gets voided) OK, after loosing, wearing out or feeding the card to the machine and walking away, it takes about a week to get a new one. This can be one very painful week when you are as addicted as I am. So being the clever one that I like to think that I am, I now get two cards at a time, one for my wallet and one for safe keeping. The trouble now is that I don't exactly remember where the safe keeping place was for my last card. go figure.


I have about given up on the drive through ATMs. For one thing I am usually in a full sized van or truck and the geniuses that design and layout the drive throughs have never seriously taken into account the physical limitations and manuvering capibilities of such machines. My van is not a zero turn radius lawn mower, the dually is wider than six feet and a ladder rack will not clear six foot in height (Six foot eight is considered the minimum height for a person to even walk under). Oh, yes the landscaping looks beautiful with all of the twist and turns in the drive, and how clever you are to squeeze three drive thrus into the space of two. Maybe that explains why all of the concrete filled steel pipe bollards are bent over to 15 degrees out of plumb and why the curbs are covered in black rubber scuff marks. Me? I figure that I will get a little fresh air and exercise and walk into the gas station to buy some Twinkies, a Coke, a pack of smokes and hit the ATM.


I have seen the full sized Surburban, driven by the fairer sex, rub more than paint against pipe bollards. I have sat nervously behind the car in front of me looking at their reverse lights wondering if I honked, if they would panic and mash the gas pedal to the floor and come barreling backwards towards me, or if they will catch the fact that they are sitting at an ATM with 3000 lbs of machinery geared in reverse.

I have even seen someone drop their money and then get out of the car while it was still in Drive! (That was a serious bonehead move that almost turned tragic because the driver was temporarly pinned by the car door as it struck one of the above mentioned bollards and there was pediestrian traffic coming from around the corner out of a blind spot) To make that worse, I jumped out and ran to assist. After securing the car that had traveled maybe 30 feet without a driver, I returned to the woman who was crawling around on all four in an attempt to retrive her dropped cash. (She was an older woman and my assesment was that she should not have been driving or that shock had pushed her over the edge) She began to act like I was going to steal her money and stated something to that affect. I tried to reassure her that I was only trying to help and that she needed to stay seated on the ground for a moment to regain herself. About this time a small group gatherd around and the woman started in with this story of how I made her nervous and she paniced because of me being behind her in an attempt to take attention off of her own stupidity. I told one of the bank employees that it is their bank and they need to call the ambulance or nut house. Apparently the "Nut house" crack was not the best choice of words because I was suddenly the bad guy it looked like. At any rate, all the bank people did was put her in her car and wave her on down the road and give me nasty looks.

Screw the drive thrus, I hate sitting in stop and go traffic, why would I willingly get into a line of autos to wait at a bank?

[MOVIEGEEK]

I always get behind the person getting a home loan or doing some other lame transaction.
IT'S AN ATM PEOPLE...GET YOUR MONEY OR MAKE A DEPOSIT AND MOVE ON!
BTW:I agree with you ZAPPER about direct deposit,I haven't set foot in my bank in years.The days of standing in line at the bank on a Friday seem like a lifetime ago.

[MOVIEGEEK]

You're welcome. Any puppies you'd like killed?

The one in your avatar?

Now that's just mean...

You walked right into that one SquirrelDip.

[SquirrelDip]

You're welcome. Any puppies you'd like killed?

The one in your avatar?

Now that's just mean...

You walked right into that one SquirrelDip.

You're right. And I guess I knew it making the post.

Generally I don't care for the email forwards but when they're funny I appreciate them. I suppose the proble is we all have a different point of view when it comes to humor.

@yoda : Can you set up a poll about reproducing email jokes at VH (in OT)? I'd be curious to see others views - Personally I'd like to see, can always use a good laugh...

[ZAPPER]

Well now that the thread has been hijacked, I do kind of like a little humor myself.

[Shadowmistress]

@zapper: LMFAO

I miss your occasional rants.

[yoda313]

Wow another shadowmistress sighting!

Those are far too infrequent you know

[ZAPPER]

@zapper: LMFAO

I miss your occasional rants.

We haven't heard much from you as of late either, or am I looking in the wrong places.


I always get nervous when a woman is quiet.

[SquirrelDip]

...I always get nervous when a woman is quiet.

Aint that the truth...

Hiya SM!

[MeDiCo_BrUjO]

Wow another shadowmistress sighting!

Those are far too infrequent you know

[Shadowmistress]

Hey guys. Sorry I disappeared on you again and no, you haven't been looking for me in the wrong places because right now I'm nowhere on the net to be found.

Back in early March I let my dialup access lapse with the intent of going high speed again, but, me being the worlds worst procrastinator, I sorta left myself without internet of any kind. Out of curiosity for how much I actually NEED the net, I've been putting off reconnecting until I have a "good" reason and so far haven't really found one yet.

I now borrow a comp here and there for a half hour or so about once a month, mainly to sign into my email accounts to keep them alive, and to drop by the places I can still remember my login password to off by heart.

I miss you guys, and there's no need for anyone to be nervous, but having all this extra free time on my hands is really cool. I guess for now you can expect a monthly drive-by posting outta me... probably on full moons.

[BJ_M]

well at least you are not posting from the Cayman Islands again

[MOVIEGEEK]

I miss you guys, and there's no need for anyone to be nervous, but having all this extra free time on my hands is really cool. I guess for now you can expect a monthly drive-by posting outta me... probably on full moons.

Welcome back..that reminds me...whatever happened to Capmaster?

[BJ_M]

he/she is around lurking :P

[Supreme2k]

Hey guys. Sorry I disappeared on you again and no, you haven't been looking for me in the wrong places because right now I'm nowhere on the net to be found.

Back in early March I let my dialup access lapse with the intent of going high speed again, but, me being the worlds worst procrastinator...

Doesn't that make you the world's best procrastinator?

[AlecWest]

Screw the drive thrus, I hate sitting in stop and go traffic, why would I willingly get into a line of autos to wait at a bank?

I'm still trying to figure out why people are willing to sit in a line of other cars, waiting to be served overpriced and overrated "flavored coffee" drinks (ie., Starbucks). I remember when they started. Basically, if you took a 50 cent cup of ordinary coffee and stirred in a couple of teaspoons of Nestle's Quik, you had a $3.00 cup of "caffe mocha."

I use ATMs, walk-up or drive-thru, only on VERY rare occasions. Most places I do business accept my debit MasterCard. And, if I need cash, I can always ask for cash back with a purchase (with no fees in tow).