Male Rules

[offline]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping

[indolikaa]

1. It's just a teaspoon, it won't kill you to swallow it.

[MOVIEGEEK]

1.Don't ask us questions while we are watching TV...wait until the commercials.
1.Channel surfing is not annoying...it's an art.
1.Why should I take out the rubbish now?...The trashman doesn't come til Wednesday.

[Capmaster]

1. Don't say you're "big-boned". Dinosaurs are "big-boned." You're "big-assed".

1.Don't ask us questions while we are watching TV...wait until the commercials.

Ummm .....

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

[indolikaa]

1. The Food Pyramid says to get 5-11 servings of grains per day. Beer and vodka are made from grains. What's the problem?

1. Porn and masturbation are mutually inclusive, just like shopping and spending money.

[offline]

1. Don't say you're "big-boned". Dinosaurs are "big-boned." You're "big-assed".

1.Don't ask us questions while we are watching TV...wait until the commercials.

Ummm .....

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

how about:

1. You don't have to repeat yourself. I ignored you the first time

[northcat_8]

It's not the pants that make your ass look big, it's your ass that makes your ass look big.

If we were meant to help with the dishes our feet would be smaller so we could stand as close to the sink as you can.

you applied for the job as my wife, you were selected from a field of applicants and you can and will be replaced if necessary.

Last night my wife asked me what was on TV. I replied "dust".

When the little oil light comes on in the car...STOP THE ******* CAR!!!!

Point of true fact:
If a woman was twice as smart as what she thought she was, she would still only be half as smart as a man.

[northcat_8]

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass.

That's just not right

[MOVIEGEEK]

1. Don't say you're "big-boned". Dinosaurs are "big-boned." You're "big-assed".

1.Don't ask us questions while we are watching TV...wait until the commercials.

Ummm .....

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.Unless breasts are involved we have a short attention span.

[curryman]

If your wife comes flying out of the kitchen throwing insults and accusations, then the chain is too long

[MOVIEGEEK]

1.My underwear is on the floor for easy access.
1.Empty beer bottles aren't rubbish...they're musical instruments.
1.Your mother isn't offering advice...she's meddling.
1.Visiting www.videohelp.com is NOT a waste of time...I am studying to become a director,producer,editor and copyright attorney.

[northcat_8]

If you don't want me to lie then don't ask me where I've been, who I was with or what I was doing.

[Devanshu]

Being a couch potato is a sport and I'm training

I never ask you where you've been...I demand the same courtesy

Sex is good tool for communication...master that concept and you've got my attention

[SatStorm]

- Shave it! This is the 00s

[Guest]

- Shave it! This is the 00s

Can't agree more. I hope this fad sticks around.

[Guest]

1. The moment I arrive home from working all day with a 45 minute commute to boot, is not the time to hear about the petty annoyances of your day nor be bombarded with decision laden questions. Wait till I have had several cocktails and cigarettes please

[indolikaa]

- Shave it! This is the 00s

Right on!

[northcat_8]

Mmmmmmmmm....bald beaver.....gurghhhhh....(homer drooling) :P