Good evening and welcome to Special Report. I'm your host, Brit Hume and thank you for joining us on Super Tuesday. Tonight, voters went to the polls to pick the candidate they think will make the Next Great Recordable Format and try to dethrone CD-R and we have the results, plus in-depth analysis from our FOX News experts.

But first let's go live to South Carolina and join Shepard Smith. Shepard?

SHEPARD SMITH: Thanks, Brit. We're here in Greenville with what could be the biggest upset yet in the DVD Primary. In a closely-watched contest FOX News is ready to call South Carolina for the 'Labels Suck' campaign.

BRIT HUME: I'm sorry, Shepard. Could you please repeat that?

SHEPARD SMITH: You heard it right, Brit. Labels Suck has won the South Carolina primary with 28% of the vote. Coming in a distant second and not even making a respectable showing was the White-Top campaign with an embarrasing 9% of the vote, and barely registering on the pollsters meters was the Crayola Coalition with a 2% turnout.

BRIT HUME: I'm not sure which is a bigger surprise, but I think the poor performace by the White-Top campaign can only be viewed as a major defeat for the DVD enthusiasts in general.

SHEPARD SMITH: You got that right, Brit. And since the early numbers began trickling in we've been unable to contact anyone in the Ralph Nader camp about this development. Now we've been told by unnamed sources this is a Right-Wing extremist plot to destabilize the candidacy of John Edwareds in his own backyard. We're a little suscpicious of such claims, however, as we all know that even Democrats in this part of the United States are traditionally moderate in their beliefs.

BRIT HUME: Shep, in our last segment we talked about the endorsement the White-Top campaign received from Princo. Given Princo's less-than-stellar reputation in every part of the world but France, do you think Princo's endorsement may have done more damage that the pollsters initially expected?

SHEPARD SMITH: Um, does a bear shit in the woods? I don't think there's any scenario where you could envision using the words 'positive' and 'Princo' in the same sentence and create even the illusion of a warm, fuzzy feeling. This is media that even jeex wouldn't be caught dead with, and with that kind of an endorsement who in South Carolina would even consider throwing their vote away?

BRIT HUME: We know at least 9% did.

SHEPARD SMITH: But those were Howard Dean supporters, Brit. I don't consider them smart enough to know they're throwing their vote away.

BRIT HUME: And we'll leave the viewers with that thought as we take a break. When we come back we'll join Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes and take a look at what happened back West and how the results there are likely to affect the DVD nomination. Keep it here for fair and balanced reporting, this is FOX News Channel.

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PETER JENNINGS: ABC News exit polling has determined that the Reverend Al Sharpton is in third place with 9% of the vote in South Carolina, and we're prepared to call the state of South Carolina for his campaign...

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BRIT HUME: ...Hannity and Alan Colmes. Good evening, gentlemen.

SEAN HANNITY: Good evening, Brit. Tonight we may be looking at the beginning of the end of the DVD format. As you well know the voters in Iowa selected DVD+R to represent their interest at the DVD National Convention while New Hampshire voters selected DVD-lab as their authoring software of choice. While these early results may have offered some real competition to the CD-R Administration, tonight's results may have all but secured CD-R as The Choice for the next four years. With us tonight from Rancho Cucamunga, California is Michael Reagan, world-renowned talk show host and son of the former President, and Indolikaa Khan, the fiery right-wing conservative with his view on the quandry the DVD National Committee now finds itself in. Gentlemen, thank you for joinging us tonight.

MICHAEL REAGAN: A pleasure as always, Sean.

INDOLIKAA: Word up.

SEAN HANNITY: Michael I want to start with you. A big surprise in Missouri tonight. Memorex was selected as the DVD burner of choice. I can't even begin to explain this, it makes about as much sense as Howard Dean at a religious rally. Am I wrong on this, Michael?

MICHAEL REAGAN: No Sean, you're exactly right. I don't have any idea what the Missouri enthusiasts were thinking. I mean, here we are with a whole sleu of reputable manufacturers offering solid designs for a format that's in deep trouble and they go and pick Memorex? There's no logic to this decision. This is a state that produced Harry Truman and John Ashcroft, for crying out loud!

ALAN COLMES: Michael, Alan here. Good to see you as always. Listen, speaking on behalf of my fellow DVD enthusiasts, this decision makes no sense, but if you look at the results in Delaware, could there be a correlation?

MICHAEL REAGAN: What the hell happened in Delaware tonight?

SEAN HANNITY: Mike, in another head-scratcher, Delaware voters chose USB over FireWire and IDE...

MICHAEL REAGAN: What is going on, is this country regressing into communism? You're telling me the DVD lobby wants to put a Memorex USB burner up against the CD-R Administration? That's ludicrous, you can't be a DVD supporter tonight and think there's even a chance that nomination will arouse any interest in the voting public! Why do we even need to bother with an election in November? Were these idiots even smart enough to vote for the 2.0 standard?

SEAN HANNITY: As always, the methods and motivations of the DVD Party astound me.

ALAN COLMES: Now wait a minute. We haven't finished the primary cycle yet. There's still a lot of choices to be made, and the final combination could be something more appealing than what we have in Washington right now.

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Alan, you're suggesting that we should, as a country, throw out the tried-and-true CD-R platform for a bunch of technical specifications that don't even work together. I don't what you use to copy all of those Susan Sarandon movies with but if you don't think her work is shit now, wait until you try to move it from CDs to DVD with this plan that is unfolding. OK, I'd not have been too disappointed to see DVD+R and DVD-lab in the White House, but Memorex USB? Even I have standards, Alan.

MICHAEL REAGAN: This is ridiculous! We all saw the results of trevlac's groundbreaking research. I'll remind our viewers that a majority of video enthusiasts could get by just fine with SuperVCD and based on his research, we'd all be no worse off. What trash can you find on broadcast television anymore that's worth recording in anything higher than SVCD 2.0 standard anyway...

SEAN HANNITY: Nipple TV...

MICHEAL REAGAN: ...that's horrible, Sean. I hope Chairman Powell hits everyone of those CBS affiliates for being part of that Justin 'My wanker couldn't satisfy Britney" Timberlake with the maximum fine. It's all liberal whitewash aimed to cripple the moral backbone of this country!

ALAN COLMES: Let me break in here for just a minute, Michael. Not all men need to make a couple of trips to the fridge for beer during a movie...

INDOLIKAA KHAN: ...and I suppose you're going to suggest that a woman can actually make it through a full-length motion picture without needing to use the ladies room?

SEAN HANNITY: She still hasn't kicked your ass yet for that one, has she Indolikaa?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: I didn't say it, I was merely referring to the conclusions found in trevlac's research and make a logical conjecture from those results. Besides, I've been married for nine years, so I'm the rezident experta in matters concering beer and the squatter.

ALAN COLMES: And how do figure that?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Simple, Alan. Did you watch that movie Jigglers with Ben-Lo and J-Flick?

SEAN HANNITY: He he, that's Gigli...

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Gigli, Jigglers, Gettin' Jiggy With It, who cares what they called it? The public obviously didn't. Anyway, the director of this crime against humanity was forced to selectively edit the movie so as not to create a Moonie-inspired Kool-Aid bonanza at the local theaters. The problem is, they called in Edward Scissorhands to do the editing, and he took out the sex scene between J-Lo and Benny, leaving a movie that was destined to bring out the suicidal sociopath in all of us.

ALAN COLMES: That argument makes no sense....

SEAN HANNITY: ...much like the Democratic party...

ALAN COLMES: ...how can you suggest that an editing mistake in a movie makes you the resident expert in the future of the DVD format?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Have you seen Gigli, Alan?

ALAN COLMES: Yes I have.

INDOLIKAA KHAN: How many times did your wife get up during the movie to visit the bathroom?

SEAN HANNITY: To use the bathroom, or to throw up?

ALAN COLMES: (Silence)

INDOLIKAA KHAN: I rest my case.

SEAN HANNITY: He got you, my friend. We have to take a break but when we come back here on Hannity and Colmes we'll continue our analysis of the Super Tuesday results, and also on tonight's show, we'll hear from Stiltman who is reporting from Russia on reaction from one of our more-important allies. We'll also check in with Greta van Susteren reporting from Phoenix, Arizona. Stay tuned to fair and balanced analysis, this is FOX News Channel.

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TOM BROKAW: ...NBC News is now reporting that John Kerry has won both Delaware and South Carolina. We are also going to call Missouri for General Wesley Clark, even though Howard Dean leads Clark by nearly 11% points. We expect any number of federal judges to intervene and allow the polling places in St. Louis to remain open into next week...

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SEAN HANNITY: ...on Hannity and Colmes and we'd like to welcome back Michael Reagan to the show. Sorry, Michael, we had some technical difficulties here.

MICHAEL REAGAN: No problem, Sean.

SEAN HANNITY: We're joined tonight by Leisure Suit Stiltman live from Kaliningrad, Russia, for reaction to Super Tuesday from one America's most-important allies. Good evening, Stiltman, how are things on the Baltic coast?

STILTMAN: Good morning, Sean. The reaction has been muted so far. It's 3:00 AM here in Kaliningrad and most of the population is asleep right now. We've not been able to accurately gauge the opinions of the locals, but we were granted an interview with Konstantine Verchenko, a member of the Russian Duma vacationing here in Kaliningrad and following the South Carolina primary in between straight shots of kerosene-laced vodka. When I asked MP Verchenko about the possibility that Labels Suck might win South Carolina, he categorically denied Russia ever sold GPS jammers to Iraq. That's been a frequent theme of the official-types around here last night.

SEAN HANNITY: Kerosene-laced vodka?

STILTMAN: Straight shots, Sean. There's enough kerosene vapor floating around this Comrade 8 Motel this morning to put Sputnik in orbit.

ALAN COLMES: Stiltman, Alan Colmes here. I can't imagine our Russian friends were out drinking and celebrating something as meaninless as the South Carolina primary.

STILTMAN: It was nighttime, Alan. There was vodka available. It's Russia. You don't need any more reason to celebrate than that.

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Amen, Comrade.

MICHAEL REAGAN: Word up.

SEAN HANNITY: Kerosene-laced vodka. Sounds like a place we need to a live shot from, Alan.

ALAN COLMES: Not likely, Sean. Unless of course Shepard Smith mans the camera. Thank you for that report Stiltman. We now join Great van Susteren live from Phoenix, Arizona. Greta?

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Good evening Alan. FOX News Channel is ready to declare that Arizona voters have deciced Sharpies are for sniffing, not for labelling discs. In a vote that is no surprise to residents here in the Valley of the Sun, the 'Sharpies Go In Your Nose' campaign has taken the state of Arizona with nearly 94% of vote. Since even the most bumbling of idiots knows you should never write on a disc with a marker, this could breathe some life into a campaign that has only gone backwards since New Hampshire.

ALAN COLMES: Greta, wait a minute. There's no conclusive proof that writing on a disc with a Sharpie is a damaging proposition...

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: When in Arizona, Alan, speak lightly about propositions. They've had enough of them here in Arizona. They boast it's the only way to control the liberal beast that stalks their conservative way of life.

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Amen.

MICHAEL REAGAN: Word up.

SEAN HANNITY: Greta, I'm a little surprised at the margin of victory for the Sniffin' Coalition. When you look at 94% in any election, well, even Ronald Reagan didn't beat Walter Mondale by that much. What gives?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Sean, just because we're from Arizona doesn't mean were stupid. Everybody knows permanent markers are for sniffing and any other purpose is simply an advertising charade.

MICHAEL REAGAN: Dad would've beaten Mondale with 94% of the vote until Mondale nominated Ferraro for the vice presidency. That at least gave the Democrats a candidate with one functioning brain.

ALAN COLMES: But gentlemen, what you're suggesting, and if you take the results from South Carolina into consideration, is that discs shouldn't be labeled at all. With a clear consensus of Labels Suck and Sharpies are for Sniffing, how are DVD enthusiasts supposed to know what's on their discs?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Isn't that what sticky labels are for, Alan?

SEAN HANNITY: Indolikaa, before we delve any further into that mousetrap, we need to take a break. Stay with us here on Hannity and Colmes as we continue our analysis of Super Tuesday on the FOX News Channel.

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DAN RATHER: ...on a night when nothing makes any sense, CBS News is prepared to call Howard Dean the winner of the Arizona primary and Wesley Clark the winner of the New Mexico caucuses...

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SEAN HANNITY: We're back here on Hannity and Colmes I'm Sean Hannity here with Alan Colmes and we continue our analysis of the Super Tuesday primary results with this just in from New Mexico. In a caucus where we thought we might find an answer to the labelling delimma of prospective DVD supporters, well, New Mexico failed to even grasp the issue at hand. Let's go live now to Slick Rick for the details. Slick?

SLICK RICK: Evening, Sean. Well, without question if you thought the DVD vote was in trouble after tonight's Memorex USB debacle, things just got even more confusing here in New Mexico...

INDOLIKAA KHAN: ...if it ain't fixed, go and **** it up some more...

SLICK RICK: Well spoken, Indolikaa. Here at NoStick headquarters at the Sheraton Inn Old Town, the 'Montano Bridge Bad, Sticky Labels Worse' coalition has reason to celebrate. New Mexico voters have overwhelmingly decided, with 50% of the vote, that sticky labels are not the preferred method to label DVDs. And after some careful analysis of the exit polling results, it's obvious why the NoSticks got their way. Several of their faithful followers presented us with examples of why sticky labels are the wrong way to go when labelling DVD media. And Alan, after our own close examination, it's obvious the Sticky Label supporters were doomed from the beginning. If you take a look at the disc in my hand, here...

SEAN HANNITY: You have got to be kidding me. Is that label on the wrong side of the disc?!

INDOLIKAA KHAN: If it ain't fixed...

SLICK RICK: That's right, Sean. You are looking at a perfectly recorded Ritek DVD-R with the label applied to the wrong side of the disc.

MICHEAL REAGAN: Unbelievable!

SLICK RICK: Indolikaa, you're from Albuquerque originally...

INDOLIKAA KHAN: Hey! That's not something we discuss in polite company!

SEAN HANNITY: I wouldn't, that's for sure...

ALAN COLMES: Alright, alright, hang on just a minute. Now just because we have one disc with the label applied on the wrong side doesn't mean...

INDOLIKAA KHAN: It does, Alan. Much as I don't like to discuss the matter, this is typical of my ancestors. The NoSticks were the same bunch of idiots that argued for 30 years against the Montano Bridge. A higher value was placed on the lives of little minnows...

SEAN HANNITY: ...you mean like sardines?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: ...not even that big of a fish, Sean. Even the fuckin' birds wouldn't eat them. Anyway, the rights of the minnow, in their minds, took priority over air pollution and clean drinking water. And in much the same logic, well, look at that disc Slick Rick is holding in his hand. Common sense does not apply to these numbnuts. We built a two-lane bridge over a river to connect a four- and six-lane thoroughfare not because we thought it would do any good, we did it to counter the ridiculous notion that the rights of the minnow outweigh the rights of the motorist. Human bad, fish good, in their eyes. You can see where this twisted logic would result in the sexed-up coaster Slick Rick holds in his hand.

SLICK RICK: I'd like to add that on top of this disc discovery, no pun intended of course, we were shown the futility of supporting such a labelling system by the NoSticks. To demonstrate their argument, they tried playing both sides of the disc...

MICHAEL REAGAN: ...wait a minute. You're telling me they put the label on the wrong side of the disc, and then tried to play both sides of the disc anyway to prove their point? Do they even know the stuck the label on the wrong side of the disc in the first place?

INDOLIKAA KHAN: I doubt it, Michael. Some of them still think Tony Anaya deserves sainthood. What does that tell you?

ALAN COLMES: It tells me the best position I can defend my liberal brethren from is a position of keeping my mouth shut. And with that, we need to take a break but when we return, well I think there's one more state holding a primary tonight, isn't there Sean?

SEAN HANNITY: We still have the Oklahoma primary and the North Dakota caucus, my friend. And we'll be joining FOX News correspondent Major Garrett from Oklahoma City after we return to Hannity and Colmes. You are watching FOX News Channel, fair and balanced coverage of the 2004 DVD Primaries.

To Be Continued...