Post your Top Tips......

[Ironballs]

Fed up of all those pesky bills, simply change you name to "Return to Sender" and rename your house to "Not known at this address"

[Shadowmistress]

Record the "this phone number is not in service" message onto your answering machine.

[b1tchm4gn3t]

I actually recorded this on my voice-mail, and got ALOT of rude remarks when friends and family called....'Hello?........Hello? Speak louder I cant hear you!......HAHAHA, Im messing with ya....leave a message!'

[jimmalenko]

On my personal mobile I recorded "Hello <jimm> speaking ..." and then waited 10 seconds before adding "just messagebank. Leave your name and number yadda yadda yadda ..."

10 seconds was just enough time for people to get around three quarters of the way through a big spiel

[Faustus]

I had my cousin do his best impression of the voice you get in Dallas when you call time. The sad part is the time was always the same and my mother was still confused for a week.

[VCDHunter]

Ladies, the switch that turns on your fog lights can also be used to turn them off again.

[Xylob the Destroyer]

Before getting behind the wheel of your car, take a moment to remove you head from your ass..
Also, virtually every vehicle manufactured in the past 50 years has this awesome feature built into it know as "turn signals". Familiarize yourself with the activation of these, and you will most likely find yourself getting flipped-off/cursed out/threatened much less than you do now.


as far as phone messages, I had "Kyle's mom's a bitch" from South Park on mine for about a week, but got so sick of 50 giggling messages followed by a hang up every day.
So I changed it to Guns and Roses "I Used to Love Her (But I Had to Kill Her)".

[pchan]

The best solution is still to control spendings. Cut down the number of credit card to ONE. Watch the bill like eagle eyeing on it's prey.

[Faustus]

Always remember. They are not all out to get you. Just a sizeable portion of them.

[Xylob the Destroyer]

NEVER listen to the voices!!
the voices are NOT on your side...

[rhegedus]

CINEMA goers ~ Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

[Faustus]

CINEMA goers ~ Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

hahahaha I got a related story... but I'll save it I guess. :P

[shelbyGT]

Don't lie to her. If you must, don't look her in the eye. If you must, be prepared for a crying and shouting match.

wedding is coming up in 3 months (we had to push it back)... I'm pumped!

[MeDiCo_BrUjO]

It doesn't matter how much she assures you it will not be a big deal, DON'T TELL HER THAT SHE IS REALLY FAT.

[thecoalman]

Don't eat yellow snow.

[ZAPPER]

Never let anyone dumber than you tell what to do, unless of course they sign your paycheck.


Keep in mind, all of your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

Keep in mind, that all of the work was done by the lowest bidder.

Try to act unimportant, maybe the enemy is low on ammo.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

Keep in mind, that anything that you do can get you killed, including doing nothing!

Five second hand grenade fuses, aren't five seconds

Just because there is a stop sign at an itersection, it doesn't mean that it is working.

Always stop for people in the cross walk, auto repairs are expensive.

Some things are best left unsaid, but it is more fun to say them.

[northcat_8]

A store's willingness to accept returned merchandise without a reciept is directly proportionate to how big of a scene you are willing to make.

If you are close to insufficient funds in your check account, stop by a cashland and borrow $100 to deposit. Insufficient funds charges by your bank is between $25-$30, Cashland charges $15 per $100 you borrow.

Buying your wife or girlfriend a gift "just because" will earn you more bonus points than buying her something really nice on any specific occasion.

Do you have trouble remembering gift buying holidays for your girlfriend or wife?
Fear not...I have a solution: Buy all gifts during the after christmas sales. The store will even gift wrap them for you. Take them home, hide them and just wait on her mother to call or wait until she gives you your gift. She will think you forgot, until she sees your gift is wrapped. Christmas sales are also a great time to buy those "just because" gifts. Anytime she's having a rough time, or on your case about every little thing...give her one to make her remember how sweet you are.

Schizophrenics are never lonely.

Need an extra few days off work? Go see a psychologist with stress complaints...you can get a week off for mental health reasons.

The person who said "work smarter, not harder" was not in the porn industry.

If you want to pick up the best looking girl in the bar, go up and ask her for her friend's name.

Jack Daniels and honey is better than any cough syrup you can buy over the counter.

The only person your kids are special to, is you...and no one else wants to talk to them on the phone.

Having fun with telemarketers:

When they ask for someone, tell them they died yesterday.

If they ask to speak to your wife, tell them you are her, they will ask...your name is "Jessica?"....say "YES! I am taking testosterone so I can complete sexual reassignment surgury in May."

Let them give their speil, then say "can you repeat what you just said?"

If they ask to speak to you, say "excuse me!?" They will repeat it, then say "WHO THE F**K IS THIS? My name is James, this is my house, ________(repeat the name they asked for) is the MFer my wife was cheating with.

Ask them if they could call back in a little bit, you and your wife are "busy" and the candle wax is just almost melted.

and anytime you are feeling stressed out, take a step back, have a beer and relax, odds are you can't do anything about it anyway.

[MackemX]

when you chase something up that hasn't been resolved you always get asked who did you speak to previously?

so my tip is, always make a note of who you talk to and when it was. It comes in handy when the person you previously talked to didn't do what they said would do or something didn't happen

[SquirrelDip]

When you've purchased an item from a shop using a "price match" and find you would like to return it... Return it without a receipt saying it was a gift - you may not get cash back but you should get their full price in a store credit.

[smearbrick1]

Join one of those online music clubs. Get the free introductory offer CDs, pay the money for the 1 that you promised to buy, get the 4 free additional CDs, and cancel. Repeat.

Before you know it, you have a shitload of CDs.