Jim's joke corner

[ZAPPER]

Mommy, I don't want to see Grandma


Shut up and keep digging

[ZAPPER]

A drunk staggers into an elevator at a convention and bumps his elbow into a womans breast. The drunk says "Sorry mam but if your heart is as soft as your tit I know that you will forgive me" The woman says "If your dick is as hard as your elbow I am in room 454"

[northcat_8]

A man walks into a bar orders a drink with a little umbrella in it. Shoots the drink, grabs the umbrella, sprints to the roof, holds out the little umbrella and jumps off and floats safely to the ground.
The sight being witnessed by 3 mexicans seated at nearby table are amazed. They watch as the man repeats the process 3 more times, before they sprint up to the bar, and ask for the same drink.
They all shoot the drink down, grab the umbrella from their drink and sprint to the roof of the bar, they hold out their little umbrellas and jump off and smack the side walk killing them instantly.

The bar owner calls 911.

The operator says "what is your emergency?"

Bar owner replies "someone get down here immediately, Superman is ******* with the mexicans again."

[northcat_8]

Superman is flying around the city and he sees Lois Lane laying on her bed in her bed room spread eagle on the bed.
He flys by a second time to see if he saw what he thought he saw.
On the 2nd fly by she was still there still spread eagle and he thinks, hell, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I bet I could fly in there, hit that and be gone before she even knew what happened.

So on his 3rd pass, he flys in bangs the hell out of her and flys away.

Startled Lois Lane says "what the hell was that?"

The invisible man says "I don't know, but my ass sure does hurt."

[SquirrelDip]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[northcat_8]

Do you know what the little bumps around a woman's nipple are for?

They are braile for suck here

[northcat_8]

A snail was going down the side walk when he was assaulted by 2 turtles.

When the police came they asked the snail what happened. The snail replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

[northcat_8]

How does Mr. Potato Head know that he is dating a prostitute?

She would be an Idaho.

[Doramius]

Why is a woman's vagina more interesting to a man than her mouth. The lips below don't talk.

[jimmalenko]

Q: What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?

A: Well hung

[SquirrelDip]

Did you hear K.D. Lang died...

.
.
.

Yup, they found her face down in Ricki Lake...

.
.
.

Groan...

[jimmalenko]

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos.

She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps
hot things hot, and cold things cold''

The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and
bought one.

The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful
object.

The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you
have in it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!''

[jimmalenko]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi.''

[jimmalenko]

A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by
a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car
and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be
delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't
want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to
the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty
dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it
looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."

[AlecWest]

It's 2:00 AM, New Year's Day. The bars are beginning to close. A cop is parked about a block away from one bar, certain he'll be able to ticket someone for drunk driving. As the patrons leave the bar, they all exhibit signs of intoxication. But one man stands out from the rest. He staggers from one side of the sidewalk to the other, falls down, gets up, bumps into fire hydrant and falls down again. Finally, he gets up and manages to make it to his car, feeling his way around to the driver's side. And after fumbling with his keys, he finally gets inside, starts up the car and pulls away from the curb.

The cop turns on his lights, whoops his siren, and follows in pursuit. The guy pulls over to the curb and stops. The cop walks up to his window and says, "OK, buster, out of the car." The cop instructs the guy to close his eyes and touch the tip of his nose repeatedly with both pointer fingers. The guy does it just fine. Then the cop orders him to walk the center-line in the street, heel-to-toe for ten feet, then turn around and walk heel-to-toe back. The guy does that just fine, too. Then the cop orders the guy to blow into a roadside breathalyzer. After a short time, the results show up as 0.0.

The cop walks up to the guy and says, "I just don't get it. Everything you've done from the moment you left that bar told me you were drunk. Yet you've passed all the tests I've given you as if you were completely sober. What gives?"

The guy replies, "I am completely sober, officer. But you see, tonight I was the designated decoy."

[AlecWest]

A man walks into a Citibank branch in New York City and asks to see a loan officer. He tells the loan officer he's planning a brief weeklong vacation in Europe, needs a $5,000 loan, and would like to use his car as collateral. Looking outside in a temporary parking zone, the loan officer sees that the man's car is an extremely valuable Rolls Royce Silver Cloud. And after a brief credit check shows the man's credit is excellent, the loan officer quickly approves the loan ... instructing a clerk to park the man's car in their secure underground parking area.

A week later, the man returns. He pays back the $5,000 plus $10 interest, thanks the loan officer, and goes to retrieve his car. But, as he's leaving, the loan officer approaches him.

"Excuse me, sir, but I'm curious. Your credit check showed you to be a very wealthy man as did your car. Why on Earth did you need that loan?"

The man smiled back and replied, "I didn't. But where else in New York City can a man park such a car securely for a whole week for only $10?"

[AlecWest]

World War III erupts into a total nuclear exchange. All life on Earth ceases to exist. And, at Heaven's gate, a long line of souls stretches as far as the eye can see. Seeing such a line, St. Peter makes an announcement. He'll dispense with reading from the Book Of Life and each and every soul. Instead, he'll ask each soul a religious question. If they answer it correctly, into Heaven they go. If they don't, they go in the other direction.

Way back in the line, one soul is sweating perfusely. He was never a religious man in life and has little if any religious experience or knowledge. Finally, the line progresses to the point where only two souls stand ahead of the nervous soul.

St. Peter asks the first soul, "What is the meaning of Christmas?" The soul replies, "That's the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ." St. Peter nods and says, "Excellent, in you go ... NEXT!"

St. Peter asks the next soul, "What is the meaning of Thanksgiving?" The soul replies, "That's the day we thank God for the bounty of the land." St. Peter nods and says, "Excellent, in you go ... NEXT!"

The nervous soul stands shaking before St. Peter as he asks, "What is the meaning of Easter?" The nervous soul blubbers something indistinguishable and keeps shaking. Finally, St. Peter says, "Look, I really want to keep this line moving. Tell you what, I'll give you a hint. Jesus was crucified. Then, he was buried in a tomb. But three days later, an Angel came down from Heaven, pushed away the stone and ..."

Just then, the nervous soul's eyes lit up and he replies, "WAIT, I think I've got it. He comes out of his hole and, if he sees his shadow ....."

[AlecWest]

Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter pages through his Book of Life, shaking his head. "You present a problem, Mr. Gates. Some of the things you've done are quite good. But some of the things you've done are quite awful. So, I'll give you a choice of where to go ... BEHOLD!"

At the snap of a finger, two visions appear above St. Peter's head. "On my right is a vision of Heaven. On my left is a vision of Hell. Which do you choose?"

Gates regards both visions carefully. In Heaven, a multitude of angels are flying about in a cloudless sky, all smiling, all playing harps, and all singing praises to the Lord. In Hell, Gates sees what appears to be an endless black-sand beach. Naked men and women are frolicking and laughing on the beach, drinking beer, and playing beach-ball.

Gates says, "Well, they both look very nice. But to tell you the truth, I'd prefer Hell."

St. Peter nods, snaps a finger, and off goes Gates to Hell.

A month later, St. Peter decides to pay a brief visit to Hell to see how Gates is doing. When he arrives, he sees Gates chained to a pillar of red hot brimstone, screaming in agony as demons poke him with pitchforks. Just then, Gates sees St. Peter looking on and calls out to him.

"HEY! Where are the naked people? Where's the beach and the beach ball? Where's the beer? This isn't the vision you showed me?"

St. Peter replies, "Ohhhh ... that vision. Well, that was just the demo vision."

[Capmaster]

Good one

[SquirrelDip]

This husband really enjoys his "nights out" with the boys but has a small problem... Most every time he goes out he drinks a little too much and ends up puking on himself - and it's really pissing off his new bride who always ends up cleaning his clothes.

Because of this, he tells his buddies that he's not going to be able to hang with them. One pipes up and says that he's got a simple solution - if you puke on yourself then take a $50 bill and stick it in your shirt pocket, when your wife complains tell her that it wasn't you but it was the guy sitting beside you and the $50 is to pay for drycleaning. It may cost you $50 but you can still hang with the guys.

Good idea. He heads out the next night and has one hell of a good time.

Ariving home, his wife notices the puke all over the front of his shirt and starts to complain. He cuts in, in a slurred voice, explaining that it wasn't him but it was the guy next to him. He then tells her about the $50 bucks in his shirt pocket and how it is to cover the cleaning.

She reaches in but there's two $50 bills - he says "oh, that's 'cuz he shit in my pants too"

[AlecWest]

She reaches in but there's two $50 bills - he says "oh, that's 'cuz he shit in my pants too"

Two recent Italian-American immigrants were having lunch in their employer's lunchroom. One table away, a female co-worker who should have been minding her own business was eavesdropping on their conversation. Finally, one Italian-American said to the other:

"OK, it'sa like dis. Emma, she come first. Den I come. Den two asses a-come togetha and I come. Den, two asses a-come togetha and I come again. Den, two pee layta, I come again."

The woman jumped up from her seat and yelled at the man, "If you don't keep your filthy mouth to yourself, I'll see you're written up for sexual harassment and fired!!!"

The Italian-American replied incredulously, "Whatsa matta fo you, lady? I was just teachin' my friend how to spell-a Mississippi!"

Emma, she come first.
M-

Den I come.
M-I-

Den two asses a-come togetha and I come.
M-I-S-S-I-

Den two asses a-come togetha and I come again.
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-

Den, two pee layta, I come again.
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

"Whatsa matta fo you?"

[bugster]

Why do Elephants Paint their Toenails Red

So they can hide in Cherry Trees






Why do all the animals leave the jungle a 5 o'clock

Because thats when the Elephants come down from the Cherry Trees






Why have Cobra's got flat heads

Because they can't tell the time

[northcat_8]

What is that black stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow Natives.

[AlecWest]

Once, way back in the old west, a young Native American boy had reached the age of manhood. The tribal chief called him into his teepee to tell him so ... and explained the basic 'mechanics' behind the sex act. Then the chief said, "Go into the great forest now and find the mighty fallen oak with the knothole. Practice on it until you have learned the great secret of sex."

So, the young boy went into the forest. In the meantime, the chief and tribal elders sat around a campfire telling stories and passing the pipe. But then, they heard a blood-curdling scream come from the forest. It went away and, not quite certain what it was, the chief and elders went back to their activities.

About an hour later, the young boy staggers back into the village, moaning and holding his private parts. The chief called out to him, "Have you learned the great secret of sex?" The boy nodded no and the chief replied, "Then go back into the forest and continue to practice. You will not become a brave in this village until you have learned the secret."

Reluctantly, the boy nodded to the chief and staggered back into the forest. Shortly after, the chief and elders heard an unusual noise from the forest ... like two sticks being struck together. But, it went away and, not quite certain what it was, they went back to their activities.

Shortly before morning, the boy came back to the village. The chief, still waiting for him, asked, "Have you learned the great secret of sex?" Confidently, the boy said, "Yes, I have learned the great secret!" The chief replied, "Very well, then, you are now a brave. I shall pick a squaw from among our village to be your wife and you will be married."

Later that day after a short wedding ceremony, the new brave and his squaw retired into their conjugal teepee. Immediately, the brave began giving her orders. "Squaw, take off clothes." She complied. "Now squaw turn around." She complied. "Now squaw bend over." She complied.

At that moment, the brave picked up a large stick from the ground and swung it hard, striking his squaw right in the twat. She ran screaming from the teepee toward the chief. The chief was comforting her when he saw the brave approach and asked, "What have you done to this squaw? Didn't you learn the great secret of sex?"

"Yes, I did learn the great secret of sex," replied the brave. The chief, with a disbelieving look on his face responded, "Very well. Tell me, what IS the great secret of sex?"

The brave approached the chief, looked around to make certain no one was listening, and whispered in his ear, "Before having sex, you must first check ... for bees!"

[SquirrelDip]

Once, way back in the old west, a young Native American went to ask his father, the great Chief, about his name.

His father explained... After your sister was conceived I left the tepee and saw babbling brook and her name became "Babbling Brook" - After your brother was conceived I left the tepee and saw a running bear and his name became "Running Bear."

Why do you ask, Two Dogs *******?

[AlecWest]

A cabbie is driving through a metropolitan area when he sees a nun who appears to be fretting about something. He pulls to the curb and calls out, "Sister, is there a problem?" The nun replies, "Well, yes, I need to get to the other side of town but I don't have enough money for the bus or cabfare." The cabbie says, "Go ahead and hop in, Sister. The ride's on me."

After driving a few blocks, the cabbie says, "Look, Sister, I know I said the ride was on me ... but, could I ask you a favor?" She nods. "Well, this may seem odd, but I've always wanted to kiss a nun. Would it be OK if I gave you a kiss?' The nun says, "Only if you're Catholic and only if you close your eyes."

The cabbie says he's Catholic and agrees to close his eyes. He pulls over to the curb, leans back, and he closes his eyes just before the kiss. To his surprise, the nun was a great kisser ... tongue and all. Afterward, he goes back to driving.

When they get to the nun's destination, the cabbie turns around and smirks, saying, "To tell you the truth, Sister, I lied. I'm really Jewish." The nun laughs and replies, "Oh, that's OK. My name is really George and I'm going to a costume party."

[northcat_8]

2 nuns are walking through a park when suddenly a man jumps out, restrains the 2 women and rapes them.

After the ordeal the man flees, the nuns free themselves and the one nuns looks at the other nun and says "Oh my, I don't know how I'm going to explain to the Father that I've been raped twice today."

The other nun says "TWICE?!?!" The first nun says "well, we are coming back this way aren't we?"

[AlecWest]

The other nun says "TWICE?!?!" The first nun says "well, we are coming back this way aren't we?"

Ooooooo

A man is driving through Nevada, just outside of Reno, when he sees a sign along the side of the road saying, "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles." Later down the road, he sees "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 5 miles." Finally he sees a sign with an arrow pointing to a gravel road, "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, this way."

He drives about a couple of miles and comes to a dead end. There, he finds what looks like a convent. He walks up to the main entrance, knocks on the door, and is surprised when an older nun answers. "Excuse me, sister, but I've been seeing signs along the road saying this is a brothel." She nods and replies, "It is, my son ... and our flat fee is $500 for service."

The guy had never had sex with a nun before and figured what the hell. The older nun tells him, "Go to the top of this stairway. You'll see Sister Agatha waiting at the end of the hall for you."

So, he goes to the top of the stairs and sees the most attractive nun he'd ever seen in his life, waiting just outside a room. He goes up to her, pays her the $500, and she says, "Go inside the room. I'll be with you shortly."

He goes inside and closes the door behind him. It's pitch dark inside and he can't see a thing. Then, he takes two steps forward and finds himself falling down a slide. At the end of the slide, he finds himself outside the building ... staring at a sign that says, "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. God be with you."

...........and, speaking of road signs (for those old enough to appreciate them).......

[SquirrelDip]

A penguin is on holiday in southern Texas when he starts to have car trouble. He quickly pulls into a service station and the mechanic tells him to come back in about an hour for an estimate.

He leaves and notices a grocery store just down the street. Once in the freezer section catches his eye and he crawls in – he relaxes and dreams of home…

Just over an hour passes and he realizes how much time has passed – he rushes back to the garage. The mechanic approaches him and says “It looks like you blew a seal” – The penguin replies “Nope, just a little ice cream from the freezer section…”


Groan...

[AlecWest]

The penguin replies “Nope, just a little ice cream from the freezer section…”

Groan...

Ssssssssssss

A group of raw Army recruits arrives at boot camp, still dressed in their civilian clothes. Quickly, a drill sergeant barks an order their way, calling them to attention. Then, he asks them to count off by twos.

They start, "One - two - one - two - one - two ..." all the way down to the end of the line. But, the sergeant notices that the guy at the end of the line didn't call out his number. He stomps his way in the recruit's direction, noticing the recruit is dressed in pink pants and a white shirt with a ruffled collar. He looks the recruit right in the eye and yells, "Hey, maggot, are you ONE?" The recruit replies excitedly, "Why, yeth, are you one, too???"