Funny Simpsons quotes

[888888]

These are a few lines from my favorite Simpsons episode ever: $Springfield (the episode where Mr. Burns opens a casino).

Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Kent Brockman: Hmph. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.


Blofeld: 20. Your move, Mr. Bond.
Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer gives him a card] Joker! You
were supposed to take those out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry. Here's another one.
Bond: What's this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond.
Bond: But...but it's Homer's fault! I didn't lose. I never lose!
Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world
domination.
Blofeld: Ho ho ho, I'm not going to fall for _that_ one again.
(scene cut and later shown on 138th special)


Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the "Spruce
Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New
York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen
minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Burns: Model?


And finally my favorite Simpsons line of all time:
Lisa: Mom!
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after
me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

Yes, I know these are not really "quotes" but I think they are funnier in context. Anyway here's a REAL quote:

Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the
gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him
Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

It brings a tear to my eye how great that show USED TO BE and how much it SUCKS now. Sorry if I repeated anybody's quote.

[bigshotceo]

Artie Ziff: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

It's not so much the line, but the way Lisa says it that cracks me up.

[j1d10t]

When the Simpsons are in some American "tall tales", and Lisa is Connie Appleseed:
Homer: (singing to the tune of "here we go round the mulberry bush") "I'm cleaning my gun with the safety off, the safety off, the safety off... I'm cleaning my gun with the safety off..."

On the moc-umentary episode "Behind the Laughter":
Homer: "I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute."

Homer: "I believe in the 3 R's: Reading TV Guide, Writing to TV Guide, and Renewing TV Guide."

[tito13kfm]

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
Nelson: Bro's before hoes

Too many to mention, but those are the 2 i use most in everyday life.

Bart: Occupation... butt doctor. Income. Whatever I finds I keeps
Homer: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towell

And now some random Otto quotes:
Otto: Man, what was I smoking? Oh yeah, Pot. (not an exact quote.)
Otto: They call them fingers, but i've never seen them fing. Oh wait there they go.

Otto: Can I at least get my stuff?
Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Psycho magazines.
Otto: Wow! I have mustard?

[Guest]

No particular quote.Only when Homer cant remember Maggie as his third child.

[SquirrelDip]

So many but definitely my favorite:

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and
blows!

[j1d10t]

From the episode when Homer is The Beer Baron, and Marge catches Homer transporting alcohol:
Marge: Homer, what's going on?
Homer: Marge, I'm not going to lie to you.... (then he just walks off).

Same episode, when the stills in the basement are exploding, and Homer doesn't want Marge to know:
Homer sitting in bed reading: Boom! Blam! Boom! Oh, excuse me. I shouldn't have had that bean with diner.
Marge: Homer, you don't have to keep pretending those are you. I know your illegal stills are exploding.
Homer: I don't know what you mean... Boom! K-Blamo!
Marge: Homer...
Homer: Boom. Boom. Blam....

After Moe has redesigned the bar, and turned it into a nightclub:
Russian model (that looks like a woman): After Chernobyl my penis is falling off.....
Moe: And penis is Russian for what?

[Guest]

At Moe's Tavern, the regulars sit around the bar.

Lenny: Hey, Moe...you got change for a five?
Moe: Yeah, sure thing Lenny.
[opens cash register]
[a cobra pops out and bites him repeatedly]
A snake in the cash register! [everyone laughs]
Great prank, fellas, great prank. Oh, I'm gonna be sick
tonight.
Barney: Hey Moe, you want to smell my flower?
Moe: _Do_ I?! [walks over]
[Barney holds a lighter under Moe's chest]
Ooh! I'm burning up here. Ooh! [everyone laughs]
Aw, taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes. Ho, ho, it's
funny _and_ it makes you think. Oh, I need some coffee before I
pass out. Homer, pass me the sugar.
Homer: [unscrewing lid] This is going to be great!
[Moe pours sugar in his cup; a whole lot comes out]
Barney: Oh, jeez.
Moe: Aw, there's sugar all over the bar now.
Lenny: That's not funny, Homer.
Barney: Yeah! We were just messing around, and you had to go too far.
-- The subtleties of pranks, "Fear of Flying"

Moe: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life?
Everyone: Yeah!
Homer: Aw, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me.
Moe: Sorry, Homer, you should have thought of that before you gave
me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from
Mount Lushmore [does so] and I'm taking your favorite song out
of the juke box.
Homer: [gasps] "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.
[tosses it out like a frisbee]
[it hits Smithers, who's driving a car]
Smithers: Ow! [checks title] Ooh!
[Homer gets tossed out]
Homer: Oh. Heh heh heh, joke's on them: I'm still alive.


The caricatures on Mount Lushmore are classic too.. i think homer's wearing a top hat, an ascot, and a monocle.

[Capmaster]

The funniest scene on the Simpsons, IMO, has no quotes. It was when Jon Lovitz was a guest. Homer knew him from his youth and he kept besting Homer at everything.

Homer thought he had him when they were sitting at the dinner table after eating. Homer pushed back and drew on one of his talents - the loud, resonant belch. Everyone was pleased. Then the Jon Lovitz character pushed back and unleashed an eructant version of a hurricane ...long and loud (like the scene in Revenge Of The Nerds 2 with booger).

It parted someone's hair - Lisa I think, Marge looked like she was in a windstorm, and it even set off a car alarm outside. Afterward everyone just sat there in awe with a dazed look. The first time I saw that I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe

[Doramius]

Homer: "Save Me Jebus" - episode with the LSD frogs and Homer in Brazil.
------
"I was saying 'Boo-urns'!" - Hans Moleman
-
Girl: Eww! It smells like something crawled in your throat and died.
Barney: It's not dead.
(Film festival episode)
------
Ralph: He's going to smell like hot dogs!
(episode where quimby sits in a prison electric chair)
------
Chieff Wiggum picks up the phone: "Sara! Get me superintendant Chalmers."
Camera pans to the chieff's wife dialing the phone in front of the chieff
"Thank you Sarah."
(Crabapple & Skinner School affair episode)
------
Homer: Your teacher's name is Crabapple? And I've been calling her Crandall. Oww, I've been making an idiot of myself.
(forgot which episode)
--
There's way too many. And they keep getting new one's all the time.

[gitreel]

So many but definitely my favorite:

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and
blows!

That is my favorite as well.

[andyp1]

I love the title sequence where Bart does his lines on the blackboard you have to be quick to read them sometimes,
My favourite one so far was 'PORK IS NOT A VERB'

[Doramius]

Homer: (reads computer screen aloud) "To start hit Any Key." Where's the 'ANY' key?
------
Hindu Store Clerk (not APU): Why not celebrate the country you love by blowing up a piece of it.
(some episode where they go out of town)

[Guest]

Mayor Quimby(during blackout):This town is sucking down more electricity than my wife at an open bar.

[Doramius]

Mayor Quimby(during blackout):This town is sucking down more electricity than my wife at an open bar.

Electricity should be "Juice". but that's an excellent line.
---------
Chief Wiggum: Behold the mystical Phalanx. A lion with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit.
(Lisa's Wedding - at the renaissance festival)

[888888]

I saw this one a couple of weeks ago and must have laughed a good 10 minutes plus giggles for the rest of the day every time I remembered it.

Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer (thinking): Yeah, the Legend of the Dog-Faced Woman.
Homer (out loud): Ahahaha! Legend of the Dog-Faced Woman. Ah, that's good!
Marge: Homer, that's really rude of you.
Homer (realizing what he had done): What? D'oh!

[flaninacupboard]

aahaha, great! laughing at his own joke

[Doramius]

Homer: New York's not getting this from Homer Simpson. (throws wallet in fire.)
Lisa: Dad. Our baby pictures were in there.
-------
(same episode)
Homer: You got anything to drink in there?
Foreign food vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice
Homer: Ew, Mountain Dew. I'll take Crab Juice.
(Twin towers episode) this one had so many funny things it's gotta be watched to see them all.

[Guest]

Last Night-

Homer-That's it Bart! Youre grounded for a year!
Bart-Nah,I'll just pay the fine.
Homer-ok.3 bucks.


Same episode-Homer jamming to the Spice Girlz

[Conquest10]

Last Night-

Homer-That's it Bart! Youre grounded for a year!
Bart-Nah,I'll just pay the fine.
Homer-ok.3 bucks.


Same episode-Homer jamming to the Spice Girlz

Reminds me of why I don't watch the show anymore.

[888888]

aahaha, great! laughing at his own joke

I am not sure if you are being sarcastic and you didn't get it, or you really like that line like me. That little exchange in the car is from episode Selma's Choice from the fourth season. Like most good Simpsons jokes, you kind of have to see it to understand the hilarity. I know that my little quote may not be that funny but if you watch it, you will understand why I laughed so long. Of course if you're British, who knows what the hell YOU find funny!

Dr.Gee wrote:
Last Night-

Homer-That's it Bart! Youre grounded for a year!
Bart-Nah,I'll just pay the fine.
Homer-ok.3 bucks.


Same episode-Homer jamming to the Spice Girlz

Reminds me of why I don't watch the show anymore.

My feelings exactly. That kind of humor (unbelievable, unrealistic) is good in tiny doses. But around the 8th, 9th or 10th season seasons, the Simpsons starting shifting to this kind of humor. For example, Homer saying butter your bacon to bart and bart saying my heart hurts and Homer looking very angry and saying do it. Har har har. Stupid idea. Completely unrealistic and a betrayel of the characters and emotions of the characters. Feels like a dumb gag and that is all.

Of course, this 15th season has sunk to a new low. All the humor is now along the lines of characters acting very unusually and the viewer is supposed to be like what the hell. Worst decline of a show ever.

[flaninacupboard]

yeah, i really liked the quote. the moments where homer consults his brain are usually funny.

i remember the bacon incident. the thing itself wasn't funny, but the way homer says "dooo it..." cracks me up every time.

[Doramius]

for the last five or six seasons they had altered the writing style, AGAIN. They have 3 independent writing groups that write the episodes. They all see the previous episodes after they have been finished in creation, but it's to allow a change up or round about of the episodes. This is generally the flow of how it's supposed to work using a one month layout. Each group takes one week to create and episode. A quick one, with simple plot and creativity. Not too much hilarity, but enough to focus a point and get a comical satire. After each group's quick creation week, they conglomerate on a script that has been in process during the entire month. So when a group is not working on their quick week, they are in with a large group working on one big funny episode. So you get one good funny and thought out episode every 3 or 4 episodes. Because of the numerous quick week releases, sometimes you are getting back to back new episodes. The Simpson's web site describes this a little better. I just tried to keep it short. So they have slacked off here in the last few seasons, but they still have good ones here and there. They really haven't "jumped the shark", Yet. Though they might have Homer do it to get some laughs in another episode. When I saw this, it helped clarify to me why episode script style varied so drastically from time to time.

[j1d10t]

From the episode where Bart joins the football team - Marge talking to the guy at the sporting goods store:
Marge: "I need to get some protection for..... down there."
Sporting goods guy: "Got it. Shin guards."
Marge: "No. I mean protection for.... that area."
Sporting goods guy: "Oh. I gotcha. Knee pads."
Marge: "No! I need a cup."
Sporting goods guy: "A what?"
Marge: "A cup! I wanna cup."
Sporting goods guy: "Can you spell that?"
Marge: "C... U... P... I wanna C... U.... Oh, my word!"

I don't remember which episode this is from, but you have to love Homer's way of thinking:
Marge: "Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't come in today, don't bother coming in tomorrow."
Homer: "Woohoo! 4 day weekend!"

That last one cracks me up

[Conquest10]

Homer: [sleepy] Must...protect...sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet...the sweet...[snores]
Marge: [walking out] Homer?
Homer: [with a Spanish accent] In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...[snores]
Marge: Homer...Homer!
Homer: Wha...what?
Marge: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You're being completely paranoid.
Homer: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha!
[Pulls a man from behind the pile]
Thief: [holds teacup and saucer] Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye

[Keefkey]

Way too many...

Homer:"Well, you tried and you failed. The point is, never try."

Burns:"This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you."