Clean, Quick Bar jokes....Please.....

[little Mick]

anyone got any quick , clean bar jokes......clean-ish....I am after a set of witty jokes......

thanks in advance....................


:P

[holistic]

...clean bar jokes......

frayed knot :P

[Craig Tucker]

Man walks into a bar......... Ouch !

[Cobra]

There was one in 28 Days Later...

A man walks into a bar with his giraffe. They have a lot to drink, and get up to leave. The giraffe falls right over, and the man carries on towards the door. The barman shouts after him: "You can't leave that lyin' there!". The man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe".

Sounds better when spoken aloud, but expect to be punched.

Cobra

[hech54]

What do call a deaf and blind guy with no arms and no legs....and a 12" penis?


Partially handicapped.

[DoubleShadowIce]

This is what I do to mess with people off-guard, especially when they're eating or drinking.

You say to that person..."There something on your cheek." and at the same time, rub your chin. 99.9% of the time, the person will be rubbing his/her chin instead of their cheek because you, of course, rubbed yours. It's gets funnier when you rub your chin and saying to that same person again, "It's still on your cheek!". What's more funnier is when everyone else around knows the joke and laughs each time the victim rubs his/her chin and no knowing what the f**k is going on.

Monkey see! monkey do!
:P :P

This joke is more and more funnier when the person you did the joke on, falls for it days later.

[Hatz]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks............Why such the long face??

HAHAHHA


A termite walks into a bar and asks..........where is the bar tender??


HAHAHAH


Lame but funny

Hatz

[Hatz]

OOO just thought of another one........and this in no way is meant to be racial.....you could use any race but I am just going to say it the way I heard it. *****CONTAINS 1 SWEAR WORD*****


One day a mexican boy walks into the kitchen where his mom is cooking and throws flower on his face and says.......Look mom, I am a white boy!!

She slaps his face and says that he should never say that again. She then tells him to go tell his father what he just did.

So he goes to his dad who is sitting on the couch watching TV and says, Look dad, I am a white boy!! SMACK, his fathers slaps him and says that is a disgrace to the family and that he should go tell grandma what he just did.

He goes and tells grandma the same thing......Look Grandma I am an White Boy!! and once again he is slapped and is told that is wrong and to go back to his mother.

He walks back into the kitchen and looks at his mother. She asks......so what have you learned from all of this.

The boy says.......I learned that I have been a white boy for only 4 minutes and I already hate you ******* mexicans.



HAHAHAHAHHA

Hatz

[Devanshu]

The boy says.......I learned that I have been a white boy for only 4 minutes and I already hate you ******* mexicans.

[northcat_8]

This sounds much better if I could do the voice on here.....

This hair lip gets a job at toothbrush distributor. The first week goes by and the hair lip is leading the company in sales his first week. 2nd week, the hair lip is stretching his lead. So the manager goes to him and says man, you come in here and you are our best salesman, out selling everyone else combined...what is your secret.

The hair lip says "whellll, I go down to the beesh and I shet up a thable with ships(chips) and dip and people are oush schwimmin and pwaying and dey geth hunry, so they come up and I shay "hey here you go, have some ships and dip" so dey come shrew the line and dey geth some ships and dey tick in the dip and den dey shay "OH MY GOD....THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT" and I shay...."it is shit...wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[Craig Tucker]

Q: The lion King is having a meeting of all the jungle animals, but in order for you to get there you have to cross a crocodile infested river. How do you cross the river?
.
.most people want to build a canoe, a bridge, swing across, etc.
.
A: You swim, all the crocodiles are at the meeting.

Then it's not crocodile infested, is it ?, it's just a river. :P

[ktnwin]

How about this ? Just for all of us in this forum to laugh (hopefully)
A young man walks into a bar and ask the bar tender: how do you make a menu ???

[RabidDog]

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well they're not laughing now.
My mother always said I was a son-of-a-Bitch..

lone ranger says "Well tonto we have been riding hard for 3 hours and we havent shaken off those indians, it looks like its the end for both of us"
Tonto says "What do you mean 'we', White man?"

[northcat_8]

Not really a joke...but a point of ponder....

If drinking and driving is illegal, then why do bars have parking lots.

And wouldn't it make sense for police officers to just sit down the street from the bar and follow cars from there, rather than to just cruise around and "notice" them?

[Hatz]

Not really a joke...but a point of ponder....

If drinking and driving is illegal, then why do bars have parking lots.

And wouldn't it make sense for police officers to just sit down the street from the bar and follow cars from there, rather than to just cruise around and "notice" them?

That is a good point. However, I don't think they can just wait for someone.......I think that is considered entrapment or something. I am not sure but if it was the case, all cops would probably be doing it.

Weird thing about Montana........some of our bars have drive up windows.....and if you are on the road, you can get to go cups. They put your drink in a cup with a lid and straw for you.........probably not too safe but there is no law against it.


Hatz

[fmctm1sw]

I can't believe nobody mentioned the obligatory "Can I push in your stool?" joke...

[jeex]

you: how many legs does a rooster have?
them: two
you: how many bones are in a cats body?
them: i dunno
you: how come you know more about **** than pussy?

---

answer my questions "take it" or "leave it"

what would you do if you saw $5 on the ground?

what would you do if you saw $10 on the ground?

what would you do if you saw $20 on the ground?

what would you do if you saw $50 on the ground?

(keep going until you've got them saying "take it" automatically)

punchline: what would you do if you saw my dick in your mouth?

of course they would say "leave it", then you say "you'd leave my dick in your mouth", then you make a random homosexual comment about them if its a guy, if its a girl you say "well if thats the case, then lets get going"

[snapshotmd]

A guy goes into a bar with his monkey for a drink. The monkey suddenly goes nuts; jumping all over the bar, the pool table, etc. Then he grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. Bartender says, "did you see that?" The guy says, "yeah I'd wish he'd quit it!"

Two weeks later, they come into the bar again. The monkey starts going nuts again, then he sees a grape, sticks it up his ass, then swallows it. Bartender says "Eeewww, that's disgusting!" The guy says "I know, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[northcat_8]

Hatz -

That is awesome...probably no law against it because you can drive for 120 miles in Montana and not see another human being so if you're drunk and wreck, there is a better than good chance that only you will be hurt.

Here in Ohio, we have drive throughs. Which I thought were pretty standard around the country but apparently not. You can buy beer by the 6, 12, 24 or 30(depending on brand), single cans or bottles in 12,16,24 and 40 oz.

~Joke~

Man walks into a bar, orders a drink with one of those little umbrellas in it. Tosses the drink back quickly and runs up stairs to the roof of the bar and holding the little umbrella jumps off and floats safely to the ground. The patrons of the bar were amazed. The man comes back in the bar, orders another drink, drinks it quickly and runs up stairs to the roof and holding the little umbrella, jumps off and floats safely to the ground. Seeing this a 2nd time, 3 mexicans run up to the bar and say "give us whatever he is drinking with the little umbrella in it." They all slam the drinks back quickly run up stairs and holding the little umbrellas all 3 jump off and splat, splat, splat all three are killed.
The bartender calls 911 and tells the operator "you guys need to get down here quick, superman is ******* with the mexicans again."

[phonomas]

A guy walks into a bar dragging a trunk. He throws the trunk up on the bar and opens it. He pulls out a miniature piano and stool. The guys orders whiskey and starts knocking them back. Meanwhile, this little man climbs out of the trunk and starting playing the piano.

The bartender comes over and says "Where did you find the mini musician?"

The guys pulls out an old oil lamp and answers "I got this here lamp. It's supposed to give you wishes but the damn things busted."

The bartenders eyes get really big and after a moment he asks "Can I borrow that for a minute?"

The guys chucks it at him and says "You can have it!"

The bartender runs into the back room and rubs the lamp furiously. Smoke billows out of the lamp and a genie appears. Before the genie can say anything the bartender says "I want a million bucks!" A moment later the windows begin to shatter and flocks of ducks fly in through the broken windows. The bartender is forced out of the room by the incoming birds.

So, the bartender staggers over the the guy with the trunk and says "Hey, this lamp doesn't work! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!!"

The guy says "Yeah, you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist!?!"