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Oops ... looks like I repeated one of your jokes below in a different way.Originally Posted by jimmalenko
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A guy walks into a bar.
Ouch. -
ummmm.... YEAH!Originally Posted by AlecWest
If in doubt, Google it. -
Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
How can you tell when a blonde is excited?
You stick your hand down her pants and if feels like you’re feeding a horse. -
Question - What's the difference between a truckload of dead bodies and a truckload of bowling balls?
Answer - You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. -
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. Lickalotapuss
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megasoreass
Q: What is the ultimate rejection ?
A: Your hand falls asleep while masterbating.
Q. What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?
A. I just got laid and now I'm getting hard!?!?
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Q-What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A-How are we suposed to find an egg in all of this s**t?
Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
Q: What do you get when you mix lesbians and ice cream?
A: A Klondike Bar!
Q: Where do horemones come from.
A: The prostitute on the other side of the wall.
(This one's for Capmaster)
Q: Why do navy ships have marines on them?
A: Sheep would be to obvious.
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Originally Posted by Doramius
A Marine and a sailor are walking down the sidewalk, the Marine about a hundred feet ahead. The Marine comes upon a little boy, making a sculpture of something with dog crap. He asks, "Hey, kid, what are you making?" The kid replies, "A sailor." The Marine walks off laughing.
The sailor heard the remark and walked up to the kid, asking, "Why are you making a sailor? Why not make a Marine instead?" The kid shrugged and replied, "I don't have enough dog crap." -
A blonde walks into an electronics store and says, "I'd like to buy that
tv please." The salesperson replies, "I'm sorry. We don't sell to
blondes here."
The blonde goes home and dyes her hair brown, and a few days later
returns to the store, again asking to buy the tv. "I told you, we don't
sell to blondes, miss. Please go home!" the salesperson tells her.
The blonde goes home, shaves her head and puts on a baseball cap.
In a few days she asks once again to buy the tv. "We just don't sell to
blondes here! Please, give up! Go home!" the salesperson exclaims. "I
dyed my hair, you still knew I was blonde. I shaved my head and wore a
hat, you still knew I was blonde! How do you know?" she cries,
exasperated. The salesperson points to the item she wants. "Well, first
of all, that's a microwave..."If in doubt, Google it. -
A man walks into a night club and notices a young attractive woman sitting alone. He doesn't want to pick her up but just have some friendly conversation with her. He approaches her and says, "Hello, would you mind if I sat with you and talked?" She jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Have sex with you??? NEVER!"
All eyes were on him as he slinked back to the bar. He had a drink and decided that she'd certainly misunderstood him. So, he went back over to her table and said, "Look, all I wanted was to have some friendly conversation. Nothing more." Again, she jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Spend the whole night with you at your place??? You're crazy!!!"
Again, he slinked back to the bar and had another drink. A few minutes later, the woman came up to him and whispered, "Look, I'm really sorry for the way I treated you. My Master's thesis in psychology deals with how men handle public embarassment and I was just doing field research. I really would like to sit with you and talk." The man jumped up from his bar stool, shouted "THREE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS AN HOUR???" and stormed out of the night-club. -
Zingers:
I was going to make fun of you by saying I was with your mom last night, but you have 2 fathers.
Your mama so fat her sanitary pad brand is SERTA.
The Special Olympics called and they said you aren't smart enough to qualify. They also said you wouldn't understand me and to hand you a balloon.
For Weed Smokers: Once you're high, enhance the experience by putting a handful of marbles in your mouth and shouting "I'm a WEED HEAD!" in public. -
Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull pooped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." -
Man walks into a bar...
Bartertender - "What'll it be ?"
Man - "Three shots of your strongest whiskey"
Bartender - "Three Shots for YOU ?"
Man - "Yes. What a day ! My First Blow Job !"
Bartender - "Congratulations ! Let me break out some Champagne !"
Man - "No, if three shots of whiskey don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will" -
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.
How do you know when a guy has a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
How do you make a woman scream twice consectutively?
**** her up the ass and then wipe it on her curtains. -
Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. -
While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little
faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a
copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum
stretcher?? "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand
in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just
what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park
him behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: Ł105.00
Court costs: Ł45.00
Look on copper's face ... Priceless.... -
What's the difference between fish and meat?
If you beat your fish it would die. -
What goes "Woof Woof BOOM!!!"?
A terrierist! -
Master of Time & Space
- Feb 2004
- Denver, CO United States
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Originally Posted by Cobra ROTFLMMFAO
<holds side, gasping for breath ......wipes coffee off monitor>
OMG that's funny
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Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
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A little boy and his dog were walking down the sidewalk when it started to rain.
A man pulls up and asks the little boy if he wanted a ride. The boy said "yes" but the man said, "I'm sorry son, your dog is not allowed to ride in my car."
The boy says that's alright, he'll just run along side.
The man rolls his eyes but says OK and they drive off.
Driving down the street at 35 mph, the man looks at the boy and says "where's you dog?" The little boy sits up, looks out the window and says "Oh he's just runnin along, right here beside the car."
The man speeds up to 65 and a few moments later asks him again. "Right here beside the car" replies the little boy.
The man turns on to the interstate and speeds up to 95 mph and smuggly asks the boy "where's your dog now?" the boy replies "oh he's just runnin along beside the car."
The man in disbelief slams on the brakes, gets out of the car, looks at the dog and says "That's amazing, I've never seen a dog be able to run like that. But what is that red thing around his neck?"
The little boy replies, "Oh that's his *******, he's not use to those sudden stops." -
Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
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Here's a great one
What the difference between an orange? -
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." -
Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted Health Canada's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and
panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to tell your friends over and over again that you
love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you can logically converse with members of
the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a
major factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you
tink you kan tpye reel gode -
Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
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A distraught man took a rope and tied it to the pillar of a bridge, then walked across the highway, wrapped the other end around his arm and pulled the rope taunt.
Just then a truck driver came through, the rope stretched across the road caught the front of his truck and tore the distraught man's arm off.
The police show up and arrest the truckdriver for armed robbery. -
Master of Time & Space
- Feb 2004
- Denver, CO United States
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The man sounded like he was at the end of his rope
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Originally Posted by northcat_8
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The other day, I went to my company's personnel office to fill out some forms. A friend of mine came in and I told him the most recent Polish joke I'd heard. We were both laughing when a big guy I'd never seen before came up to me and said, "I'm Polish and I didn't find your joke funny at all." I apologized and, later, went back to work.
At the end of the work day, I left the office and headed for my car in the parking lot. Just then, I became aware of footsteps behind me. When I turned around, the big Polish guy was there. He grabbed me, pinned me against the wall of the parking structure, pulled a straight-razor out of his pocket and said, "You're just lucky I can't find a place to plug this thing in."
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Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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I knew a girl once that used to like to get it in the ear... Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head.
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Member
- Nov 2002
- Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" -
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble
in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room
for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening."
With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the
night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door.
There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later
the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?"
the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for
your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows
are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.If in doubt, Google it. -
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve
grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes,
has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The
duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the
bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve
grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck
beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''If in doubt, Google it.
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