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This is a bit long, but so funny
The Bet
An elderly woman walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan bank
building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wanted to meet the president of Chase Manhattan bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered to the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this elderly woman could
possibly have come into $3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No" she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up the next morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance.
He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his
trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the
room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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Results 91 to 120 of 183
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Master of Time & Space
- Feb 2004
- Denver, CO United States
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Being that's my branch's primary affiliation and I live in Vegas, I've heard that one before. Still good.
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Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
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Man goes to confessional....
Father: confess your sins to me my son
Man: Well father, I said the "F" word yesterday.
Father: Tell me what happened my son.
Man: Well I was playing golf yesterday, I was on a par 3 and sliced my ball something fierce.
Father: Is that when you said it my son?
Man: No. My ball hits a tree and bounces toward the pond.
Father: Is that when you said it my son?
Man: No. My ball is about to hit the water when a bass jumps out of the water, my ball hits the bass and flys towards the green and rolls within 3 feet of the hole.
Father: Tell me you didn't miss that ******* putt!?! -
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot,
of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"If in doubt, Google it. -
Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were
continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet
him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say Lee, you seen Ben?"
"Ben who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my a$$!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his
friend Susie who said, "Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he's
seen Eileen. Rick will ask, 'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and
you kiss MY a$$.'"
Memorising his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon
as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.
"Hey Rick," he said, "have you seen Eileen?"
"No," Rick answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Lee frowned, "Ben who?"If in doubt, Google it. -
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had
happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what
really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest
woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being
the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did
not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it
all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the
guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at
church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the
church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns,
there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck
up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you
didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so
I shoved it back in."If in doubt, Google it. -
THE CLASSIFIED AD
Looking For A Man
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" -
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain." -
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index. -
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny
Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.
Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.
He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I've got your mamma. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who -
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young blonde woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet." -
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled
over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale;
it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."If in doubt, Google it. -
The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."
John says, "Because I live in a two-story house."
The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that? What the matter with a two-story house?"
John says, "I'll tell you what's the matter. One story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"If in doubt, Google it. -
Hahaha. good one. Got hit with the same joke but testing for diabetes. It was our own urine samples and a few in the class"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.
did report that theirs was sweet
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Master of Time & Space
- Feb 2004
- Denver, CO United States
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The joke's on him then. Just try stucking your middle finger up someone's ass without the index finger knuckle doing some major "crack flossing". And he stuck it in his mouth?The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index. 
(I heard ...not ....that I have any such experience myself ....
)
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This was shown with a caption stating, "Do you think a one week season will be too long?" & "Which one do you think will get shot by one of his buddies first?"
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Man comes home after a good nights boozing with a duck under his arm
"That's the pig I been shagging"
Wife "That's not a pis, it's a duck"
Man: "I'm not talking to you" -
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." -
The best jokes arrive daily at www.thehun.com.
I don't look at the pictures, I just read the jokes. -
Sure, you don't.Originally Posted by NamPla
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Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
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In Math class. Teacher: "Little Johnny, there are three birds on the tree, you shoot one of them, how many are there left?"
Little Johnny: "None, madam. The remaining birds would fly away after the gun shot noise" Teacher: "That`s a zero for you.
The answer was two, but I like the way you think" Little Johnny is furious and humiliated. The next day. Little Johnny: "Madam I have a question for you.
Three woman are having ice cream, one is biting it, the second is licking it, and the third is sucking it.
Which of the three is married?" Teacher: "Huh...the third one?"
Little Johnny: "No madam, it`s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think." -
Member
- Mar 2003
- Chit, IDK I'm following you
-
2 little boys lived on a farm. The one little boy was riding his bike and it broke in half. He goes to his mother and says "Mom, I broke my bike, I need another one, I have nothing to ride." The mother replies "you can't have a new one until you dad gets the combine paid for." Mad, the little boy stormed out of the house.
Second little boy was riding his tri-cycle down a hill, fell off and the tri-cycle hit a tree and was torn up. He goes to his mother and says "Mom, I broke my tri-cycle, I need another one, I have nothing to ride." The mother replies "you can't have a new one until you dad gets the combine paid for." Mad, the little boy stormed out of the house, as he left the front porch he saw a rooster humping a hen, the little boy runs over and kicks the rooster off that hen and shouts "ain't nobody riding anything around here until dad gets the combine paid for." -
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at
least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new
employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions
help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation
and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he
understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end
of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then
you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'If in doubt, Google it. -
Very appropriate for halloween:
Top Ten Signs that you're too old to Trick-O-Treat
------------------------------------------------------
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall
over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.If in doubt, Google it. -
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He
says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there
get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas,
too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."If in doubt, Google it. -
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too." -
A biker comes home one day to find his ol'lady packing up her belongings. He asks her what the **** she is doing. She says that she is packing. He says no shit, why? She says that the preacher said the the biker she is with is a pedophile. The biker says "pedophile, that is an awful big word for a ten year old!"
IS IT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE LIKE THAT? -
TEN?!?
She LOOKED thirteen.
Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore. -
Mommy I am tired of walking around in circles
Shut up or I"ll nail your other foot down!IS IT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE LIKE THAT?
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