Jim's joke corner

[Cobra]

Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.

[jimmalenko]

Confucius say: Man who have hands in pockets feel cocky all day.

[Capmaster]

A man goes to his pshchiatrist and says "...Doc, you gotta help me. I'm having recurring dreams and it's disturbing me."

The doctor says "What are the dreams?"

The man says "One night I dream I'm a circus tent. Then the next night I dream I'm a teepee. Then it repeats. What's going on doc"?

The doctor says "Simple. You're two tents."

[gitreel]

Confuscius also say man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

[offline]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring
rain. He calls out into the dark.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[offline]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully
cold."



"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend

that we're married."







"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.







"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ng blanket!"







After a moment of silence, he farted.

[northcat_8]

Confucius says: Man with hand in pocket feel silly, Man with hole in pocket feel nuts.

[northcat_8]

2 nuns are walking through the park, when a man jumps out, snatches up the 2 nuns and rapes them both. After the ordeal the first nun looks at the other nun and says "Oh my, how am I going to explain to the Priest that I was raped twice today." The second nun says "twice????"
The first nun says "well we are coming back this way aren't we?"

[northcat_8]

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can.

[northcat_8]

A little boy was playing with his electric train. He hit the button and the train went around, came back to the station and the little boy said "All you mother fuckers getting on my train get on my train, and all you cheap bastards getting off my train get off my train." He hit the button and the train went around the track and stopped at the station, where the little boy repeated his boarding call. His mother overheard him, came in the room and said "what have I told you about talking like that?? Go to your room and think about it Mister."
Two hours later, the mother goes up to his room and asks the boy if had learned his lesson. The boy replied that he had learned his lesson. She told him he could go back and play with his trainset.
The little boy hits the button, the train goes around, comes back stops at the station and the little boy says "All of you nice ladies and gentlemen getting on my train get on my train, and all you nice ladies and gentlemen getting off my train get off my train. And any of you ******** who want to bitch about the 2 hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."



~this could be Indo as a child

[Ironballs]

Why are Elephants large, grey and wrinkly......


... if they small, smooth and white they'd be asprins

[Ironballs]

Secretary to Boos "Want the good news or bad?"
Boss: "Good"
Secretary : "Your not infertile"
Boss: "Bad News"
Secretary: "I'm pregnant"

[Ironballs]

Man goes to the docs and slaps his 14 inch schlong on the desk. After an hour of careful examination, the doc says "Sorry sir, I can't see anything wrong with it"

"Yeah", he says, "Beautiful isn't it"

[menes777]

"........nice tits, where do want the blind?"

Heard for the 28th time and still makes me spray my keyboard with my cuppa.
W.

Almost thought you were going to stay spray your keyboard with something other then water.

Mine
What did the Acorn say when it grew up?
Geomotry

[Doramius]

Confucious say: Man with stubborn donkey drags his a**.

[Ironballs]

A man's taking a piss in a public toilet, when these hard-assed geezer comes in and smashes every urinal with his 14 inch knob. When's he's finshed, he turns to the guy and says "Now I'm gonna roger you rotten from behind"

"Thank God, I thought you were going to hit me with it"

[Ironballs]

Frenchman: "After I make love to my wife, I tell her I love her, she floats 1 inch off the bed"

Italian: "After I make love to my wife, I stoke her legs, she floats 1 foot off the bed"

Australian: "Streth cobbers, that's nothing, after I've sh***ed the Sheila, I wipe my knob on the curtain, she hits the effing roof.

[Doramius]

Confucious say: Man with nosey donkey may get a** shot.

[Ironballs]

An oldie, but a classic......

A guy gets stranded on a small desert island with Kelly Brook, as time passes they get to know each other and fall madly in love. One day Kelly sees the guy brooding and asks what's wrong.

"Well I love you very much, but I miss my mates down the pub"

"I have an idea, I'll put some coconut hairs on my face, and pretend to be one of the lads"

She puts on a fake beard, and the guy comes over and says

"Hey you'll never guess who I've been sh***ing"

[Doramius]

Why did the frog stop on the sidewalk? A kid rode his bike over it.

[Doramius]

Why should women shut their mouths? So they don't complain about the taste.

[Ironballs]

man goes to the quack and after a full examination, the doc says.

"Sorry sir, the news is bad, you've got cancer and alzeimers"

"Well, could be worse I could have cancer"

[Ironballs]

Doramius.... on a similar topic.

Why do women have orgasms? Give em something else to moan about

[smearbrick1]

What's grosser than gross?

Two siamese twins attached at the mouth; one throws up.

[Doramius]

Grosser Than Gross lines I never thought of as funny. Just sick.

Here's one I heard, though.

What's grosser than gross, A woman jumps off a 100 story building and lands on a flag pole.

Grosser than that, her feet touch the ground.

Grosser than that, she doesn't bleed.

[Doramius]

Confucious say: Man with empty peanut shell has no nuts.

[Doramius]

Clean: A married man takes a bath with Bubbles.
Dirty: Bubbles is the woman next door.
--
Nice: A man has a tossed Salad
Bad: He's in prison.

[jimmalenko]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God
as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds
before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking
out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest
is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is
visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power
went out."

"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."

[offline]

Haha.. and on a similar vein..

Three Engineers were car pooling one night when
suddenly their ride coughed, sputtered and came to a halt
in the middle of nowhere.

The Electrical Engineer states firmly that the battery must
be flat so they should try and push start the car.

The Mechanical
Engineer is adamant that it is a drive belt problem and that
they should check out the engine.

The Software Engineer turns
to the others and says :

" Hey, why don't we just get out of the car
and then get back in again ? "

[Capmaster]

The scene: France in the middle ages. Three men are charged with heinous crimes and sentenced to die by guillotine. They are a shopkeeper, a banker, and an engineer.

Time comes, and the shopkeeper is brought to the guillotine. The strap him down, and pull the lever. The blade travels downward, but stops about a foot above his head.

The official present says "Unfortunately, the law is clear on this. A failed execution attempt is final. Since it didn't succeed, you are free to go". So the shopkeeper leaves at a dead run, shouting merrily.

The banker is next. He is strapped down ...and the same thing happens. The blade stalls above his head. Again, the official repeats the law and the banker is set free.

Then the engineer is strapped down. The executioner gets ready to pull the lever and the engineer says "Wait. I see your problem."