Jim's joke corner

[northcat_8]

Jim was a patient in a mental hospital. While there he met a nice patient named Sally. One day while Jim and Sally were walking around the grounds, Jim was not paying attention where he was walking and fell into the swimming pool. Knowing Jim could not swim Sally cried for help, but no one came, so in a panic Sally jumps in the pool and saves Jim.

A few hours later the Doctor came to Sally and said "Sally that was a very good thing you did for Jim and I believe that saving another's life is an illustration of sanity and I declare you mentally stable and you are free to leave. But Sally I have some bad news, even with your efforts, sadly Jim hung himself in his room and he's dead. Sally said "No silly, Jim did not hang himself, I hung him in his room to dry."

[northcat_8]

An old couple were in a nursing home. Married for over 50 years, when one day the man comes to his wife and says "dear, I want a divorce." The elderly wife says "I don't understand, I know we can't have sex anymore but I still pleasure you in other ways. What does she have that I don't?" He says "Parkinsons"

[Doramius]

An old man and his wife are falling elderly. The wife complains that her husband can't remember anything anymore and says he needs to go see a doctor. The doctor checks out the man and says, he's actually in very good health, but age creeps up on the memory. He suggested that the man write everything down and refer back to it when trying to remember.

One night while watching TV, the man told his wife he was going to get some Ice Cream from the freezer. He politely asked his wife if she too wanted Ice Cream. She said, "yes, but I want strawberry ice cream." He turns and starts for the kitchen. His wife stops him and says, "shouldn't you be writing this down?" The man tells her he can easily remember strawberry ice cream. She says, "But I want spinkles too. Are you sure you can remember it?" THe man tells her he doesn't need to write anything down, he can remember it all. The wife then said, "Could you also remember to put banana slices in it?" He tells her he can remember it all without having to write it down.

He goes into the kitchen and is there for about an hour and then returns with plates of golden pancakes with butter and powdered sugar. He sets a plate on his wife's lap. She then replies, " I knew you should have written it down. You forgot the syrup!"

[Keefkey]

The family and friends of a young crippled boy decide to raise money to send him to Lourdes in the hope that a miracle will occur and he will walk again.

Eventually they raise enough money, so the boy and his mother go to Lourdes. A small crane is used to lower him into the healing waters of the spring and after several minutes he is lifted from the water and lowered onto the bank, and there is an amazed gasp from the onlookers as they see two new tyres on his wheelchair.

A streaker runs past three nuns. One had a stroke, the other two couldn't reach

[jimmalenko]

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal
explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If
the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and
jumped out of the plane.

He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He
pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he
plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that bloody truck won't be there
either!"

[Capmaster]

Along the same lines as jimmalenko's excellent joke:

Yell when typical skydiver jumps: GERONIMOOOOOOO!!!!




Yell when Geronimo jumps: MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[Doramius]

When skydiving with your friends and your chute doesn't open, a pretty cool gag would be to act like you're swimming.

[jimmalenko]

When skydiving with your friends and your chute doesn't open, a pretty cool gag would be to act like you're swimming.

I'd try a pin drop

[Capmaster]

I think in reality I would be trying to climb up my own ass

[jimmalenko]

I think in reality I would be trying to climb up my own ass

Trying to make all those years in gym pay off, eh Cap ?

[Capmaster]

I think in reality I would be trying to climb up my own ass

Trying to make all those years in gym pay off, eh Cap ?

Yep. Almost have it perfected. I'm training for the day my boss sends me that inevitable e-mail:

"Capmaster,

Please come see me in my office. I want to discuss "redwinging" and "Air Compressors" with you.

The Boss"

Never hurts to have another place to hide

[jimmalenko]

It's times like that I'm glad my window opens

[Doramius]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[scottie78]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable.

[Doramius]

I think I did this one a long time ago in a thread.

How do you get an elephant into a mail slot?
-HINT: Take the "D" out of "DAY" and the "F" out of "WEIGH".

[northcat_8]

I think I did this one a long time ago in a thread.

How do you get an elephant into a mail slot?
-HINT: Take the "D" out of "DAY" and the "F" out of "WEIGH".

There's no "F" in way Doramius...

[Doramius]

I think I did this one a long time ago in a thread.

How do you get an elephant into a mail slot?
-HINT: Take the "D" out of "DAY" and the "F" out of "WEIGH".

There's no "F" in way Doramius...

I got innocent people and women saying that out loud and they all cover their mouths immediately afterwards.

-----------------------------------------------------------

JOKE: How is parsley like pubic hair? You push them both to the side before you start eating!

[Doramius]

This guy went to a pharmacy and a saw a machine that tells you what exactly is wrong with you. His elbow was bothering him he took a blood sample and put in the machine it told him exactly what to do.

He was wondering if he can fool this machine. He went home and got his dog's poo, his wife's and daughter's urine. To mix it he jacked of with it.

He went to pharmacy and put the stuff in machine. It said "Your dog has worms take to the vet, you wife is pregnant with twins they are not yours get a lawyer, your daughter is addicted to pot give her some help.

And if you don't stop jacking of your elbow is not going to get better.

[Doramius]

-Texan: "Where are you from?"
-Oxford graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
-Texan: "OK! Where are you from, Jackass?"

-Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
-Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

[Doramius]

A final one for today.

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, sprinkled some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran to the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his back over by the holy water."

[ZAPPER]

A sandwich wakls into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food" dadump tiss!

[ZAPPER]

A popular pick up line in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?" Da dump tis!

[ZAPPER]

Q:How do yo get four queers on a bar stool?
A:Turn it upside down!

Q:how do you get them off?
Ahake it for awhile, I hear they really like it!

I got a million of em

[ZAPPER]

A guy at work had his first full physical exam the other day. So I asked him how it was. He said "It wasn't all that bad But I wondered how the doctor did the prostrate exam with both hands on my shoulders?"

[ZAPPER]

Jesus and Moses happen to bump into each other in heaven one fine day. They haven't seen each other in a long time and begin to chat about the good old days. Jesus asks Moses if he still has any of his powers left. And Moses says that he doesn't really know because he hasn't used them in such a long time. So Jesus says well right there is the Red Sea can you still part it? Moses raises his arms and with some amount of effort gets the sea to part and come back together. Moses feeling a little cocky says lets see you walk on the water now. So Jesus walks out up to ankle depth and looks down and decides that the water is not deep enough. So Jesus walks out until the water is up to his knees. Still not deep enough he thinks and walks out until the water comes up around his neck and then he returns to the shore. Moses can't resist giving Jesus a little greif and asks what the trouble is. Jesus says "Well the last time I did that I didn't have these damb holes in my feet"

[ZAPPER]

Mommy I don't want to see Grandma


Shut and keep digging!

[ZAPPER]

A Rednecks' last words:

Hey Y'all watch this

[ZAPPER]

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Damd, Looks like I killed another thread.

[elkfir]

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies

[Capmaster]

Not exactly a joke, but each of these is like a little joke

THE YEAR'S WORST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Lesson: Wording is so important