Classic Jokes

[Devanshu]

I love hearing jokes(although I'm not good at telling them)...so I thought it would be cool to read some I've never heard before. I dont know if this has been done before...but I'll start one anyway. Feel free to add yours to the list...

(you've probably heard this one before)

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[housepig]

okay, so this kid goes to prison for bootlegging dvds. he's never been in jail before, so he's trying to figure out how he can get along without getting killed.

he's in the cafeteria, and everyone is eating, heads down, focused on thier plates. suddenly, he sees a guy on the other side of the room stand up and yell out "38!"

people start laughing. the kid is puzzled, but keeps eating, until another guy stands up and shouts "57!"

even more laughter at this. the kid is getting extremely perplexed, and then another con stands up and yells "82!". This has everyone in the joint howling with laughter, even some of the guards are snickering.

finally the kid can't stand it, and asks an old con at the table what's going on.

"Well, kid, it's like this - most of us have been here so long, we all know the same jokes - we ain't heard new ones in ages, it's all the same. So we numbered 'em all, and when someone wants to tell the joke, he just calls out the number. You'll learn eventually."

they go back to eating, but the kid stands up nervously, clears his throat and shouts "25!".

dead silence. then growls, jeers, and a couple of guys get up from the table and start walking toward the kid. the guards grab the kid and start to hustle him out of the cafeteria, before he gets the snot beat out of him.

the old con just watches the kid being dragged out and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
... "man, some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

[Devanshu]

Here's another:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

[jeex]

laaaaame..

i'm not good at telling jokes.. so forgive me if i **** these up massively..

one day jonny and his grandfather went fishing.. jonny's grandfather lit up a cigarette and took a few puffs, a few second later jonny asked his grandfrather "hey, can i have a puff off your cigarette", his grandfather replied "can your dick touch your *******?", jonny replied "no", jonny's grandfather replied "well then, you're not old enough"... a minute or two passed and again jonny asked his grandfrather "hey, can i have a puff off your cigarette", his grandfather replied "can your dick touch your *******?", jonny replied "no", jonny's grandfather replied "well then, you're not old enough".. frustrated, jonny then opened up his lunch bag and took out a candy bar and started eating it, jonny's grandfather said to him "can i have a bite of your candy bar?", jonny replied "can your dick touch your *******", his grandfather replied "yes it can", jonny replied "well then go **** yourself".


i need a smoother delivery..

[Devanshu]

I've actually heard that one...but it never fails to amuse me.

[Hatz]

Ok here is one of my favorites.


A bus full of nuns crashes one day and all the nuns aboard are killed. As the nuns are in line at the gates of heaven, each nun must past before St. Michael.

St. Michael asks each nun the same question before they can enter.

First he asks sister Mary if she has ever come in contact with a penis.
she replies, "I once touched one with my finger."
He tells her to dip her finger in the Holy water and she can continue.

Next he asks Sister Catherine if she has ever come in contact with a penis.
She replies, "I stroked one before with my hand"
He tells her to dip her hand in Holy water and then she can pass.

All of a sudden there was a comotion towards the back of the line.

Sister Joan what is all the comotion about, asks St. Michael.

She replies, "I'm sure as shit going to wash my mouth out before Sister Christine dips her ******* in it"

:P :P :P

Hatz

[Hatz]

Here is another short and sweet.



Q. What has 9 arms and sucks??


A. Def Leppard





Hatz

[SquirrelDip]

Two women were heading home after a night of hitting the bars. Nearing their homes one woman looks at the other and says that she has to pee.

The other looks up ahead and sees a low bridge they must cross and says "why don't you just hang your butt over the edge and pee in the river."

"Good idea" says the first and as they cross she hikes up her skirt, drops he panties and proceeds to pee over the edge.

Suddenly, the woman peeing get's in a panic. Her friend ask's "What's the matter?" Looking down she say's "I think I just peed in a canoe."

The friend looks over the edge and says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection!"

[Devanshu]

Here's another one of my favorties:

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

[RabidDog]

what do you call a


DOG with wings??
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
Linda mcartney

I have tasted her meat and it is not good

[RabidDog]

Kate moss on being shown an African family starving, living in a slum with their bones sticking thru their ribs said..


"I'd love to be as thin as that But I dont think I could stand the Flys"

[rhegedus]

A college kid gets put in the police cells on night for a minor offence and is forced to share the cell with a 300 pound fat, hairy, sweaty monster of a man.

As lights go out for the night, he starts to hear heavy breathing and grunting coming from the bunk where the monster is lying. Out of the darkness comes a deep, gravely grunt:

'Boy, were gonna play a game called mammas and papas. You get to chose, do you want to be mama or papa?'

Trembling, the kid thinks to himself that if anything is going to happen, he'd rather be the one doing it rather than getting it:

'Erm........ I'll be papa', he replies.

The fat monster in the corner thinks for a few seconds then grunts:

'OK papa, come over here and suck mama's dick!'

[SquirrelDip]

Did you hear K.D. Lang died?
.
.
.
Yea, they found her face down in Ricki Lake...

[Devanshu]

Here's another old one:

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[SquirrelDip]

Those same two women from above must have got turned around because their homes were nowhere to be found. All of a sudden one of the ladies bee-lines across the road and into a farmer's field.

Her friend hurries to catch up only to find her under the back end of a cow sucking on one of the udders. She looks down and asks "What are you doing?!?"

The fist stops momentarily, looks up and says "Maybe if I suck long enough one of these guys will drive us home."

[FoolishBrett]

A hunter is hunting one day in the woods when he comes across this watering hole where he sees the biggest ******* bear he has ever seen in his life. He aims his rifle at the bear's head and shoots.
Gun: Click, Click, Click.
Hunter: Shit, must be jammed.
The bear, seeing this walks over to the hunter.
Bear: What the **** do you think you are doing man, I a just trying to take a drink and you are trying to blow my ******* head off.. I am going to teach you a lesson you are never going to forget. So the bear fucks the guy up the ass for one hour.
The next day, the hunter wants to kill this bear, so he goes and gets an elephant gun and treks off to the watering hole. He gets there and sees the bear and aims and shoots.
Gun: Click, Click, Click.
Hunter: Works you piece of shit.
So the bear, seeing this again walks over to the hunter.
Bear: You just don't get it do you?
So he fucks the guy for two hours.
Four days later the hunter goes and gets an m-16 and hand grenades. This guy is really pissed off and is going to kill this bear. He goes to the watering hole and aims at the bear.
Gun: Click, Click, Click
So he takes out a hand grenade, pulls out the pin and throws it at the bear. The bear and the hunter just stand there for about half a minute staring at it. The bear walks over to the hunter.
Bear: You aren't coming here to hunt, are you?

[flaninacupboard]

This was told to me by a guy at work.

A priest, new to his parish, meets three couples who wish to join his church. He explains to them, this is a serious parish, he wants his whole congregation to fully believe in their faith. before they can join his church, the ust pass a test. all three couples must refrain from intercourse for a month.

One month later, he meets them again to see how they fared. the first couple were elderly,
"so, how did you get on?"
"oh, we managed fine" replied the couple. "then welcome to my church" replied the priest.
"how did you get on?" he asked the second couple, in their thirties.
"well," they replied "it was hard work, but we thought hard about what our faith means, and we pulled through by being strong for each other"
"good," says the priest "welcome to my church. and you?" he asks. the third couple are newly weds, and still quite young
"i'm very sorry" said the man "we tried very hard. we did all sorts of things to take our mind off it, sorted out the garden, re-decorated the lounge, but in the end i succumbed. i dropped a tin of paint, and seeing her bending down in front of me, i couldn't stop myself anymore"
"i'm very disappointed." said the priest "you're banned from my church"
"yeah," replied the man "they banned us from B&Q as well."

perhaps doesn;t make sense to you american folks, B&Q is a DIY chain in england.

I thought devanshus original joke was going to be mao-mao like in the league of gentlemen. i love that scene

[Devanshu]

perhaps doesn;t make sense to you american folks, B&Q is a DIY chain in england.

I've heard the same joke...but instead of B&Q, it was a Loews(hardware store).

[SquirrelDip]

Studdies show that 75% of all people sing in the shower and the other 25% masterbate. Do you know what song they sing???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Didn't think so...

[FoolishBrett]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked the President.
"Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President.
The driver replied, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

[Gees]

Finally! A blond GUY joke! (from my Mom) :cD

Three men were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building, one redhead, one brunet, one blond.

They were eating lunch and the redhead said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The brunet opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the redhead opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage and jumped to his death.

The brunet opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral the redhead's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The brunet's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[Devanshu]

never heard that one

[Devanshu]

Speaking of blonde jokes, here are a few:

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[SquirrelDip]

Blonde Jokes?!?!?! Here's a few more... (anyone else???)


Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room...

Why do blondes like sun-roofs?
More leg room...

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine won't follow you around for a week after you throw a load in it...

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...

What did the blonde say after multiple orgasms?
Way to go team!

[Will Hay]

I thought devanshus original joke was going to be mao-mao like in the league of gentlemen. i love that scene

So did I!!!!!!!!!
That is a good sketch!!!!!!!!
Will

[tgpo]

Did you hear K.D. Lang died?
.
.
.
Yea, they found her face down in Ricki Lake...

LOL!!!!! Dude, that was hilarious!!!!!

[RabidDog]

Actually FoolishBrett
It happened like this
Bill clinton and Tony Blair were walking in a field discussing politics and other general matters when they heard a squealing noise. they looked towards the side of the field and noticed a large pig had got its head caught in the bars of a three bar gate. Bill being a highly sexed bloke, rushed over and gave the poor squelling pig a real seeing too. He then sauntered back over to Tony blair and said "it your turn now tony". Blair looked embarrassed and said "but. bill, my head wont fit thru the gate".